Looking in the Face of a Lobster

Lucknow - Greg Keelor

"Many are the roads that are offered
Many are the times that I will stray
Still for all the directions that I've travelled
It is here that my heart will remain"

It's been a long time since I have had the ability to sit and write a few words here. There was a very big change in my life that I had to deal with and in a very brief nutshell that transition was beyond a nightmare that taxed every fiber of my being. Someday I will have the strength to write about that but today isn't that day. 

I have been on a 2 1/2 year quest to find myself and try and return to that person I was before the DPCDSB broke me. I have been searching for so long that it has become a pattern for my whole life. Particularly in this transitional phase with nothing being where it once was. Survival dictated that I had to sell a lot of my personal belonging to pay bills and fight to keep my family home. As time passed and there was no change in my financial status, I began to pack up what was left in preparation for the day when I would be tossed to the street or be forced to give up at least part of my house to strangers. By this time I have no idea where most of my stuff is - sold, packed in a box, in another part of the house. My mind being as weak as it was at that time, I couldn't keep up with the changes. Soon, it didn't matter what it was I usually had to spend some time looking for it. I feared putting my phone on silent because many times I had to phone it to find it. I hid car and house keys outside as a back up. I've always been a "piler" - a pile of papers here, a pile over there - and I write on whatever I can put my hands on and put it in a pile. But when I sold a piece of furniture that held my piles I was screwed! Anyone who practices the fine art of "piles" (and I know I am not alone) knows that to amalgamate piles is a akin to a scrambling eggs. You can never find the yolk again. I am learning to hard boil some eggs to preserve them. Easier to find too unless my mom hid them for the annual Easter Egg hunt. That woman had a worse memory than I. Heredity?  

I put my faith and trust in someone I thought was reputable, but they weren't. Now what I held near and dear to my heart was trashed and unceremoniously dumped on me and some was dumped somewhere that they won't tell me. So I still spend a lot of my time looking for things. Sometimes to be found - sometimes to be mourned. I had to catalogue loss and damage and that was difficult to do through the tears brought on by lamenting loss, damage and the pain of kicking myself for allowing myself to become so vulnerable. It was one step forward and 10 back. In the frustration and exasperation at the thought of yet another fight for survival was too much some days. It was a violation of not only property but a personal one too. 


But there is renewal occurring that I have orchestrated myself. And the music lifts my soul and my heart. Despite multiple family tragedies that have been a direct result of the automobile, I find a weight is lifted off my shoulders when I drive. Like a dog sticking his head out the window and feeling the wind blow through his fur the long paved road clears the cobwebs from my mind, with each new bend in the road comes a new vista and for me a different outlook. Concentrating on the road instead of the problem allows a thought process to happen that wouldn't occur other wise. When left to wander we usually find the right path for us, unencumbered by what society dictates or expects of us. And so, to that end I bucked the system and conventional wisdom. I picked up the pieces of my life and took it down the road to a place where I thought I could find peace. So far so good (expect for that month of transition).

Canada is a wonderfully beautiful diverse country. I admit that (for now at least) my experience lies within the eastern half - the part that Terry Fox himself became very familiar with during his Marathon of Hope. This past August I took the same journey in reverse on my Marathon. In no way to minimize the feat of Terry Fox, I didn't run but it did take a lot of my courage on my part regardless. I began my journey in Thunder Bay. Being born there, growing up there until high school graduation - when I left at the age of 21, I left my family buried there never to be seen again. This visit was final farewell to that place. Never is a long time and I suppose that at some point I may return but I have certainly made it more difficult for that to happen. I will always miss having the opportunity to be with 5 minutes of seeing the Sleeping Giant. What is it about that hunk of rock that yanks me back? It's not like the image of Jesus in a piece of toast that you have to stare at to see...There is a man laying in the water - you can't miss it. The legend of Nanabijou from the Native American stories is fascinating and one I've heard so often that it seems real to me. There's no mistaking the reality of the majestic man sleeping peacefully for all eternity protecting not just the bay but the people who live in Thunder Bay. In the hardest and most trying times of my life when I felt the most despair I got myself to Hillcrest Park where I could sit on the small stone wall, or on the grass in front of it hidden from view and "just be me". The giant man didn't judge but his presence spoke volumes to me and his ears heard my unspoken words and the breeze from the great Superior lake dried my tears. Many times as he showed me the sun's coming and going and I saw hope. I watched the ships slide into port to be filled with the prairie wheat, I longed to board and head off to places unknown away from my pain. But I had seen the workings of a grain elevator and knew the story of the Edmund Fitzgerald that fought and lost the battle of Lake Superior. But from my safe vantage point the water and the waves brought peace. It was my open road before I could drive and take myself away.

Thunder Bay's Sleeping Giant and a lake freighter as seen from Hillcrest Park August 2013

Having said goodbye to my childhood, it was time to say "See ya" to my adulthood. My days as a active parent were ending, but that was okay. I had done my job and I had done it well if I do say so - they weren't babies anymore but fine young adults. She graduated from post-secondary school and spread her wings to embrace her life with the man of her dreams. He graduated from post-secondary school and had left the nest to conquer the world. I would always be there for them but I didn't need to be in their shadow or on their doorstep. I left with their blessing and understanding. It's all I needed. There were other people in my life that were hard to leave behind and they know who they are. If they don't know..they weren't. Looking back now, I don't think that the GTA was ever my home - just a place I hung around from time to time. Some great people, music, shopping and attractions but it certainly became a toxic place for me in the past few years. The people I knew are easy to see and connect with - I miss the ability to see Blue Rodeo as frequently as I had been. Unknowingly, they were a big support for me. But I have my ticket 3 months in advance for their upcoming tour stop in Halifax! :) 

Hasn't Hit Me Yet - Blue Rodeo

"You say that you're leaving Well, that comes as no surprise

Still I kinda like this feelin' Of being left behind

This ain't nothing new to me Well, it's just like goin' home

It's kinda like those sunsets That leave you feelin' so stoned"

I didn't yet get as far as Saint John's, Newfoundland where Terry Fox started his Marathon of Hope but I am within striking distance and I am drawing from his legacy of hope. Even as I was being beaten down in the first month - I could avert my gaze and look to the city and the sea and know that there were good people on the earth and not everyone was going to hurt me. It's different here. That village that came together for the child - that concept didn't need to be taught here. Everyone takes care of each other - regardless of age. I don't think a safer place exists for a pedestrian or cyclist. The homeless, the beggars, the down on their luck - they are respected (even if they aren't paid). People on the phone call you dear or sweetie - they like you and don't even know you. I have walked the streets alone and am never shunned. I feel safe - and I haven't felt that way in many years. This is a city where my guardian angels live where my soul has always belonged. I am home.

There are certain traits in my personality and way of coping that I have come to realize are a direct result of the experiences I had as a child. I suppose that is true for all of us, but I never recognized it or put the pieces of the puzzle together before. There was no need to connect the dots. Not wanting any more hurt or pain, I can write people off and never give them another thought. At the same time they can knock on the door of my heart and I'll let them in again - sometimes to hurt be hurt again. I'm a fool that way. Once bitten twice shy does not apply to me. Life is short and that is driven home when you watch your family die way before their time. You have to make the best of the time you have - so to that end. If I don't like it or I'm not happy, it's up to me to change it. You can't wait for tomorrow, because tomorrow may not be. So with a little of the nomadic spirit that our ancestors had when they moved blindly to another country - I pick up and leave what I know relatively easily and have done it a handful of times. Always within Canada - sometimes 100 miles away, sometimes 1000 miles. Sometimes there is a logical reason, sometimes I follow my heart (and I don't mean love). I've been told it's all very selfish on my part. One of my most drastic moves, I left the only family I knew (including my brother) to move halfway across the country. That time, I used the under-lying excuse of going to school as a reason, but what I never shared with anyone was that there were schools I could have gone to in my neighbourhood but I didn't want to. This last shake up, was probably the most selfish - for this time I left the family I made behind. My children. But staying there was making me into someone I wasn't and it was someone I didn't like and someone my kids didn't know. As much as it hurt for me to cry all the time, it hurt me more to avoid my children so they wouldn't witness it. 

That was then, now I begin anew and try to rebuild and heal. I want the pain to be behind me. I just want to be free. So, if you ever find yourself looking in the face of a fresh caught lobster - look me up, I'm around the corner. Free at last...

"Don't live with lies for they will catch up with you

Don't live with regrets for they will make you sad

Don't live in the past for the past you cannot change - nor should it be forgotten."

Life wavers uncertainly like a broken spider web blowing in the breeze. GLC Inc

credit where credit is due:

http://www.thunderbay.ca/Visiting/Beyond_The_City_Lights/About_Thunder_Bay_and_Region/local_legends/sleeping_giant.htm
http://www.terryfox.org/

The Waves are Calling

Mimi on the Beach - Jane Siberry

I never thought I would be able to stand it. It has been 6 days without the sound of music ringing in my ears almost 24/7. But something else has replaced the soothing tunes of the bands I love; the constant sound of the waves methodically slapping against the rocky shore and the occasional low-pitched rumble of the hummingbirds coming to the cottage window to feed. It is all very soothing and rhythmic cadence has the ability to lull one into a place of nirvana that puts me in mind of a particularly successful yoga or meditation session. The inner peace that comes with doing something that causes your heart to spill over with overwhelming sense of joy and love: like holding your brand new baby for the very first time. The wonder in their eyes is the wonder that I feel when I watch that movement of the open water. It takes me away to a place where nothing else matters. Of course the spectacular sunsets can easily take the place of the mundane fair on the television, the changing cloud patterns and pictures they make are like a never-ending movie. Even the spinning propeller on the airplane whirl-i-gig can capture my attention for hours on end and I watch it spin while my imagination runs rampant with the adventures that the plane embarks on, the people who have journeyed. I know it isn’t true for only the inhabitants of Lilliput…for they would have to be very tiny to fit into the hull of this particular 12” wooden aircraft. Where are the little people going? Where have they come from? The hummingbirds whizzing past could be pterodactyls in a size comparison. Or fighter jets dive bombing the intruder. Even the yellow caterpillars (no bigger than a grain of rice) that float through the air on the breeze are imagined as paratroopers on a mission. It's a wonderful life when there is nothing but the beauty of nature to clutter your thoughts.

Sunset with a plane ready to land :)

And this is how I have been spending my time for the past week. Well that and soaking up the sun during the day, reading, visiting, building inukshuks. You see a rocky beach - I see art!

a small sampling of the visitors that arrived

It is a beautiful place and the owner who extended the invitation to have me come out and share in the blissfulness calls it heaven on earth. I now for myself see why she does. I’ve never been a cottager but I can see myself fitting in this scenario quite well. Truth be told, I think I knew before I arrived that my heart belonged on the water and that my soul is at peace when it is regulated by the rhythmic sound of the lapping waves. Unconsciously it has always been the go-to place; as a youth in turmoil I always made my way to the look-off in my hometown of Thunder Bay and would sit for hours just thinking or sometimes letting my mind drift like the buoys alerting the watercraft of danger. I was too far away to hear the waters of Lake Superior crashing onto the shore, but I had an incomparable view of the Sleeping Giant and the freighters that navigate the waters of the Great Lakes. The ships came empty and filled up with the grains from the prairies that came to our city via trains. It was a bustling place back then in its heyday. At the time I wasn’t concerned about the  economics, but rather the majesty of those hulking ships. So big and massive yet they could float like a feather on the water. I wanted to be the Sleeping Giant. Laying out there at the mouth of the harbour - he is majestic and so at peace. He was as alone as I felt but he carried a heavy burden. The story of Nanabijou as the Ojibway called him was a legend about the riches of the silver mines over which he lays.  He was condemned to a life of stone to forever be the protector of the bounty in the mines under the waters of Lake Gitche Gumee. To this day you can see partly submerged silver mine shafts but efforts to pump out the water have repeatedly failed. The Great Spirit of the Deep Sea Water ensures that it remains flooded.  It was a great place to grow up but it became infused with too much tragedy for me to stay. I think I have been searching for my Nirvana ever since. 

Sunset with one of the 30 inukshuks I built

Sometimes you can make your piece of heaven wherever you are dependent on the people you are with. I’ve loved every place I have lived with my children, but I was so busy marveling at their beauty as they grew that I never realized how much I was missing the tranquility of the waters. Only in the past few years of dealing with my own personal struggles have I felt a compelling need to escape and return to the water. Maybe I was a mermaid in a previous life…lol! I wonder if Sagittarius is a water sign? Is it just me that is drawn to the waters like a magnet? I doubt that one but I do know it is true for me. Interestingly, while I enjoy boats - I am not drawn to being on the water so much as being near it. That is life experiences I suspect. While I enjoyed swimming, I didn't revel in competitive swimming especially when the coach would throw styrofoam floaties to get your attention. These days you will still find me in the water, but with or on a floatie (so it can't be thrown) and seeking out the perfect wave or rollers to take me away. Like a baby in a cradle I am cocooned in the warmth of the water, being rocked by Mother Nature herself. I've been in a number of boats in my younger years where I wasn't comfortable with the competency level of the "captain". Sailboats may be more my speed - I would like to know what it is like to be gliding over the calm waters with the fluttering of the sail guiding your course. Maybe someday I will. For now the bigger dream is a ocean going vessel to take me across the Atlantic, or on a Mediterranean or Norwegian cruise. I should check those lottery tickets...I could be climbing aboard now :) 

Sunset with a piece of driftwood 

It was with great trepidation that I left this land of peace and love. It is with the knowledge that someday soon I will return. Perhaps the next time will be a more permanent journey. Closer to the people and land and sea that I love. And the host will never know just how much I appreciated their kindness, for they allowed me to clear my mind and cleanse my soul to find a goal that with some conviction and sacrifice I can someday achieve. And not look back.  

From the water we are born.  

The water sustains us. Food we can live without. 

Water enables all life forms.  

Our strongest emotions are shown by the appearance of water.  

All I really know is it is on the shores that I belong and will one day return to. 

It is not to dust that I wish to return - but to the water.