I Guess I Am a Fool

Bad Timing - Blue Rodeo

I am hurting and feeling pretty gullible and stupid right now. Yet again! And I have to wonder if I will ever get to a point again where hurting me isn't a number one priority for the people who come into my life. I am not that strong, my shoulders are not that big that I can heft the weight of all that is thrust upon me. I feel like the pressure cooker in the kitchen that everyone is afraid to use and go near so it stays hidden in the back of the rarely opened cupboard. All but forgotten. My chest is constricting, it's hard to breath, and I can't stop shaking. 

Thank you to the writing talents of Blue Rodeo's Jim Cuddy and Greg Keelor and the soulful voice of Jim Cuddy to help me remember that there will come a day when the tears will dry up.

Bad Timing

Hey it's me, what a big surprise

Calling you up from a restaurant 

Around the bend

I just got in from way up North

I'm aching tired now

And I could use a friend

I might be a fool 

To think that you do

Want to see me again

It's been awhile since I talked to you

Nothing wrong

Just nothing ever goes as planned

Many times I thought I'd call

Didn't have your number in my hand

I know it's true 

You'd never do

The same thing to me

I never meant to make you cry

And though I know I shouldn't call

It just reminds us of the cost

Of everything we've lost

Bad timing that's all

Maybe soon there'll come a day 

When no more tears will fall

If we each forgive a little bit

And we both look back on it

As just bad timing that's all

We used to have so many plans

Something always seemed to turn out wrong

I never could catch up to you

Moving on and doing what you've done

I don't know why

The harder I try

The harder it comes

I never meant to make you cry 

And though I know I shouldn't call 

It just reminds us of the cost 

Of everything we've lost

Bad timing that's all

Maybe soon there'll come a day

When no more tears will fall

If we each forgive a little bit

And we both look back on it

Just bad timing that's all.

And maybe someday there will for even me come a day when tears won't fall. Or at least there may be someone there to help me catch them. If it's not to late. 

What is the cause of the pain. Take your pick...family, men, the system, work,  the mirror...all of it...none of it. It's never so easy as to say it's just one thing. It's too much for one person to handle. It's not one that is resolved before the next rears it's ugly head. It's David fighting an army of Goliaths' all at once with no chance of winning. For there is another battalion of Goliaths' around the bend...waiting. 

In the past little while, I have been paying a lot of attention to the human interest stories of people who have had struggles in their life and have risen above the challenges and come out ahead to achieve great things and make their trials and tribulations have some meaning. And I look upon myself and wonder what's different. Well, I didn't have to look to deep to come to the realization that I have been fighting demons that have been pushing me down while I struggled to stay afloat. The difference between them and me - they had support while I was struggled to maintain the scant amount of self-respect that I was left with. Strength comes from having supporters by your side encouraging you not from people whittling away at your spirit with words used to hurt not love. 

I've said it before, I'll say it again...just because I let you hurt me doesn't mean you should. 


Maybe one day things will change and people will accept some responsibility for the grief they inflict. Maybe they will look in the mirror and see what I see when I look at them. Maybe someday...

Is Anybody Out There? K'Naan feat. Nelly Furtado