Can't Help Wondering Why - Blue Rodeo
Do these guys know me or what? Never in my life have I had music speak to me like the words and music of Blue Rodeo. It's like they crawled into my head and pulled out my deepest thoughts and set them to music.
Sometimes you wake up screaming
All my life I must be dreaming
I’ve been wrong
And I’m not strong
But I’ll be the one that keeps rolling on
I was embroiled in thoughts and events of the last few days when I came across a post by a friend on facebook that hit me like a slap across the face. And then suddenly I just couldn't help but wondering why...
...why I find myself in the midst of downsizing my life because I may be forced out of the home that I had expected to be my next to final resting place?
...why I went from a productive and contributing member of society to a near burden on the social assistance system that I had previously avoided like the plague?
...why the life I had planned out for myself and worked tirelessly to ensure the success of has suddenly crumbled at my feet?
Regardless, back to this posting...it said "No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again" the quote was attributed to Buddha. Buddha is known as the one who uncovered many truths about the causes of human suffering and determined that the causes are essentially our own fault and therefore we can do something about the unsatisfactory nature of our own lives. I whole-heartedly and completely disagree. Is the young adult who is abused as a child and lives with the mental, emotional and physical scars of his parents love his own fault? Is the teenager at fault for a crippling work place accident because they felt intimidated to do a job they were not properly trained for? Is the middle-aged mom at fault because she contracted Multiple Sclerosis and now finds herself wheel-chair bound? Can the amputee forget the past when they face that prosthetic limb each morning? Can the person suffering from Schizophrenia have a chance at the normal life of their past again without the voices telling them different?
Is it my fault that I suffered multiple traumas during the first two decades of my life? Did I cause it to happen? Is it my fault that I was not able to prevent it? Is it my fault that I was not provided with adequate counselling at the time to deal with the trauma? I never thought it was, and I didn't waste a lot of time harbouring hatred or resentment for those that many have been responsible in some part for the events that led to the trauma. I guess I instinctively adopted the teachings of Buddha (even though at that young an age I had no knowledge of him). I knew I couldn't change what happened so I had two choices laid before me. I could either learn to live with my new reality or I could not live. It was this pre-teen wisdom that I imparted to other patients in the hospital at the request of the ward nurses. It seems they were pretty impressed with the healthy attitude I had adopted at the age of 12. That optimistic disposition served me well for most of the rest of my life. With brutal honesty I admit that I went through a really harsh "angry at the world" period during my teens and early 20's. But I grew up and over that. I can only vouch for the character that I see in the mirror but I think the well-adjustedness of my children should speak volumes to the person I became for there is a lot to be said about the effects of both nature and nurture when it comes to the rearing of children. When a child goes bad, the world is quick to blame the mother. On the other side of the coin, I will take all the credit for the children who rock this world with their awesomeness! Not perfect but kids most people would be proud to call them their own. I accept the compliments with humility.
So why did this quote by Buddha bother me so? Well, I had trauma in my past and I thought I could begin again. I thought I had! But it seems that according to certain businesses and people my past is the cause of my current trauma. Those businesses have really no business in my past and had I known it would be used against me, I would never have shared. The businesses I am talking about are WSIB (Worker's Safety Insurance Board) and the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board. According to them, the bullying and trauma I suffered at the hands of my employer (the school board) was not due to any action by other staff members but rather because of childhood trauma. So you really can't begin again if 30+ years after the fact the past is brought up to be used against you. My past made me who I am. Just like your past made you who you are. My past made me vulnerable and weak and above all made me a target. Bullies bully the weak.
It is easy to steal money from the blind beggar on the street knowing that he can't see you.
It is easy to call the deaf child rude names knowing that he can't hear you.
It is easy to lie about the weak knowing they won't stand up for themselves.
You can't begin again when your past is thrown back in your face like it's your fault and you deserved it. You can't begin again if every step you take forward, there is someone in front of you pushing you back. You can't begin again if people won't give you credit for the accomplishments you have made and use your coping strategies as weapons against you.
By admitting that the events that occurred during my employment with the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board was entirely and completely the fault of the various staff and board members, the Board would be admitting to a serious violation of Bill 168 which is designed to protect workers from workplace violence and harassment. It is better in their viewpoint to lie in the face of God and under the cover of Catholicity and blame my childhood trauma. But understand that I was never harassed because I was not performing my job satisfactorily - no I was belittled and chastised because I was afraid to look people in the eye when all I wanted to do was curl up in a ball to hide myself and cry. I was reprimanded for not saying Good Morning in the hall to someone who was deemed my superior. My character was assassinated not my work performance. When I tried to stand up for myself I was told I had anger issues and was sent to counselling. The counselors invariably concurred in the belief that I was not an angry person but instead very well adjusted and far from the misfit the Board portrayed me as despite the trauma.
Were it not for the physical scars that I must carry with me, no one would know that I experienced any trauma at all. The scarring was not my choice or my fault. If you want to lay blame for that one...let's look at my now deceased brother who took too long to pull me from the car and save my life. Or maybe we can lay the blame on the doctors and hospital staff who performed surgery and other procedures to save my life?
I can look in the mirror each and every day and know that I am okay and not at fault. My past is what it is. I never used it to my benefit to get anything. Not a government handout or a job or as a crutch or for sympathy. No one ever had a fund-raiser for me and I never asked for anyone's pity or sorrow. I never used it and I certainly never gave anyone else permission to use it against me.
Shame on you for doing it anyway!
OH DEAR INDEED!
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