That I Would Be Good by Alanis Morissette
You can't teach an old dog new tricks.
A leopard can't change his spots.
Past performance is usually a pretty good indicator of future behaviour.
Have you ever stewed over something you wish you had said or done? It has been said that hindsight has 20/20 vision, you can't see the forest for the trees and sometime the sunshine is hidden by the clouds. All sorts of proverbial catch phrases to illustrate the position that I am in right now and what I find most interesting is the realization that this is a pattern in my character. Consider the fact that if I had the kahunas (balls) to stand up to the person at work who didn't like my voice, I might have put them in their place. I should have stood up to the supervisor who, before we began our working relationship when she got promoted that she "never liked me from the first time she met me." How much would things have been different if I had stood up for myself. The bullies would have moved on to find someone weaker. But no, I wouldn't wish that abuse on anyone. I survived, but just barely. Someone less stubborn may not have.
The point of this story, is that someone has recently re-entered my life and although it was brief, I realize that my relationship with him is toxic. He is a dominant who makes me feel insignificant. He is the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board in sheeps clothing. Nothing I did was right, none of my ideas or opinions had any merit and every decision I made today and in the past was the wrong one. He is not my lover or even my boyfriend but was annoyed when I didn't want him to touch me in what I felt was an intimate way. Maybe for someone else it wouldn't be deemed intimate, but it is the way I felt - dammit! Even now thinking about it I get tears in my eyes. Not because it happened but because I let him belittle me and suggest that I don't know what it feels like to have a man love me and touch me. A man who claims to respect a woman does not go around calling them nasty names. And a man who wants to touch me respects me first. We've all been hurt by the opposite sex, by family members - but at some point we need to let it go. I won't forget the past because I would prefer not to repeat it, but a lifetime of anger over something that occurred in the past and out of your control cannot be healthy. You can release the anger to the wind and still not forgive or forget. You don't ever have to see that person again if you don't want to but please...let the anger go. It is eating you up and clouding your view on society and the people left in your life.
We all make mistakes, but we are not necessarily evil. My ex was no good for me (and he was a despicable father to my children) but he may be perfectly matched for someone else - and they can keep him lol! Point is, just because someone did wrong by you in your eyes, maybe it wasn't an intentional slight. And what if it really was intentional behaviour meant to hurt you. Do you really think that they give a shit that you are stewing about it decades later? They probably don't even know how much anger you hold toward them. Ask yourself if their life is impacted by your venomous words - when they are not in the vicinity to hear them. This is another character trait I see in myself, that opened the door for the abusers at DPCDSB to continually berate me. The belief that there is good in everyone and there is not always evil intent. Except I let the anger go. I will never forgive, or forget but I will also not give them the power to control my life anymore. I write people off who I deem not worthy to be a part of my life. They become nothing.
My daughter may get annoyed at me for sharing this, but truth is that most girls go through phases like the one I am going to share. I did it myself! In a nutshell for whatever the reason, we seem to go through a phase where we chose the absolutely wrong person to have a relationship with. Spreading our wings, a little rebellion, the reason doesn't matter. From the perspective of a parent, I think that you have to express your displeasure and then let the child go forth and learn for themselves. And be there to pick them up and comfort them if they are hurt (and no I am not talking about a physically or other type of abusive relationship - for there is no question that immediate intervention is required in those circumstances). But you have to understand why you believe that the relationship is wrong for your child in order to have a valid opinion. Just because you don't think that they are good enough for your baby is not valid. My grandmother thought that way about my father and she didn't know any thing about him but his line of work. She felt my mother should marry a doctor - but that's another story! With my daughter, the boy made some mistakes that although they didn't thrill me I could accept that mistakes happen. What I didn't like was his disrespect for the mother of his girlfriend. As a potential "in-law" you don't have to like me but you do have to respect me. I said my peace and then trusting that I raised her right, I let her go to make her own decisions. It wasn't easy and it was a tough time for our relationship but it worked out in the end. A relationship built on love, trust and mutual respect will weather all storms. Some parents need to recognize that they may be alienating their child and forcing them to be deceitful in there personal relationships because the criticism about their partner is not something they want to hear. As a parent, you could be missing the best years of your childs' life. I hope that you have time to open your eyes and your heart before it is too late.
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