A Cry Only She Heard

Surround - In-Flight Safety

You surround yourself with people who make you happy and the places where you will find peace. But then you turn around and those people are gone. 

Maybe they walked, maybe they ran, maybe they were buried. But they are gone...they weren't meant to stay.

So how much should you fight to keep someone who doesn't want to be? It's a question I have struggled with. 

This is not a commentary on suicide because people who contemplate taking their own life really are only trying to stop pain in the only way they believe will work. People who don't feel alone (in the world or in their mind) in my opinion don't consider the end as the best route to happiness. People who feel supported aren't afraid to lean.

This is also not a discussion on the right to a dignified death when the time comes, at whatever age we are when that door is the only one open. There are no concrete answers to this dilemma for me. I always thought I would not want to be kept artificially alive, then I heard about Robyn Benson who was 22 weeks pregnant when she suffered a brain hemorrhage that left her brain dead. She was kept on life support to give her baby a fighting chance at life. Baby Iver was welcomed into the world as his mother was allowed to go. As a mother, I would not object to a machine-assisted existence to save the life of my child. Or to save my organs for transplant purposes.

So that's not what this is about...so what is the point of these ramblings today. Relationships is the pat answer. In most relationships you see what you want to see and feel what you want to feel. Maybe it's an addiction problem, maybe it's an indiscretion or a little white lie - but so often we grow into a comfort zone with another person and we don't want to upset the cart. So we pretend that what is happening is not real or it will go away. I'm not just talking about marital relationships but friends and colleagues as well. 

When we put ourselves into the vulnerable position of a relationship, we are opening ourselves up for pain. We trust that the other will not hurt us, but sometimes it is a trust misplaced and we are battered.  

I think it can be beneficial to look back on a failed relationship to seek ways to improve the odds of success for next time, or to give our self-esteems a boost by understanding that it wasn't all us. Self-doubt and criticism rules and tramples our fragile egos when a relationship fails. I would like to think that, but I can't always practice what I preach. Some relationships (work) I am simply not strong enough to want to remember. Yet - maybe never. 

One thing I know for sure is that all my relationships fail for one main reason. Me! I am the reason that they will not continue. I am the one who made the decision to end it. But sometimes, it is more of a hiatus than a permanent dismissal. There always seems to come a point where I realize how one-sided my relationships are and put an end to them. The grand optimist often surfaces and is quick to give an adversary a second (third, fourth etc) chance. This isn't looking through the mirror of the past with rose-coloured glasses, but reading the words written in the truth of anonymity. 

I have learned this about myself in recent months. Not through some intensive therapy laying on a couch or even hours spent in mindful introspection. But literally reading the words I myself wrote. Years of diaries that chronicle the day to day thoughts and occurrences of past life lived.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. All there. Intimate details about personal experiences, youthful foibles and questionable decisions made. Reactions to others and their thoughts spoken about me. From the age of 8 years. The innocence of a child, the angry teenager and the insecure young adult. With no one left to talk to or listen without judgement I wrote/talked to myself. The problem was I didn't listen. I had no advice to give for I had no frame of reference for love and respect.

Over and over again I was taken advantage of. And I knew it was happening for I wrote about how I felt when it happened yet - I allowed it to continue over and over again. One-sided relationships. In love and in friends and even colleagues. I never spoke up. 

Ah, to look to the past as a predictor of future behaviour. I wish I was that smart to have done that. But I did not have that foresight. The written word now tells me that I was smart, but the people in my life convinced me that I was a fool who was undeserving of respect.

Looking back now, I feel sorry for that girl who had so much hope that things would get better that she was broken by the half-filled glass regularly. And more times than even I remembered she used that broken glass to try to stop the pain and cry for help. A cry that only she heard. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flash forward a quarter of a century and nothing has changed. Six months have passed and we said WE would call often. They haven't called yet. I did. Then my eyes saw the one-sided relationship and I stopped. It hurt but no one heard me cry. 

It was written that in a drunken stupor you hurt me and I said nothing. I allowed it to continue. In a drunken stupor the tables were turned and I was blamed and hurt again. I wish I could tell you the whole truth and you would hear. But you don't want to hear what I have to say. I keep my pain hidden. 

I asked for help and I was forgotten. I just wanted to bring some closure to a painful incident. Just look and see if you can find anything. Do it for me, because I admit that I am too weak. I wait and then I stop asking. I may be important in your life but my usefullness is past expiration. I see that but I don't want it to be.

But the pain that hurts the most is the one I expected to never hurt me. I asked for very little because I knew that there was nothing to be offered. I just wanted the simple acknowledgement of being. How long does it take to say "Hi!"? How hard is it to type or text "Hey"? One-sided, I see that. I gave you what you needed but my wants were trampled on. You knew how much being lied to upset me but you wanted me to believe that you just weren't around. I know it's not the truth but I never confront you with the proof. I remain stupid and in pain. And as much as I know deep down that I am worth it, I am afraid. Afraid to let you know that I am worth it. Afraid to really believe it myself. Afraid of free-fall.  

Re-reading these journal entries is like watching my life pass before my eyes in high definition slow-motion. Clarity that comes from looking with the years of disconnection to the past. There are certain truths about me that I have come to accept. I fail at relationships because no one ever took the time to help me understand that my role in them is not to be a doormat. Nobody ever took the time to tell me that I was worth being respected. Nobody taught me to have a voice. Nobody every told me that I was worth it. 

These are things that parents teach their children. My parents didn't fail, they were taken from me. My subsequent guardian didn't believe I was worth it...so neither did I. 

I am trying to teach myself that I am a good person and that it is okay to tell people that I am to be respected. But years of rejection and self-doubt are hard to erase without the support of someone in your corner. 

I am in the corner trying to find my voice. And no one is there to hear me cry.

PS. I now understand my aversion to the telephone. I was told too often that no one wanted to hear from me. On the off chance I have taken the plunge to call, I often found rejection. I don't call for help without anguish. I learned to do it all without help. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Valentines Day upon us tomorrow, I plead with you to put some thought into a truly heartfelt show of your love. Do not wait until the last minute and then go to the only store open 11:30pm on Valentines and buy barrettes for someone who never wears them (yeah it happened). If you are going to do breakfast in bed for your significant other make sure you don't confuse how they take their coffee with someone else of importance in your life. Having a frank discussion on expectations can alleviate some of these problems and isn't a terrible idea. Keep it light though since I heard one poll that found 22% of respondents had been dumped on Valentines Day. Ouch!

And for God sakes, if you are alone, don't impulsively change your entire life with the adoption of a pet that you aren't ready for. If your life is too screwed up, maybe a pet doesn't belong in it right now. Don't allow the commercialism of what is really just another day, to impact the welfare of an innocent animal. However...if on February 21 you still want to add a furry or feathered friend to your family...ADOPT! :)

credit where credit is due:

http://www.theprovince.com/health/Baby+Iver+good+survival+chances+pregnant+braindead+Victoria+woman/9469545/story.html