On the Choppy Seas

Unwell - Matchbox 20

(love his t-shirt)

On this voyage of self-discovery, I am learning things about me that I am not entirely sure I even want to know. It takes my belief system puts it in a jar and shakes it up. I don't know which way is up and I'm not convinced that I even like the new structure.

from the internet

I understand the basis of my failed relationships of the past and why I made some of the choices that I did. But it means that relationships I have today are built of false pretenses and are doomed to fail. That hurts a lot to know that. I hold some of them very dear and they mean a lot to me. So on this beautiful summer day I am mourning yet another loss...because I feel so damned alone. I don't understand what is wrong with me. 

And I am so afraid to meet anyone new because failure means more loss and I really don't know how much more I can take. I don't have the fight or the strength! But this isn't about one person - it never really is - unless that one person is me. But that is one of those things you learn about yourself that is very hard to come to terms with. Maybe it is me? Maybe I am flawed in too many ways to fit anywhere?

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The above paragraphs were written sometime ago but I think they still have relevance today. And so I include them here

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It starts all rather gradually and then hits me in the face like a ton of bricks one at a time. I can't dodge them all and I'm tired of trying. I didn't even realize I was on the slide until I fell at the bottom. There are signs, the bricks I dodge are signs. But in my attempts to avoid confrontation I am vulnerable to attack. I don't know how to deal with it and I fall before I know I am slipping beneath the waves of despair. 

Hindsight is 20/20 they say. Today I can look back on the past few weeks and see the exact point the decline started. I thought that the acknowledgement of that event and how it made me feel was enough to keep me strong. But like the nearly 10 year struggle with being bullied by the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board, I just pushed the incident into the recesses of my mind where I thought it couldn't hurt. 

from the Bully Project

It started as a friendly conversation but something was said in a manner that can only be described as demeaning. I thought I brushed it off. It wasn't until much later in the day when I realized that from the moment of that comment I never looked at her again. I still spoke but although we conversed, I looked down at the table when I spoke. I couldn't tell you her name or her hair colour. That realization reminded me of being a weak peon at the hands of my superiors in the School Board. Being spoken to like I didn't have a single thought to call my own. Many meetings in that board room, and the only thing I remember is the surface of the table. And one who chastised me in front of a group of 8-10 by saying "Look at me when I talk to you!" I felt like a 4 year old - although I never spoke to anyone (not even a child) like that myself. 

I really believed that by making that connection to the past trauma I had let the recent events go. Apparently not. Band-aids once again graced my fingers like so many rings. Nights became dreamless with constant periods of wakefullness. Turmoil was the prevailing sentiment based on the condition of the bed coverings. Motivation went out the window and unless there was a specific appointment to dress for and attend, I only saw the sunshine from the security of my balcony. My mind was becoming shrouded in a blanket of persistent fog. I had to read a passage several times to have it register or give up. Days became like the nights, dreamless with occasional periods of wakefullness. 

Now I see what was happening. Then I didn't. It hit me when someone casual said "How was your week?", and I couldn't remember having done anything of significance. Alone, the tears began to flow. I couldn't breath. By the morning the events of the past few weeks became clear as another journey downwards. The tears, the elephant parked on my chest and the fog enveloping my mind, I didn't know where to turn. 

from the internet

Like an angel sent from the heavens someone called...just because. Not the first time that she has called at exactly the time I needed it although she is many miles away - she senses? I hung up with her and dialed for professional help. I can't do this alone anymore. The demons are too strong for me to fight alone. 

One thing I have realized is that when I reach out there are some who are willing to be there. They don't have to do anything, the knowledge and feeling that I am not alone is enough. Messages of concern prevailed and although I questioned reaching out so publicly - I am grateful that I did. 

I am beginning to recognize these tell-tale sign of the choppy seas on the horizon and I hope that I can come to a point where I can reverse the negative tide. Time will tell I suppose. But lack of self-care is leading to some unmistakable bouts of serious dehydration. Awareness is a key to help. 

I can't make any promises about tomorrow but today, I'll be okay. Last night I dreamed again. For when my mind is at peace I can enjoy the love and compassion in my subconscious.