You Make Me Smile - Uncle Kracker
I don't think that I can explain in words how light I am feeling in my heart today. For more than I year I have struggled with self-perception and trying to believe that I am worth occupying a space on this planet. Hate is not a term that I like to use and certainly not applying it to feelings about other people but it is pretty easy to say it about myself. I hated myself. The imagine in the mirror, my mind, my character and the person that people saw, the person that people told me I was. There was/is a lot of me and none of it was worth so much as a plug nickel. Many many times I didn't think I was going to make it to see the sunset on another dreary day. Dark and gloomy in my mind and thoughts.
But I was told I had to begin travelling the road back by "faking it til I make it" and "feeling the fear and doing it anyway". I started the fake out by getting the bathroom scale away from my line of vision and plastering a "halo" of Post-It notes on the bedroom mirror, each one saying one thing I used to like about myself. The second one was a little harder because I had to stop myself from taking that phrase to the dark place. I had to follow up that piece of sage wisdom with a bit of my own - a little bit of fear is a good thing. I needed to continue to be afraid of pain and of dying. Emotionally, psychologically I was a weeping useless puddle of muck. Intellectually I good still function and know the difference between what I should and shouldn't do - except for eating. lol! Somewhere in this mental confusion, I convinced myself that food was not important and to this day I still struggle with the concept of nutritional value and feeling hunger. Medically it has been deemed Food Disorder of Undetermined Nature. Meaning it isn't Bulimia or Anorexia so they don't know what to do with me - they don't know how to treat it.
But I learned how to fake it once I was adequately assured that it wouldn't lead me back into the classroom. I needed to feel comfortable that I would be safe. Volunteering came up and immediately appealed to me because for as long as I could remember I had always volunteered in some capacity and always felt positive about the experiences. But where to offer my services. I decided that it would be best to stay away from anything remotely similar to my work experience to ensure my sanity. I wanted something that would offer interaction with the public but not necessarily just the same old faces day in and day out. Nothing too high pressured or time sensitive with deadlines to meet, because I wasn't sure how or if I was ready to handle that. I hadn't yet determined the ideal place when I came across a notice in the local newspaper looking for volunteers at the hospital. The gift shop specifically. I made my calls and got my application in, let me tell you that volunteering at a hospital is more involved than anywhere else I have made myself available. Not only do they not want you to bring any additional ailments into the hospital, but they also need assurance that you aren't going to catch anything either. But alas, my interview went well and references checked out and I began my training on the very day of my milestone birthday at the end of November last year (2010).
During my interview, it was suggested to me that once I get my feet wet and feeling comfortable, that I should consider increased involvement perhaps on the Board of Volunteers or the Hospital Committee as my resume and skill set showed I may have an affinity for such tasks. Unsolicited compliments to help me regain the faith and trust in my own abilities. It felt good to hear that I could be so valued - and she barely knew me. Wow! There was a learning curve - while I had occasion to operate a cash register I hadn't been responsible for the float since my college days. The gift shop is run entirely my volunteers - in fact while the hospital has a paid staff of 350, there are nearly 200 volunteers running around making all aspects of the hospital run a little more smoothly. The other interesting thing about my colleagues is that most of them are retired and have been volunteering for a minimum of 10 years and a great number of them closer to 20 years of service put in. They made me feel comfortable immediately, it didn't matter what shift I was on - except for the one lady who wasn't too thrilled that I had taken every other Monday evening from her. Some people get set in their ways and used to a routine and I had to remember that the shifts I was slotted into were not necessarily of my own choosing. I didn't want to commit to too many days because my life was/is definitely in flux and I didn't think it would be fair to leave them in a lurch if circumstances changed. So I put myself on a substitute list and only assumed one weekly shift commitment. That seems to work very well, since it is the season for the snow birds to fly south.
Recently I received a call from the volunteer co-ordinator asking if I would be interested in training for the front desk. Answering phones, telling people where to go and then sending them there...I'm in! lol! Seriously, as fearful as I am about the general public, I do like to be around them and probably more significantly still in a helping role - I just made a connection between my former career and the fulfillment of my volunteer roles. Helping those who need help! In any case, that training is done and I'll be on my own at the desk this week. While I surprised a lot of the gift shop staff by sitting outside their door manning the phone, they were quick to let me and my trainer know that I was a quick study and more than capable. That was nice and felt genuine since they had no cause to lie.
During this time I was approached by the volunteer manager of the Gift Shop to attend a few gift shows with her because she felt I had a lot of good ideas and good offer valuable insight. I was blown away by her confidence in me and I found myself wondering what she had seen in me that led her to this conclusion. I wasn't about to pass up this wonderful opportunity but I was incredulous at the same time. We have been to one so far and I loved every moment of it. Her experience taught her that some of the stuff we saw could be found in better quality or cheaper prices from other suppliers but she didn't hesitate to show her appreciation for my opinion and ask for it when I didn't speak up beforehand. It felt good.
And now, if all that wasn't enough - a further testament to my value as a member of the team and my ability, with barely 2 months service under my belt, I have been chosen to assist in the training of a new volunteer.
There may be a dozen reasons that I am unaware of that they are choosing me to handle these responsibilities and challenges. But why they make me feel like a worthy human is irrelevant. We are all worthy! What I really wonder is whether I am of a split-personality type where I am an evil, incompetent when I set foot in the schools but a seemingly normal persona out in the general public. The New Age Dr. Jekyll and Ms Hyde? Well either I am a medical freak or someone is wrong. I am just me, one person, one personality, one character, not phony. I know that I am of good moral character and no one can take that away from me.
Interestingly, the other day I was speaking to a friend and they told me that it is unfortunate that I am not used to being treated with the unselfish kindness that I display toward others and that nobody has truly appreciated everything that I have to offer. Better for my self-esteem than 10 appointment with a psychiatrist or analyst! And when they said it, I cried. Thinking about it I can feel my eyes welling up with tears.
I am okay and and you are free to dislike me but that doesn't give you the right to hurt me. Thank you to the people who make me feel valuable and worthy. Peace peeps
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