Paradise Forever...Lost!

Paradise - Coldplay

"When she was a little girl, she expected the world but it flew away from her reach" 

This song doesn't have a lot of lyrics but the ones that are there touch my soul to the very core. This is a tough subject for me. I have always said that I have talked about it so much that I fear I have begun to sound callous and unfeeling about it. Like Sgt. Joe Friday from the old cop show Dragnet was whispering into my subconscious "The facts. Just the facts, ma'am." But, the truth is that in my solitude and private moments it is still painful and emotional 38 years later. While the rest of the world heralds the first day of spring as the reawakening of the world after a cold winters sleep, I recall the day that my world died. I was living in a paradise and in the blink of an eye it was ripped away and I was standing alone on an island. Forever different and forever changed. 

38 years to heal and get over it. Life goes on, and there are times of normalcy and moving on, there are times when you can honestly say that you have learned to live with it. Times when the tears flow less frequently and you remember some of the happier times. But those times that are hard for you - average girl and average boy - those are the times when you turn to your mother or father, brother or sister for support and comfort. Those are the same times that you might find me leaning against a wall holding myself. Ah yes, the wall rears it's ugly head again. The wall, that I hid behind. The wall, that protects me. The wall, that many are afraid to scramble over. The wall, that gets higher as the pain intensifies. But stop for a moment and consider that my wall has taken the place of the people in my life that were supposed to be there to protect me but left. Left me alone and vulnerable. 

Sometimes when children have bad things happen to them, they repress the memories and live as though the trauma was just a dream. But I couldn't do that. Every time I looked in the mirror, I was reminded that I was different than you. It was no longer the carefree, happy girl I saw, it was a monster who was frightened and who frightened others that was looking back at me. I was in my mothers' house, with my mothers' decor and it was my mothers' presence that I felt. But it was an old lady who didn't like me very much that had taken her place. And when I retreated to the sanctity of my bedroom, my sisters empty bed was still there and she would never come back again to lay on it in the darkness of the night as we whispered our dreams to each other. My confidants and best friends were gone. I retreated further into myself where I felt safe and where the memories were happy. The house, to the ones looking in, looked the same but everything had changed. It wasn't a happy place filled with love. The love died and it would be years before I would see a glimmer of love from that house again. 

38 years isn't enough time to get over that depth of trauma. It was life-changing and just by continuing to live doesn't mean it can ever be forgotten nor should it be really. In times of uncertainty, joy, fear, elation, trepidation, melancholy, dread, excitement - my mother and sisters would never again be there for me to turn to. All I saw was my wall. I covered that wall with graffiti that were the thoughts and words of my life that I wished I could have shared. Why would I want to take it down? Who knows, maybe there were angels sitting on top of that wall watching over me? I love that visual that comes to my mind with that thought! Like it or not that wall is my reality until someone is strong enough to stand beside me and help me see the other side - real love! 

Livia, Linda and Sandra Sdraulig

Even if you have suffered loss, you will never comprehend my sense of loss. Circumstances are different and cannot be changed. The loss of my father at the age of two was not as devastating for me simply because there was still the support of family to rely on. It was hard to miss someone I didn't know. But go back to my wall and look at the make up of it. Upon the foundation of the death of my father there is one row of bricks for the loss of my mother, another row of bricks for my older sister, another row for the loss of my younger sister, another row for the loss of my innocence, another row for the loss of who I thought I was for my vision of self died as well, another row for the anxiety and trauma of a life of love lost, add another because now I was told on a regular basis that I was not good enough to even be. And with every crushing blow of hurt in my life where the pain was to much to handle alone, I added another row. But through it all, I still emerged (with time) to believe in myself and feel worthy and happy. 

I am not judging your life experiences, I am asking you not to judge me by mine. The difficulties in my life today most certainly wouldn't be if I had not suffered loss in my childhood. But not for the reasons that are being put forth! The truth is, were it not for the events of March 21, 1974 my family would be by my side to help me kick your ass! But I don't want to talk about them - for they aren't worth it - but they work for the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board. And they personify evil.