It wasn't supposed to be like this!

Sinking Like a Sunset - Tom Cochrane

I'm standing on the edge of sanity fighting with everything in me to hold on. I am so damn afraid that one day I won't be able to come back. How many times can you stretch a rubber band before it just snaps? Age itself is an enemy. 


I'm an avoider. Right now it is the only way I know how to cope. In the past week, 80% of the mail and 90% of the phone calls that have reached me have pushed me that much closer to wanting to give up. And I ask myself how stupid am I that I continue to pick up the phone and retrieve the mail. And the funny thing is, there is mail I have shoved away unopened and phone calls that I let ring on. I just can't deal sometimes. 


I am hitting a milestone in my life and of course these times encourage us to reflect. What have I become? Am I satisfied? Well when I take stock I am discouraged. IT WASN'T SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS! I had a plan. It was achievable - until I was beaten down and discarded. Now, at a time when I expected to be able to enjoy the fruits of my labour - I am not working, I live life in fear, I don't like what I see in the mirror, I am more alone than I have ever been before, I don't laugh like I used to and I always seem to be fighting back tears.


For years I worked damn hard to ensure that I alone could provide a good, if not extravagant life for my two children. Nobody had to help us, nobody did help us. Not the government, not social service agencies, not their father. All we had was each other for moral, psychological and financial support. They both went on to post-secondary education and got good jobs upon graduation. And now that the only person I have to support is me....I am on the verge of losing my home and the car isn't too far behind.


But as I reach out, swallow any pride I have left and ask for help. It's not there. I foolishly allow myself to have some hope and in the end I am left feeling abandoned. 


How is it that some people can sail through life with very few clouds while others struggle to stay afloat in a leaky boat, in the middle of a gale-force storm with no supplies and broken paddles?