It's been three days of very hot and humid weather here and I chose these day to cut down trees. Well, not so much trees as over-grown hedges...but they were taller than the house and there were 17 of them. I bought an electric chainsaw and I felled them on my own, I had never used a chainsaw before and was pretty proud of myself that all but one landed where I wanted. That's not too shabby :) In any case, the other two days have been spent getting rid of the debris. I put in 12+ hour days but I did have some help in the evenings and that was very much appreciated (thanks to LS and NS). But believe it or not that is not why I am so tired.
I am emotionally exhausted and drained and don't feel like I can take anymore. You know those people who go through life and you would swear everything is handed to them on a silver platter and they want for nothing and never seem to have to struggle? I'm not one of them :( I'm just not sure how much more I can be expected to take or for that matter how much more I can take before I snap...again. It's work. :(
I can't even think of work anymore without my stomach tying up and knots and tears putting pressure on my eyes while I struggle to stop the flooding. I used to love my job and damn it I was good at it. Up until December 2010 and for 9 1/2 years I was an Educational Resource Worker (ERW) for the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board. For 8 1/2 years on and off I put up with, accepted and tolerated abuse and bullying from all higher levels of board employees. In the hierarchy of the corporate ladder, ERW's are on the bottom. But as per usual with low level employees, the house of cards would come tumbling down without our support. Not many people can wake up in the morning and be glad to be going to work because they love their job and the kids they work with. But I could and I did. I put up with all the lies, all the bullshit because i cared so much for those kids. The underdogs of society and the ones who needed someone in their corner, someone to care and help and encourage them. Especially when I saw them mistreated by the very ones who were supposed to have their best interest at heart. Not always teachers but administration would routinely use students for their own gains and power trips. I can name names and dates, I have it all documented. The board knows it and they aren't happy with me. Just another excuse to persecute and get rid of me. And they did that.
The beginning of the end came in December of last year when I learned that I was being transferred from a school and kids I loved to an elementary school where I had my first stress-related leave due to bullying. Father CW Sullivan. My only condition on return to work was that I not return there. So the board in their infinite wisdom (Maybe it was intentional) sent me back there.
For me, there was no question - I couldn't face going back there. I did my research and I learned that the principal was no longer there but the building is a place of pain for me. A torture chamber comes to mind, :( I had probably the worst Christmas of my life this past year - and I've had cause to have a lot of rotten ones. I didn't put up a tree, not one decoration. I hated the thought of shopping and always returned depressed. I just couldn't care less. New Years Eve was no better. I got drunk and cried alone. I didn't want to be with people. I didn't understand then but the process was beginning....my downfall.
January is a blur. I didn't go to work and did spend some time looking for other jobs...the only thing that was clear at the time was that I couldn't go back and wait for the next bomb to drop the next pack of lies to be hurled my way, the next round of personal attacks on my character. I quit doing some significant things that I didn't recognize at the time, like cleaning my house, my house plants all died, I never picked up a book or magazine to read, my Suduko book lay unopened. The one thing that I began to do in earnest and that consumed most of my waking moments was diet and exercise. I worked out at home intently for 2-3 hours a day. I did WiiFit and the treadmill. I was on the scale 3-4 times a day. I lost not even an ounce. I looked at my diet and eliminated all carbs figuring that was the culprit. When that too failed I wrote down everyting I ate for a one week period and brought it to the doctor. All I heard him say was "calories in = calories out". So I went home and put a calorie count to my list. It averaged out to 700 a day. So, I upped the intensity of my workouts and dropped down to 300 calories a day. No, I wasn't hungry...you can eat a lot of salad and vegetables and not consume many calories. Of course, that is all I ate with the exception of my morning 35 calorie yogurt. The only thing that happened was that my muscles screamed at me and made moving difficult and I developed tennis elbow. Not one pound left my body. By this time I was lethargic, had quit looking for another job, I found the simplist of tasks over-whelming and I cried constantly. I would sit for hours and do nothing but cry, day after day. No-one knew the pain I was feeling. I wanted to quit it all, check out. When I started thinking of how...I knew I needed help. A week later I had an appointment with a therapist and a nutritionist.
Now 6 months later, I can see that something else was going on. I was trying to change me because the way I was...no-one liked me. Especially the one place that I needed it the most...work. See, if I believed that I was "okay" but they didn't agree...maybe it was me and not them and I couldn't live with that. Everything I believed about mself would be wrong. And today...word came down from the pipes that it is me and I don't know whhat to do about that but it hurts...A LOT! :(
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