Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Scanning the Oceans with a Sentimental Eye

Sentimental Lady - Bob Welch

If you are in a relationship, God bless you! I hope that you work at it to keep it fulfilling for both you and your partner. But just to put my two cents worth in, if the relationship you are in is not bringing out the very best in you all the time, you need to put some serious thought into changing your circumstances or getting your relationship back on track. There is a good chance your partner is not very happy either. I figure if you are still getting the warm-fuzzy feelings when you think about seeing your partner after novelty has warn off, you are doing well - even if you have been together for 20 years or more. Mutual and self-respect will keep the fires burning at home. 


I am not currently in a committed relationship so the notion of relationships is on my mind a lot. Like hunger but not having anything to eat lol! There are different stages in the needs of a relationship. I do not intend to demean or devalue the importance of attachments other than a heterosexual coexistence, but that is what I am personally familiar with and that expertise will be the focus of my thoughts. Additionally, being female I am best suited to an awareness from that perspective. 


In the teenage years, there is an emerging sexuality paired with raging hormones. We have a need to be with someone and seek that someone out but not necessarily for a relationship that we will hold for the rest of our years. Often just having someone to ease us into the sexual dance and accompany us to the latest and greatest place to be seen! Besides being a sort of right of passage, it is a coveted status symbol to have someone to count on to be an escort at all the major school events. Prom, grad and all the formals. Not scientific research - just personal observation but some of the most successful relationships I know are the ones that began at a very young age (high school) and they grew up together. With dedication and love they grew stronger as a unit instead of growing apart. These are also the ones, that should the marriage fail after many years or upon the death of a spouse, they have a much harder time coping with their new found solitude. They often left their parents home to set up housekeeping with their partner - not having significant time to be on their own.


The desire for a relationship post-secondary schooling depends on the nature of the chosen career. Especially in this day and age, there is a large amount of debt to deal with, so often the career must take precedence over the personal life. A relationship may consume valuable time needed to climb the corporate ladder, one may not be able to dedicate the time to cultivate a long-term relationship. Partners may be more friends with mutual benefits of companionship and opportunity without the need for commitment. They can be called to attend the family wedding or just a weekend social gathering but nothing more is expected. The proverbial friends with benefits.


In the 30's, especially for a woman is a critical time in the hunt for the perfect mate. What has been on the back burner for everyone but the wanna-be grandparents asking too many questions, suddenly becomes a pressing issue. The question of motherhood. Will it happen? And in this progressive society, what form will it take? Not to downplay the important role of a daddy in a child's life, but it can be done with only their initial output. And society is much more accepting of the non-traditional roads to motherhood. Knowing how hard it is to raise children alone, I would suggest that having a partner would certainly make things easier (both financially and emotionally). What surprises me more is that recently I am hearing more and more about the women who are not embarking on their journey to motherhood until their mid to late 30's. As a young dreamer, I wanted to have 4 kids by the time I was 25. Not in a relationship in time, I ended up with 2 before I was 29 and I thought that was old. I worry about the health and viability of the eggs and sperm and I hope that procreating so late in life is not responsible for the increase in childhood ailments that we are seeing. 


You start to find a lot of singles in their 40's who with mid-life are embarking on new relationships. Traditionally, at middle age, the kids are grown to a being more self-sufficient and the parents have grown apart when they put the kids before their own relationship. Of course there are some in this age group who haven't had a kick at the parental can and are still fixated on this option. Looking for a relationship at this age is tough because you are often not considering just the suitability to yourself but also the compatibility with your ready made families and how they might blend. I knew many women at this age who were so fearful of being alone that they had a succession of "Uncle John's" moving in and out of their homes. 


Beyond the 40's comes the question of whether a traditional marriage is a desirable option for some. Particularly, if on has been in and out of several serious long term relationships that may not have ended well. People can get a little gun shy! Like Ross on Friends who was worried about the perception of him and his "3 Divorces". But relationships don't come with guarantees, sometimes you just have to dive in and take a chance. I don't know myself if I want to be married again or not? It will depend on the person who comes into my life, how much I want to share with that person.


I suppose the bottom line when looking for someone to forge a relationship with, what you ultimately hope for is someone at the same stage in life as you. In addition to similar likes and dislikes. With my kids grown and successful adults outside of the home, my personal interest does not lie in "becoming a mother" to someone else's young children. As they say - "been there done that". With the blending of families and many people having navigated several relationships that may have produced off-spring the children in one family may span in age from toddler to young adult. For each individual person, it is a question of determining what you consider to be preferential qualities in a mate.


So where do you find them - the perfect Mr Right or Ms Right? That's where high school was a great option, lots of choices to look over. Post-secondary can be a little more difficult depending on your area of study. Dependent on the nature of courses, you may find yourself in a traditionally gender-biased career choice. Not a lot of males in the nursing program and not a lot of females in the mechanics program, for example. Ah, but with youth comes the freedom and acceptance of the group date attending the meat market at the local watering hole. As you get older, it is harder to find the single girls willing to go on display at the local pub with you in search of the right one. 


But all is not lost, for with the advent of the internet came the explosion of the internet dating sites. And we all sound great on paper, especially when we are the authors! Like a resume, we aren't going to divulge the less than successful job where they fired our butt! How many of us have the experience in human resources to be able to weed through all these profiles and find the ones that could really be a right fit? Looking at my share of them, all I can say is the beaches must be awfully crowded with all these people taking long walks! Quite frankly it is very difficult to describe yourself so that you will stand out from the crowd without sounding full of yourself. In a sense, we are all the same, just people on a mission of looking for someone to love us, to share our life.


One of the very popular sites is Plenty of Fish. It's popularity comes in part from the fact that it is free. According to some of the male users of the site, the other appeal for them is that it is often referred as Plenty of f-ing. Many who are often on there looking for physical contact under the guise of a relationship. Great for the unsatisfied married people who want a liaison without a financial trail that can be followed. At most, it might cost you a cup of coffee to meet someone and if you time it right and she gets there first, not even that! It's cheaper than going to a bar and spending all night liquoring up someone in the hopes you might hook up. Ah yes it simplifies it and cheapens it, but it is a reality in the quest for a real relationship. It is also a quagmire that I waded through with hope and a lot of disappointment. Knowing the vein of thought, perhaps more disappointment on their part for their lack of success. I once met someone who wanted to go for a ride down the road because he said he had never been in that direction. We could take our coffees, drive and talk. Yeah right! I had visions of young women strewn at the side of the road, discarded like so much trash. They all seem nice in the black and white typewritten word, and in the open and very public coffee shop. Who knows what they are really like when you get down the road alone with them?


So, are paid dating sites any better? I don't know, I only know 2 people who went this route. One maintains a successful relationship to this date after 5 years or so. One told me about receiving up to 10 potential matches a day in his mail box. E-Harmony had a very extensive questionnaire that had to be filled out to make sure only the most compatible of mates were forwarded for your perusal. Without becoming a paying member, only the most limited of information could be viewed and no pictures. But the sheer numbers were encouraging so he paid the money for 3 months, thinking if he couldn't find someone with this current statistics in that time, his luck wouldn't be any better with a 6 month subscription. The credit card had barely been validated and the flood of potential life mates stopped like a car hitting a brick wall. Suddenly, he was told that the parameters that he had chosen were too restrictive, he expanded the age range, distance, ethnicity, religious affiliation. He opened himself up in every category except gender - he just wasn't ready for that. Less than two weeks in, the matches dried up like a puddle on the hot tarmac and he was told when he complained that they didn't have anyone else that was a match to him. What a blow to his ego - after a myriad of personality tests, he matches with nobody! Fortunately with the support of his friends, he survived this devastating news and still believes there is hope for him without the help of e-Harmony. There are thousands upon thousands of on line profiles and it takes a substantial time commitment to wade through the weeds before getting to a garden.  


So when you speak incredulously of the person who is "still" single like there is something wrong with them, keep these words I have shared in mind. It isn't easy out there. When society decided to accept the proliferation of divorce as commonplace, no one considered how all the newly single would heal and move on. Worse than a death, there is no grieving procedure to deal with the death of the love and anger of dreams smashed for either the former spouses or the offspring. If you are in a relationship you don't know that the rules have changed a lot and the expectations are quite different now. The bar has been raised and what hasn't changed is probably not known by the same name as it once was. Like a fish being thrown back in the murky water, navigation to the calm waters where you can feel at peace while you scan the depths of the ocean is the biggest but not the only challenge to be faced. Don't let anyone you feel unworthy nibble and never settle. You alone can decide if you want a salmon, angelfish or shark - it's a personal choice. Know what you are after and stay focused. It has been said that we all have baggage and it is important to find someone who is willing to help us carry it or unpack if we are in it for the long haul. 


I'm just a sentimental old fool who still believes in the notion of love, laughter and a life shared with a partner and a life/soul mate. 

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