For Rosanna - Chris DeBurgh
24 years ago today a child was born that would change my life forever. A child who gave me so much more than I could ever give her. She gave me hope, purpose, love, strength and a new outlook on life. She is the most lovable, hugable and compassionate person I have ever known. As an infant, when you held her close to your chest to rub her back or just cuddle, she would reach her tiny hand around to your shoulder and pat you! She is my daughter!
When I got pregnant I was ecstatic. I felt like I was on top of the world. But truth be told, it was also the time when I was the most annoyed at my Mom for "dying on me". I had so many questions I wanted to ask her about pregnancy and labour and raising children. I had never taken care of an infant, fed them, bathed them or diapered them. The notion was terrifying, you wonder if you will have the necessary instincts or will you fall flat on your face. I thought that if I had a girl it would easier - being one myself I felt like I had an upper hand on their needs. The odds of that happening though were not favourable. "Dad" was one of three boys who in all had 4 sons - not a girl in family. Deep down I felt like I was having a girl, but I was aware it could all be wishful thinking.
The pregnancy was uneventful and unremarkable. Until the third trimester when during Lamaze classes, other Moms where talking about their baby doing gymnastics in utero, kicking and hiccuping. My baby was still and quiet and I feared that she would be stillborn. I never expressed my fears to anyone else and the regular visits to the doctor didn't raise any eyebrows, but the fear persisted. As it turned out, it was her personality and character, for even after birth she was honestly the happiest, most content baby ever. As long as her life-sustaining needs were met, she wasn't a fussy baby at all.
In 1986 Chris DeBurgh had put out an album entitled Into The Light, the above song "For Rosanna" is from that release. Throughout my pregnancy I played that track and sang to my unborn child as if willing her to be a girl. I prepared the room and layette for a child of either sex. I had a boys name picked out and struggled with a girls name. I had always intended to immortalize my youngest sister Linda by bestowing my own daughter with her name but there was some displeasure with that notion on the fathers side of the family, so I had to re-think my choices. Out of the blue, Lydia came to me. I had never heard the name before and I thought it was just the most beautiful amalgamation of my sister Linda and my mother Livia. There was no better way to honour my family that was no longer with me.
Typical for a first born, she was late. I was visiting the doctor every other day and going for fetal monitoring daily as there were associated dangers with over-term pregnancies. At 41 weeks, the doctor casually mentioned that the baby's head was in my armpit. One of my worst fears seemed to be coming true. The baby was breach and I would be unable to have the natural, drug-free childbirth that I had been hoping for. My own doctor was as pregnant as I and with similar due dates, it was questionable whether she would actually be in attendance or physically able to position herself to deliver a baby. I toiled and fretted with this piece of news for what seemed like days before I had the nerve to finally speak up. I gave her a good chuckle as she explained that she meant that I was still carrying very high and that was the cause for concern. Unless things started happening on their own very soon a date for induction would have to be forthcoming.
I was shopping when I felt the first contractions, but I didn't know that is what it was. I'm sure the other Mom's running their errands suspected as much though. I was determined to finish what I had started. Things remained rather sporadic and manageable throughout the afternoon and into the evening. It wasn't until the wee hours of the morning that I began to feel pressure that came in waves. And still, I denied the notion of labour because my water hadn't broken but the following morning I agreed to go to the hospital to check things out. Yes, it was indeed the beginning of labour, but things were not progressing as quickly or efficiently as the professionals preferred. IV's were started to administer medication to speed things along, and just in case an emergency C-section had to be done. There was fetal monitor attached and more people than I could keep track of that came to check on the progress. I wanted to stand and be mobile but that was strictly forbidden although I am entirely sure why I suspect they had concern that they didn't share or I didn't comprehend in my state. My own doctor was there for morale support and she had called in a colleague to do the delivery and this was the time when I first heard about the real possibility of an emergency C-section because of a potential difficult delivery but they promised to try. The epidural was therefore no longer and option but a necessity. In the throes of labour, with a stomach that prohibits any reasonable range of motion, you are expected to curl into a ball so the epidural can be safely injected into the spinal fluid. And the anesthetist is questioning "Have you ever broken your back" while he jabs all over your back. Ha!
I guess in the end I could assume that I was grateful for that epidural because the delivery was indeed difficult - she didn't want to leave - and when she finally made her entrance at 2:58 pm, her colour and breathing had everyone in the room panicked and scurrying to ensure her survival. I'm told she was born not breathing at all. It felt like forever before I could finally see her and hold her in my shaking arms. Never wanting to let go but terrified that I would drop her. A full head of thick dark hair that had a mind of its' own, she was beautiful and perfect. In her Mamma's arms she settled and was happy. Despite her healthy weight of 8 pounds 13 ounces she looked thin and petite, until you unfolded her limbs and saw her full extended height of 23 inches. They said she would have been very tiny had she been born at term, it is that last weeks that put the weight on the babies.
Lydia was the most perfect baby for me to practice my Mommy skills on. She was smiling and cooing at me almost immediately, she slept through the night long before I expected her to, she was a happy baby. She was a happy preschooler, she was a happy child and teenager. We did have our occasional battle of wills and disagreements but they pale in comparison to the memories that brought joy and laughter. She is my proof that your daughter can indeed be your friend!
There is a wonderful saying that I have often reflected on when it comes to parenting "There are two special gifts that we should give our children. One is roots and the other is wings". Today at 24, Lydia demonstrates both those qualities on a regular basis. She has her life together and is clear on how she expects her life's journey to proceed. She followed her dream and graduated college with honours! and she has been working in her chosen field since that time. With the successful achievement of these adult stepping stones, there was some sorrow for me this past August as I watched her pack up her room and move out. I never told her how hard it was for me to watch her, let alone help her. Instead I made light because like it or not it was her time. My goal as a Mom was for her to be the best that she could be, to conquer the world on her own merits. I spent 23 years preparing her. I couldn't hold her back now. She had done well and she was happy about starting her life with her "other half" and he is worthy. With my approval and blessing they left together.
I am proud that my precious daughter has learned to fly and to soar on her own. I can only hope that she knows that she can come back to the nest anytime! I love you, my Rosanna <3
For Rosanna
This is for Rosanna, sweet girl of mine,
A song for the baby who changed my life,
I'll never forget when I saw you first,
I thought that my heart would burst,
With the love that I have;
As I watch you sleeping in here tonight,
And I hear your breathing so soft and light,
I cannot believe all the things that I feel,
When I hold you next to me
It's the love that I have;
Oh how my heart it is shining,
Oh how my heart it is shining,
Oh how this heart is shining through,
With the love that I have;
And as you are growing from baby to child,
I share the wonders that are in your eyes,
And I am amazed at the way you change,
All according to the plan,
And the love that I have'
And when you are older you will go away,
You'll see injustice and you'll see pain
But never forget that I'm always there,
Like a shadow by your side,
With the love that I have;
Oh my love, you have your mother's eyes,
And when I see you laugh, you have your mother's smile,
And you are mine all of my life,
You are mine, all of my love,
You are mine, blood of my blood,
You are mine;
Oh how my heart is shining,
Oh how my heart is shining,
Oh how this heart is shining through,
With the love that I have
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