Tuesday, March 12, 2019

Hear we go again :( Missing You

Adam Baldwin - Love You With My Eyes Closed

When we really want to feel deep emotion...we close our eyes. 

When we cry...our eyes are closed. 

When we want to appreciate the warmth of the sun...we close our eyes. 

When we kiss the one we love...we close our eyes.

When we want to really understand ourselves and look into our own soul we close our eyes. 

And when we dream...it is with our eyes closed. 

Our heart and soul speak what the eyes do not see.

There are so many emotions and clarity that we see without using our eyes. When I want to remember happier times with my family all still with me on the this earthly world, I close my eyes. Because then I see and feel them with my heart. Granted there are pictures scattered in all corners of my life that evoke memories, but a concrete photograph just doesn't speak like the heart. 

It is coming up to that time were the calendar rules my emotions. I cry at the drop of a hat, and the days are a little darker. The hurt comes a little closer to the surface.

March 21st comes around the first day of spring. A time that thought turn to the renewal of the earth, the flowers begin to bloom, the buds are appearing on the trees and the animals come out to mate and make families. 

But for me it is a time of loss, a time when my world died. My family, my life, my world, my love was gone. I was no longer able to see them, touch them, or hear them. 

The family I lost. Linda, Mom, me, Ron,
and Sandra
Life has been longer without them then with them. 12 years with them and 45 without. 45 long years! Maybe that is why I struggle to remember the sound of their voices. 

Sound is one of the few things I could always count on in my darkest days and saddest moments. I could listen to I Am Woman by Helen Reddy and feel my mom's joy when she heard it. Everyone has a song (at least one) that takes me right back to happier times. I was 7 or 8 years old and my mom sat us on the couch and we all learned the words to the song "Farewell to Nova Scotia". I remember the feeling sitting there amongst my brother and sisters. I've often wondered why that song? It's always been too late to ask, so I only get to guess.

Strauss Radio circa 1970
Music was always a part of my life. Learning some of the Italian folk songs that were sung by relatives around the kitchen table. Rewards for behaviour came in the form of a 45 or maybe even an LP, I stopped chewing my nails several times for those :) My sister Linda and I spent many hours listening and re-listening to passage of music so we could decipher the lyrics. The stereo console that my dad built with it's glowing tubes and pennies balanced on the tone arm brought many joyful moments and precious memories. As a family we would try to win a prize from CKPR radio by naming all the songs on the nightly Top Ten. And my most prized possession, my Strauss radio. So I could always listen to music uninterrupted. Mom knew back then how important it was to me. She knew me like no other ever has.

It is only with the wisdom of time and age that I have come to recognize the saving grace that is the soundtrack of my life. From the music that makes me cry, or laugh, or think, or remember, or smile or even smirk. There is a song associated with every pivotal moment in my life. And with many of the people that have been a part of my life. What a list it would be if I wrote it down!

As I try to work out problems or move past difficulties, there has always been music to help me. I'll play a single tune over and over again until my heart and mind are at peace again. I will be forever grateful for the words and music and of course the artist who was there for me. I have a huge admiration for the singer-songwriter, for they understand!

Having said all that, it shouldn't come as a big surprise that when my psychology class went off on a tangent to debate "If God dropped down in front of you right now and you had to give up your hearing or your sight, which would you chose to lose?" I stood alone and never wavered in my belief. Take my eyes, but let me hear.

I don't care what you look like. I know all to well that appearances can change. But I want to hear what is in your heart, how you say it, how you mean it. "I love you" Three words that anyone can say, but that changes depending on the speaker. Reading lips just doesn't give you the same feeling as hearing the words. "I'm okay". How many times have you heard that and not believed it? But, see it in print or on the lips and it is credible. 

For 30 years I have maintained that I would rather lose my sight than my hearing. Someone else can do the driving, I can get books on tape, I can feel the features of the face of the ones I love. 

But without my hearing I will not find the peace in my heart. The building block of my life and my source of strength. 

So, isn't it ironic that for the third time in my life I have lost my hearing. It's frustrating and I'm not doing as okay as I say, if you listen you can hear it in my voice. 

It's my sinuses that are the primary culprit. Previously, cat allergies caused sinus infections that went to my ears. As the infection cleared so did the hearing improve. This time, it's a cold that went to my lungs (wicked cough) and then to my ears. A double ear infection. The antibiotics don't seem to be helping, in fact my hearing which was at an 80% loss last week is now 98% gone. I am begging for help as I sit in the doctors office surrounded by people but all alone.

This time, there are no kids and their friends coming and going, slamming doors and asking "What's for dinner?". There is no dog running around the house and barking to be let out. There is no life for my eyes to see what I can't hear. The radio was always on, whether I was home or not because I never came home to an empty house when my friends where singing me a song. I wasn't alone when I could sing along and sometimes even dance. 

My world now is silent and I hate it. I'm in a box and everything is shut out. The silence is deafening. And as always SILENCE IS NEVER GOLDEN...to me!

My brother Ron didn't see me but he heard me say I love you.
Here is a link to more writings about my family: http://www.pinkpantherfan.ca/Family_Here_and_Gone.php