Well, those of you in the know are aware of what milestone I hit exactly one month ago today. Those who don't keep guessing...a lady never tells :)
I have now had one month to get used to the idea and decide how I feel about it. I need more time! I think that would have to be the bottom line no matter which way I look at it. And I think my body might just be in agreement with me. No word of a lie, I got a pimple on my chin just the other day. I don't want to get old and wrinkly but seriously, teenage maladies at my age? On the positive side, checking it out in the mirror I don't feel (or look) my age with that blemish.
I sort of fall into this weird abyss. I have never looked my age and I am told I don't act my age either. We'll get to the act in a moment but for now, that reflection in the mirror. In my early 20's I used to get a real kick out of going to those age guessers at the carnivals because I would always win. They always pegged me for my 30's at least. At that age, who cares! During college I had a practical work experience at a day care, a wee child told me that my hands looked like her grandmothers. Out of the mouth of babes indeed, but I understood then why I was thought to be so old. I wasn't trying to look that way, the scars did it for me.
But then a strange thing started to happen, I started looking younger than my age and then much to my disbelief people started to say they didn't even notice the scars. Initially, I thought they were just being nice. I mean, I sure could see them; but it kept happening. Not everyone was "that" nice to lie to me. So maybe the scars did fade even more with time, maybe I hid the worst of it with my hairstyle. Either way, I went from looking 10 years older to looking 10 years younger than my chronological age. I can live with that.
Attitude and outlook can have a direct effect on our perceived age. Consider that crotchety old person you know - we all know of at least one. Now compare their physical appearance with someone else of the same age group but with a positive view on life. Who looks older? When I think of my grandmother, I think of someone who was 70 years old always...she was miserable, angry, bitter, suspicious. In reality she was probably in her 50's when she came into my life on a daily basis. My mom at 30 was cool. We could play games with her, laugh with her, joke with her. She liked our kind of music - the music grandparents dismissed as noise compared to their preferred Perry Como and Lawrence Welk. It probably didn't help that we had no idea how old Mom really was for anytime we asked she said "18". No question about it though, she was a parent and we didn't get away with anything. We knew right from wrong and where the line was that you didn't cross.
I was learning how to be an adult, a woman by Mom's example. But then she was gone and as a pre-teen, my example became a miserable old lady. The point is that I missed learning how that mid-life woman behaves. I missed the frame of reference for an entire generation. When I got to my early 30's and had outlived my mother, I made up the rules as I went along to suit me. How is a 40 year old supposed to act? I don't know. What is it like to be a caring, loving and doting grandmother? I don't know that either. But I am sure I will make it up when I get there!
So back to how do I feel about reaching this milestone? Well I have to honestly say that there were times I didn't think I would make it. Not of my choosing but the fact that my family doesn't exactly have a stellar track record in the longevity department. So, in some ways it was thrilling to achieve it - with a hint of melancholy that I was the lone one of 6 to do it. About a decade ago, I considered the possibility of this event and joked to my children that to memorialize the event they should replace the 2-seater sports car that I had to give up when I got pregnant. A few years later, thinking that a vehicle might be out of their financial realm, I suggested shipping me away - on a cruise. Little did I know at the time that the Mediterranean cruise I had in mind was more expensive than the vehicle. Matters not, one day I will have my 1982 Datsun 280ZX sitting in my driveway.
One month in and I am still driving practicality and the closest I have been to sea is the bathtub. Priorities change. I may have finally begun to act my age and become practical. Yikes! Ahh, but not completely, nothing puts a smile on my face like a new-found item with a certain cartoon character on it. But the goals I personally set out to achieve did change. I knew that both my children would have finished post-secondary studies and I hoped for success for them. I knew that with them embarking on careers of their own that the financial burden on me would ease and I looked forward to getting a grip on my debt and focusing on my own retirement years. I also made the decision that I wanted to once and for all quit smoking. Having more time to myself I wanted to put more time and effort into finding my special someone or just enjoying the hunt! :) All in all, I saw this time of my life as a positive chapter that was just a natural progression of life. A new and exciting chapter with some Me time.
Circumstances beyond my control and of no fault of my own have surfaced in the past year or so to completely change my life. I have been beaten down and then kicked until I was no longer able to get up. I am speaking metaphorically, no one laid a hand on me. Regardless, I still struggle every day to heal the scars that were laid upon me and to survive. Much like the children they purport to protect, I was bullied by the school board that I worked for. So, here I sit in more debt than I had when I was raising 2 children alone on one income, because I do not have any income at all. I work at trying to regain my former self. I want to be happy again.
On the positive side, my children did graduate from their respective post-secondary programs and immediately found themselves in rewarding full-time positions. I am now more than one year being smoke-free and loving it. The rest...I am still working on and it will take more time. All I can ask of myself is to try, and pray that it is enough.
If I have enough time, I want to believe that I will be vindicated. I want to believe that I will heal and become whole again. I want to believe that I will have control over my life again. I want to believe that I will be the smiling, happy person that I once was. I liked her!
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