Dreamer's Dream - Tom Cochrane
It's funny, you never really know how much stress you are holding within until you have the opportunity to release it. That weight falling off your shoulders. It's a burden of the soul.
I have been tied up in knots for two weeks and although I knew the cause of my stress, I alone couldn't put an end to it. It took a doctors confirmation. And I got that today.
My last blog post (and several previous ones) about my abnormal breast mammogram lead me to a dark place where I was questioning my mortality and planning my demise. We never know when it is going to be our time for the most part but faced with the prospect it is normal if not fatalistic to consider a world without us in it.
It's not like every waking moment is spent in that dour mood for if time is indeed limited we must grasp every moment and cherish what we have been given.
I've lost people who were important in my life before I had a chance to know them and I was too young to remember anything about them (my dad), I lost people that were important in my life suddenly and without the opportunity to say a final good bye (my mom and 2 sisters). And I lost people that were important in my life given the chance to say good bye (my brother). From my perspective, I have to say that given that opportunity to say a few final words, makes the closure of that chapter a little easier. I got to say "I love you" I got to see the peace as he moved on. I didn't like it and it still makes me cry but the only unfinished business we had left was a lifetime of living and memories that never came - that is where the tears come from. The loneliness, the void left in my life. But they all left a void and they all claim the tears that stream down.
I am here today, now to say that at least for the time being my perceived "death sentence" has once again been lifted. I hope that this is the end of this episode but then again I thought that before too. So cautious optimism is how I would prefer to look at. Onward and upward is the best that I can do for now. As clouds are the reason for the rain and thus the cleansing of the world, so are the tears of joy welling up behind my eyes. Behind them is the smile that will signal renewed hope. The sun has come out again today.
As much as medical tests and invasive procedures brought panic and fear, I am grateful that they were done. It's easy to say that now, of course. But I would like to think that even if my results were different I would still be glad that I am part of a medical system that can provide support and further longevity with early intervention. I firmly believe that knowledge is power. Better the devil you know, because then you can decide on the weapons you may need in your arsenal to fight. It's hard to fight a ghost you can't see.
Terry Fox was a great Canadian who selflessly chose to run across Canada in 1980 to raise awareness and funds for Cancer Research. A world-wide phenomenon now but when he started support for his daily marathon run was minimal at best. But it was his efforts that kept someone I know alive who suffered the same cancer. Awareness and early intervention meant that instead of losing a leg and a life like Terry Fox, this young man is alive today and prospects are good. The scars of the disease are forever, but scars are road maps of life lived for some. They tell a story.
My story can be found at www.pinkpantherfan.ca until I can publish the whole thing.
For now, for today, this chapter is done. I am cancer-free! Cheers!
Link to previous post on this subject:
http://pinkpantherfancanada.blogspot.ca/2014/03/if-i-was-boat.html
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