Leaving by choice...or not

Hard Road - Sam Roberts Band

Loss is a different feeling for everyone. Everyone feels loss in a different intensity. And there are just as many types of loss too. In less than a week I have been moved by two very different types of losses in very diverse ways. Leaving by choice and leaving with no choice.

Loss of a loved one is probably one of the most profound. In this case, loss can refer to death, divorce or missing. There can be some measure of hope in the case of missing but the pain of that loss can go for a lifetime if no answers are ever found, if no questions are ever answered. 

I have experienced more than my fair share of death of family members and can speak with some credibility there. And in my humble opinion, divorce is much harder to cope with than death. Death is a finality and with that lack of hope, we can process the grief and move on with our lives. The pain never goes but we learn to live with it and without those we love. 

In a divorce situation the loss can impact our life in similar ways. A person we love is no longer with us. We will always wonder if it was us, if maybe we had done things differently, if we had said, if we hadn't said. Ex-partner bashing is not something I personally engaged in, nor did I sugar-coat the truth. The fact of the matter is that if I consistently undermine and belittle an ex-partner, what does that say about me and my choices. If a childs parent is so unworthy that you can't say anything nice about them what does that say about the child that is half of that alleged so called waste of space. 

Whatever came of a once important relationship, it is crucial to remember that you did once see some goodness in that person. And your children have inherited some of that as well. Just because they aren't right for you anymore doesn't mean that they aren't okay for someone else. And they can have them ;) I divorced for a reason and I respect the decision I made. I hope that my children have been able to come to terms with their sense of loss in the least impactful way possible.

Please Don't Bury Me - John Allan Cameron

(this version includes an introduction

song starts at about 1 minute mark)

Back to the experience of loss in the form of death. Although five immediate family members have died on me at various times, I was either two young to remember or unable to attend a funeral. People just assume that I am familiar with the customs and practises. But I am not. The one funeral I attended impacted me in ways that I struggled to cope with and in some sense still haunts me. At 22 it was not my desire to pick my brothers casket. Nothing in your life prepares you for that. 

I feel loss and a most overwhelming sense of compassion and empathy for someone I know that has lost a loved one. It's not because I necessarily know the person who has passed but I know a relative. I don't pretend that I understand their pain but I do feel their pain. And I feel it most profoundly.

But what is the right thing to do? When it is a friend or acquaintance and you don't know the family at all. I want to show support but I struggle with funerals and traditional services. I don't completely agree with the modern day burial practises that have become more business and less necessity. Environmentally I would prefer alternatives. 

If I don't attend a funeral, please don't take it to mean anything more than I would like to show support but need support myself to get through it. I can't think of anyplace that I feel more alone than in the middle of a funeral gathering. Sorry.

Maybe it was enduring so much death when I was young, but it's never been a topic I shy away from. Many sunny summer days were spent at the graveyard planting flowers and tending the mausoleum. There was some comfort found there. The only time that my family was together. Death is a part of life and when your time comes if you have preferences, you must communicate them.

I did that when my children were about 8 and 9 years old and we were on a family car trip. They were all that was left of my family. They had to know. A story on the news radio was a perfect segue to begin to share my choices. Keeping it age appropriate, I told my kids that I was not to be buried but cremated instead. They couldn't keep my ashes because I didn't want to be halved or fought over. So they promised that they would go to my hometown of Thunder Bay and sprinkle my ashes on the nose of the Sleeping Giant and see if he sneezes. They laughed and never forgot their Mom's strange request. Of course now that they are older we were able to discuss more details like costs of services and spending money on a celebration of life. Party! 

How Many Miles - Kim Stockwood

   
How many miles from home are you? Leaving home (your birthplace) is a loss in itself. Everything you knew and counted on was at home. Stability and security. You had friends all over because you had to meet and interact with so many different people during school and activities. 

If you lived in a community for most of your years growing up and then moved quite far away you will understand when I say that it is like ripping a piece of your heart out. Everything you encounter is suddenly strange and unfamiliar - the comforts of home, the friendly faces, all left behind. I did that exact thing (as many do to pursue higher education) however I never again returned. The closest I have lived to my hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario since high school was 1000 miles. Milton, Oakville, Georgetown in Ontario and Bridgetown, Coldbrook and Halifax, Nova Scotia. It took me 30 years of moving about before I finally felt like I was really home - here in Halifax. Why? I don't have a good explanation for that.

But I do understand the need for being on the move. Just recently a friend I met recently decided to move back home. After 10 years on the east coast she is headed for the opposite coast. A place that she still calls home. She was feeling a loss for that home she left and the only way to ease her pain was to return. Her departure is a loss for this neck of the woods for she was instrumental in engaging people in the community and introducing them to local cultural events. 

I hope she finds happiness wherever she may land. It's not easy to intentionally lose everything that is of comfort to you. To pull yourself up by the roots and go to where nobody knows your name and everything is different from when you were there before. I know...I did it. Too many times. But sometimes you have to try on a lot of pairs of shoes before you find the ones that you can live in and with! :) 

Hometown for me represents loss and with all the loss there is nothing there for me anymore. My friend is going to family she left when she wanted to pursue higher education. Now its time for her to return. 

I have found my "home" in the heart and soul of the people of the beautiful city of Halifax in Nova Scotia. Someday I may understand what my innate drive is that brought me here in the first place or I may not. I have found peace and I have found kindred spirits and I can always go back to visit the pieces of my heart that I left behind.