.Tangled Up In You - Staind
It is possible that when the vocalist penned this song, he was indeed thinking of the love for his wife - but for me, the moment that I heard it I thought of a completely different kind of love. The love I feel for my mother, thinking of her, of the love I felt when I was around her, her laughter, her hugs, her smile, her wooden spoon, her tardiness - I feel warmth and comfort. A good mother is like a cocoon wrapped around the caterpillar, while it grows and matures into a fully independent and beautiful butterfly ready to fly on its own. That's what my mother feels like to me. My shield from the dangers of life allowing me to grow.
I had my mother in my life for 12 short and formative years before she was instantly and permanently ripped from my life - but not my heart. We are now pushing on 40 years that she has been gone, and the pain is still real. It never really does go away, you just learn to cope with the loss on a daily basis. But then those special days come around and you feel like your heart is being ripped out again and the tears flow. Tomorrow is Mothers' Day and I want to be with her to hug her, to show her how much she still means to me. I still feel tangled up in her love. She is my world, my light when I am afraid and my thoughts when I need to understand. Some of the maternal witticism that my mother left me with was meant for a child learning to find her place in the structure of a home and family surrounded by love and understanding. Some of it needed to be expanded to fit into the bittersweet trials and tribulations of coping with a world that won't protect you from harm.
Livia Sdraulig - My Mom!
Mom's Encyclopedia of Knowledge
1. If you have nothing nice to say, then don't say anything at all. These words flowed from her lips often and was directed to one of the four of us but meant for all. It is awesome advise for a child. It prevented harsh words from being spoken between family members and staving off quarrels. But it also prevented gossip that could be hurtful and bullying. We understood that name-calling was not acceptable and we were not to judge others. But somewhere in the process of growing up, we need to learn that we can use our words to protect ourselves even if the words are not appreciated by the listener.
2. Don't stand with your arms crossed in front of you. Be Proud of who you are - not ashamed. As a pre-teen, this was my favourite stance, especially when I was in a bathing suit or dance leotard. I really had nothing to be ashamed about, I was an average young girl. Unfortunately this advice never stuck for the long-term. I'm sure it was the very day that I returned from the hospital after the accident with scars still healing from the burns, my grandmother handed me a pair of gloves and said I should wear them always because people might not want to look at my scars. Pride left faster than a cheetah on the run - it wasn't just my hands that were scarred - should I don a paper bag over my face as well. Great timing with the popularity of the Unknown Comic - we would have made quite the pair. I was hidden and quite used to being made fun of.
3. Respect isn't just for your elders, all people deserve respect. The only thing I didn't learn was when people no longer people deserved respect - what then? I think that I often gave people the benefit of the doubt long after they abused my good nature. Respect is something that must go both ways, although it could be a struggle, I often over-looked flaws to find some tiny bit of good in people. Guess what - some people really don't have any redeeming qualities that fit into the values of your life. I choose to "write people off", once I have been dis-respected, I feel that people are no longer worth my time. In the case of co-workers or other people I can't eject from my life, I ignore them - speaking only when necessary but not sharing my life. It's a defense mechanism designed to protect myself from further harm. Once bitten, twice shy, twice bitten, you're dead to me.
Although our time together was short, I got things from my mother other than her maternal wisdom that no one could ever take away from me. It is the very core of who I am, my personality that sets me apart from others, my character that defines me. My mother fostered those qualities in me and loved me unconditionally. The demons that invaded my home and life after her death worked tirelessly to mold me into their ideal. From them I learned that I had to protect myself so I built a wall and hid my true self behind it. The real me has an indomitable spirit and stubbornness combined with fortitude and strength of character. I survived in spite of the obstacles I faced. When Alan Alda as "Hawkeye" on M*A*S*H* uttered the words "Don't let the bastards win", he was referring to death being the victor. When I repeat those same words in my thoughts I am thinking of the people who have tried to bring me down and make me something I am not. I don't like to lose, especially to people who think they are better than others and fake. I have a lot of cause to hate and be angry - my mother taught me that neither of those negative emotions were beneficial to a happy and fulfilling life as they can be consuming and make you a truly ugly person. There are times I am sad and frustrated but those feelings are directed within and prevent you from lashing out at others. Not a bad thing really, but if people cause you too much sadness and futility they must be expelled before they do permanent damage. Yes, the death penalty could come in quite handy here :)
I'll never know the kind of person I could have become with the witticism and knowledge my mother could have shared over a lifetime. So I am tangled in the web of memories that was my mothers love for her young daughter. In the photographs of my mind, my Mother is ageless - 34 years old forever. I often wonder what she would have been like as an older woman, as a grandmother. Would she be proud of me? Would we go get pedicures together and talk about the latest good song on the radio or book we've read? If I am half the woman and mother that she was I think I would be doing well. But it would sure be nice to have her here to re-affirm it.
Mother and Child Reunion - Paul Simon
To my children: Thank you for making my job as a mother so easy. The relationship I have with you is the one I dream I would have had with my own Mom. I pray it means as much to you as it does to me. We learned from each other and I hope you can look back on your childhood with fond memories knowing that you were loved for exactly who you were. I couldn't be more proud of the successful young adults that you have become. Sometimes it was hard but we did it and when I look at you I can feel my heart soar and know that "We WON!"
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