Too Shy - Kajagoogoo
The 80's, that was not a good time to be shy! Or an introvert! The big and long hair for both genders, the outrageous clothes (from puffy shirts, over-sized shoulder pads, to mini skirts and tight pants), the make up with bright blue shadow all over the eye, it all screamed...LOOK AT ME! But for those of us who would rather blend in, it was hard. Myself, I wanted to be noticed by the right people (insert boys for convenience :) because I felt in a strange way that could take me away from the sadness and validate me. For everyone going "yeah, yeah whatever" let me explain what I mean. There is a very big difference between being loved by family and friends and the love of a potential life partner. Although it doesn't always happen, family is supposed to love you - it's almost as innate as a mothering instinct. If friends didn't love you on the friendship level, well, they wouldn't be your friends. But a life partner chooses you over everyone else, with all you assets and faults - that is validation in ones own self.
I have never really considered the concept of introversion and extroversion and how profoundly they could affect your life until I started to see the evidence in my own life. I always believed myself to be a friendly person who just had some fears that had to be overcome. Well, not all of them - some had no impact on my life, like sitting in a restaurant and eating alone. There are a lot of people who are uncomfortable with this notion. You won't starve in this day and age of the drive through restaurant, take-out and delivery. Then there are things I don't like and am uncomfortable with but do it anyway because I have to. For example I am not a fan of crowds, so you probably won't see me in the line-up to grab the latest and greatest must have gadget. But I will be at the boxing day sale if I am going to save a considerable amount of money on something I really need. As much as I may want to go to a party, I am probably not going to go alone or meet someone there unless they meet me outside. I'm a chicken!
But that's just how I thought I was, I didn't see it as a bad thing. People who have taken the time to get to know me will describe me as an extrovert and it is true that once you get to know me, I do open up. One good friend enjoys telling me how she had quite a different impression when she first met me and I for one am so glad that she took the time to take a chance on me. She still gives me courage and hope for she eats in restaurants alone! What most people don't know is that what is perceived as bitchiness or anger is in actuality fear. I have a fear of being judged and to that end I only show my true self to those I feel won't hurt me when I let them in. That comes from being hurt, and in my defense I got pretty good at writing people off and wiping them from my mind and thoughts if I deemed them unworthy. I also thought that was a good thing, but alas another symptom of introversion. Difficulty in confronting people on the spur of the moment - this would also include defending oneself and accusations.
And that is just one of the serious downfalls to being an introvert. Self-protection from detractors and people who don't get you. Also you don't get noticed, even when you may want the attention. You are perceived as weak and are more likely to be the victim of bullying. You may be taken advantage of by family, friends, co-workers and bosses due to your pleasing nature. In general, people are by culture taught to be wary of introverts who they see as different from themselves. Between you and me, if someone is wrong in their approach to life and behaviour it has to be you extroverts, who simply don't understand the modus operandi of an introvert and so you judge them and jump to conclusions based on all you know - the habits of an extrovert.
In our society the extrovert is glorified. They are the go-getters, they will be more successful in public positions because they like being with people. They are believed to be friendlier, nicer, kinder. Because of their presence in the public eye, they will be the ones we look up to, admire and idolize. They are more likely to get what they want just because they aren't afraid to ask for that promotion, last piece of steak, the date with whoever they want or anything else. Although on the downside, if the extrovert is ever forced to be alone for an extended time, they have a lot of difficulty for they get their seemingly boundless energy from other people. It is likely the extroverts that you see wandering the malls at the weirdest hours just looking for people to be near. Is the internet chat and facebook talking to a wall, a good thing or bad thing for the extrovert? You are talking with people but can't hear voices. If you are an extrovert...let me know your thoughts.
Take a Chance on Me - ABBA
You can take your own quiz to find out where you fall on the scale of Introversion/Extroversion by going to Psychology Today Quiz. Wherever you find yourself on the spectrum the only thing I can assure you of is that none of us wants to be alone. Take a chance on the shy quiet one - it may be the best decision you have ever made.
For the record, if at first I seem rude or elitist, believe me I am neither! I actually fall into a different category for I am not a true introvert. Rather than falling into the 90th percentile of Introversion, I may actually be a little closer to the border line of intro-extro. While it is true that I am happy spending time with me - I am rather interesting :) I also equally enjoy the company of people - once I lose the fear of them individually. Ironically, I had the worst job ever for me. I worked in the school board where every September and new batch of kids would come in. As excited as I was to see old colleagues again and share stories of summer adventures, I dreaded meeting all the new people. Although it was easier to handle because I had the upper hand - I knew I was good at my job, it wasn't a new situation for me and I had allies. Most of my introversion comes from the fear of people themselves and that isn't typical for an introvert. I became afraid of people through circumstances in my life and beliefs that were instilled in a fragile mind and soul grappling with my place in the world. There wasn't a place for me where I would be accepted. Although my personal fortitude and stubbornness blew that one out of the water, the fear remained. What I would classify as the careers I would excel at all are reflective of positions more suited to the extrovert. I am such a paradox! My talents and abilities in the workplace all involve working with people. Although previously trained to work with the members of society deemed different, I volunteer at an information desk and would love to have a reception type position. Walking into a party is a lot different than sitting at the door letting you in. You are coming to me because you need my help. I love helping people - in anyway I can. And if I can make your day a little brighter and you are smiling after our encounter, to me it has been a success.
For all the people who want to remind me about the conversations I have had many conversations with strangers who are stuck in traffic grid lock with me. It is infinitely easier to allow yourself to be vulnerable from the safety and security of a 2 ton machine with working door locks, functioning windows and the ability to whisk you away and knowing that you will never see that person again. But the extrovert in you knows that he will be talking about you later when he explains that he was stuck in traffic. And smiling...I hope!
I just have one other question, if it is so easy for introverts to accept extroverts as they are without trying to change them, then why can't the introverts be accepted without judgement as well? I'm just sayin'
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