A Hot Guy with Handcuffs Finally Comes to the Door and All He Wants is a Report

Come On Over - Shania Twain

Just my luck to invite someone hot and in a uniform over to the house and all he wants to do is talk! That's talking foreplay a little to seriously lol! 


Okay to be fair, he was a police officer and I called him to make a report. But he was hot and friendly and...married.


A little background, I moved into this house when the kids were barely double digits on the age scale and it was like a piece of heaven in more ways than one.  We had just spent a year in a two bedroom apartment on the third floor of a town house. It was crowded to say the least and miserable at the best of times. Mind you we had come from much more spacious quarters in beautiful Nova Scotia prior to that. So even though we were only going into a small semi-detached bungalow, we were all going to have our own personal space and a yard, and a basement. The neighbours were like heaven sent angels. They were recently retired and had lived on the street forever, they were the original owners of their house and could tell me a complete history of not only who lived and died in my house but nearly every house on the street as well. Yes, I said died, an old man expired of natural causes when he owned the house. The old man next door was constantly helping with whatever needed doing in and around the house and he was quite handy. It worked well, it got him out from under her skin and I got things done around here too. 


Do you remember the TV show Everybody Loves Raymond? The in-laws across the street Frank and Marie? Well, that was what my neighbours became over time, nosy and always in my business. My very own Frank and Marie - let's call them that. There was still a lot of appreciation on my part, but there were times when I knew how to do it and could do it fine on my own. But it turns out that my "Frank" was a bit of a sexist and there were certain things he didn't think women should be doing. That's why he was so helpful. However as his hearing deteriorated over the years it became more and more annoying to have him "help". There was one year when he came over to remind my son that it was time to put up the Christmas lights. We told him that we had decided not to bother with putting up lights that year, and thought that was the end of it. Until a week later he was knocking on the door with the ladder in hand saying it was time. There was no stopping him and after he took the lights himself to check if all the bulbs worked, we had Christmas lights up. 


The summers though were a bigger nuisance though. The patio was in the side yard and all that separated us was a hedge and a lilac bush. It was impossible to do any yard work or entertaining without either Frank or Marie poking their heads over the hedge to ask what was on the barby or offer words of advise on gardening options. Enjoying company but not liking the lack of an option for solitude, I tried letting the hedge grow taller to provide some privacy just in that area. Frank took it upon himself to fix my trimming job. He also disliked the way my manual push mower cut my grass and would re-cut it after I was done with his "power" gas machine. "There now, isn't that better" he would say. I really didn't care it was just grass so, if it kept him busy no harm no foul. And yes, against my wishes he took my two outdoor extension cords and spliced them together into one. The thing is that as far as neighbours go, they could have been worse. It was certainly nice to know that if you needed a spot of milk for your morning coffee, or someone to sign for a package there was someone you could trust. And for 8 years it was exactly that.


The houses were built in the late 1950's and they were amazed when I hired a contractor to come and finish my basement and upgrade my wiring. It wasn't necessary to re-wire and Frank could put up panelling in the basement like he did at his place. No, I don't think so. For quality of living, the basement was definitely a family priority since it could be used 365 days a year and would save money on heating. Frank and Marie were old and set in their ways so during these renovations, I began to prep them about the fence that would be going in at some point, my comments were largely ignored. They didn't see a need for a fence, we had a hedge. I wanted to let the dog out without worrying about tying him up - no hedge would stop him! The first to go was the lilac bush and that was when the grumbling started. The lilac bush had to stay because it provided shade for their side door in the hot days of the summer. I suggested a fence may accomplish the same thing. Throughout the construction that summer, Frank and Marie watched from inside their house, every move that the contractors made and Frank would often come out and question them - delaying the progress and annoying the crew. When it was all said and done, it looked great. Rather than force them to pay for half through their taxes and seeing as they claimed not to have the money to pay for half, I only went halfway down the property line. Just enough to give me the privacy I wanted without shutting them out completely. 


But they weren't happy and the bulls**t started. They complained to the town that the fence wasn't on the property line, that it was too high, that it was crooked and sloped towards their property, that it wasn't regulation. They complained to the the town that I hadn't received a permit for construction of the fence, patio, front deck, basement renos. They complained to the tax assessors that I had done basement renovations without alerting them, that I had installed another washroom without reporting it. They complained about the dog being unleashed, barking incessantly, being unlicensed. It was all ridiculous and I ignored every new onslaught that they threw my way and wrote them off. I refused to stoop to their level. Things calmed down eventually.


About a year ago their grandson moved in. Suddenly garbage was constantly strewn around the patio, feces were flung onto the interlock, the storage cabinet doors were wide open. The hose nozzle and it's attachments were stolen, cigarette butts littered the property, lawn furniture that had been covered was not, and the bricks holding down tarps vanished. It's all stupid little stuff but it's been consistent and escalating in frequency. It got to the point where every time I came home I would look around for new damage or surprises. When I recognized it as a feeling of being unsafe, I called the men in blue. 


He was very easy on the eyes and easy to talk too and sympathetic and did agree that some of what I described could indeed be attributed to wind and nature, but not all of it and some did seem to be just nuisance activities. While it is said that you can leave your doors unlocked and feel safe in this town, the same cannot be said for vehicles. The youth in our community enjoy rifling through neighbourhood cars to see what treasures they will find. But as the officer told me, they never seem to go into backyards, so the likelihood of the grandson being the culprit was quite good. It also seems that the he himself had a run in with the lad one late evening at a local drinking establishment that necessitated him driving the drunken sot home. The officer was concerned about the potential for escalation of behaviour but given the trepidation that I was feeling, it was worth the risk. 


Officer Handsome called me back to report on his conversation with the neighbours. They denied everything regarding their displeasure over the fence, I am apparently the greatest neighbour ever. They did acknowledge that the grandson smokes and may have thrown cigarette butts over the fence when his butt can went missing a while back. They assured him they would discuss that behaviour with the young hooligan and of course they denied everything else. But now at least they know that if anything happens to me or my property, a report has been filed and they will be prime suspects and may think twice before retaliating. I feel better so it was worth it. 


Interestingly, Officer Handsome and I had a nice conversation about the collecting of unique objects - his mother collects very specific butterflies that his wife helps to locate. He was asking me about where I find all the Pink Panthers. The thing that struck me as unusual afterwards that he really saw nothing. The license plate of course, and a few in the kitchen. Really nothing that I would think would prompt that kind of conversation starter...hmmm. If he only knew the extent of the collection lol! Then maybe he might pull out those handcuffs and use them :)

My little piece of heaven in the concrete jungle-the Patio Bar!