Bruised Not Broken

Not Broken - Goo Goo Dolls

I am deeply touched by the number of people who have reached out to try and take my hand and guide me from the dark abyss that I have stumbled into. I heard your phone messages and they left a lump in my throat listening to the concern in your voices. I read your messages with glassy eyes clouded with tears. My mind still feels as though I am surrounded by a think fog. 


I don't know how to reach out to someone in a time of need. There have been times that I tried and was soundly rejected or abused for my weakness. It is different when those that you reach out to are the family who bore you and love you unconditionally. Or even those partners who have come into your life to stick by you through thick and thin. Like it or not, my reality is that for the past nearly 40 years I have fended for myself and had no one to rely on but myself for emotional and financial support. Save for those brief personal relationships that left me wondering why? So, in times of darkness and despair I turn inward. I shut out anyone trying to get in and put myself in my own place of safety. There is only one person that I can count on to help me and that is me. My safety is behind my wall that I built to shield myself from pain. The people who were sent to ensure my personal safety didn't understand that being with other people doesn't instill a sense of security for me but a feeling of supreme loneliness. I am not so stupid as to assume that I am the only person who has ever experienced loss of family but the difference I see is the absence of support afterwards. Hindsight truly does have 20/20 vision. But I can't go back in time and change who I have become and how I cope with my reality. 

Looking back, it is funny how quickly I can let go of my need for solitude as soon as I feel like I am accepted. Perhaps the need is so great that I open myself up too quickly and leave myself vulnerable but that is one for the psychiatrists couch. Hell, who am I kidding - I already know that I do that, the psychiatrist would only help in changing the behaviour not identifying it. Due to the loss of family at such a young age, there are under-lying attachment issues. I am afraid I will be left alone. I am worried that I won't be liked. Social phobia would be the proper text book title. Although paradoxically with just the inkling of acceptance and I run blindly in. Sometimes I trip, sometimes I am tripped. Perhaps I am a sucker for punishment or simply that eager to share my life with someone but I never quit playing that game. It's a challenge and one that I welcome.


I possess an unabashedly optimistic view on the goodness of people. I have a faith born of the teachings of the Catholic Church and the morality instilled upon me as a child and the adult belief in Karma. Put it all together and I steadfastly believe that what goes around comes around and that I don't need to seek revenge to avenge my character. The Golden Rule states: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you". That is wonderful in theory except, I followed the rule and came across a whole lot of people who under the shroud of Catholicity did the opposite. I couldn't treat a sewer rat the way that I was treated.


There are a lot of problems with this mindset. First and foremost, with respect to Karma. What the hell did my family do to deserve the sadness and tragedy endured? While pedophiles are free to live amongst us with the protection of anonymity and financial freedom provided by the government. Secondly, what did I do to deserve the treatment I received at the hands of my employer the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board to be specific. People abusing their positions as educators are left in classrooms to warp the minds of the children they are entrusted to care for. Teachers who couldn't spell ABC are evaluating your children and then going on to tell them that the Great Wall of China was torn down. "Heels" was likely in an early morning drunken stupor when she confused the Berlin Wall with the Great Wall - my god, I am still making excuses for her ineptness. But the lowly employee had to sit there and listen to the poison filling the impressionable minds and say nothing. For she was the stupid one - she is I. But for everything they said, they could never fault my work ethic. I was threatened with bodily harm by students - nothing was done. I brought the abuse of drugs and alcohol within the school walls to the attention of the principal - nothing was done. My utmost concern was for the education and well-being of the students - I complied with everything that was requested of me. They couldn't attack me professionally, so they attacked my character. They are the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board and they are bullies who don't know the first thing about practicing what they preach. 



The real kick in the pants is that while I once sat in the drivers seat of the bus running down the road of my life, now I sit in the back...in the shitter! It stinks! We all want some control over our lives and I have none. It was recently said to me that living with this uncertainty of the past 1 1/2 years would have the best of us experiencing anxiety. Some days it is just to much and I fall under the weight of it all. 


My spirit may have been broken and my dreams ripped out from under me, but my soul remains. With time I will rise again - like the Phoenix. Just one question - Is the Phoenix like a cat with a specified number of lives? I may be running short...