Today I Can Take A Breath Knowing That Tomorrow I Can Take Another

Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

I have heard this song many times in the years since it's release in 2003, but when I heard it today on my way to an important meeting it felt like I was being slapped across the face. It spoke to me and at the same time it felt like all my feelings and thoughts were being told through the voice of Sarah McLachlan. And then I came home and searched for the video on YouTube and I literally could have been knocked over with a feather. Too often in the past couple of years I have been terrified to have a soak in the bathtub because I have been in the position where I wanted to just let go. To sink into the peace and comfort of the water. Of course, the thought of what the poor paramedics would find days or weeks later was just more than I could bear. Too much for anyone else to see. Oh...my eyes! 

Sarah McLachlan may have written this as a love song. Some say it is about an affair - the pain of love that can never be, the abandonment of those that don't approve and the emptiness that comes from one mistake. Others say the subject is suicide. Let's face it, not many would intentional say that they wrote a song in the depths of despair for too many would latch on and make it an anthem. But as someone on the edge of the abyss, I can relate to this song on precisely that level. As can others, judging by comments posted on the video. One had stated that her friend was the strongest and weakest all at the same time before she committed suicide. I get that. I understand the hours that are spent every day planning one's own demise. Everyone of us suffers from pain but the darkness comes from despair and lack of hope. That is what people don't understand...that it can get so bad. It's not the size of the battle it's the will to fight it that makes the difference in the outcome - win or lose.

An interesting thing about Sarah's lyrics is the reference to wanting to change oneself to change the past. I personally spent a lot of time especially in the past 2 years, trying to change myself into someone that society would accept since they seemed to have not liked who I was. I had thought I was ok, a contributing member of society who tried to help where and who I could. I struggled with putting the wounded bird out of it's misery or letting nature take it's course. If it was in my power, I would have nursed it back to health instead of leaving it to survival of the fittest. I lived with the philosophy that no matter how bad things were, they could always be worse. And then time revealed all the wounds that wouldn't heal and the burden I carried on my back finally broke me. Therapists and mental health professionals even medical doctors began to tell me that everything I thought, all my perceptions, all the coping mechanisms I had put in place - were wrong. I was wrong. I was messed up and it was best that I accept that. Half the struggle through the mental health cycle is questioning your own self worth over what the professionals are telling you. I'm not talking about schizophrenia, bi-polar or manic-depressive illnesses that may all benefit from chemical restructuring and altered thought processes. I am talking about episodic specific depression. My biggest downfall was (and is) that I don't stand up for myself often enough. A shrinking wall-flower who would rather not be noticed.

Sarah McLachlan in her lyrics also nailed another commonality in my depressive journey. The loss of friends who don't or won't accept the changes that sinking so low bring about. From the simple "get over it" to the blatant ignoring. They really do turn their heads away as if embarrassed. But while some run in fear, there are others that stand strong where you are weak and are there for you. The true friends. Understanding is not a pre-requisite to being supportive. Don't laugh or snicker too loudly in disbelief, but I am not a talker. Yeah, I know, you'd never know it...but I am truly not the type of person to call and ask for help or even just reach out to people in times of need. Hell, I have I hard time reaching out to people just because I wanna hang out or something. It's something I want to work on. Shout out to one person who has been one of the closest to me in this journey - thank you for being there and being accepting even though I know it's been hard to see through all my tears of late. This is how one friend explained it to me - "I see your pain and tears but I remember your laughter and smile. I'm waiting for the day it will return and I want to be there for that."

Today I got the long awaited answer to my long and painful fight. Today I learned that I have been believed. Today, I can finally say that my struggles have not been in vain. Today I start the climb back up the mountain to where I can stand tall and proud of who I am again. Today I can take a breath knowing that tomorrow I can take another. Today, I am beginning to return to the person I was. But give me time, it won't happen overnight.

And now the lyrics to Sarah McLachlans insightful song. May it bring you as much comfort as it has me, for it is wonderful to know that you are not alone. 

FALLEN
Heaven bend to take my hand 

And lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer

To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best

But somewhere along the way 

I got caught up in all there was to offer

And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent

Love was raw and young

We believed that we could change ourselves

The past could be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals

In the lonely light of the morning

In the wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything 

that I've held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand 

Nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

To everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embarrassed

pretend that they don't see

But it's one missed step

One slip before you know it

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

Final thoughts: 

I have not changed. Who I think I am has. 

My appearance hasn't changed. My view in the mirror has.

My value hasn't changed. My perception of my worthiness has.