Life in the pantry

Walk Away - Barlow

That is one deep song, it is a real shame that more people don't know it. I will agree that maybe I can relate to it more than your average person. Maybe there is a little Christine and Malcom in someone we know. 

It has been officially diagnosed as Eating Disorder - undefined. I have developed an unhealthy relationship with food but lately something very bizarre has been happening. First of all, a little about this relationship that cannot be defined. The thing is that professionals classify food disorders into one of two major categories - anorexia or bulimia. I have no symptoms or characteristics of either one of those. Throughout my life it has been my habit to file unpleasantness into a folder in the deep recesses of my mind where I can easily disregard it and forget it. I have done that with the feeling of hunger and that is the disorder - essentially I choose not to be hungry or eat. 

Around this time last year after a month of daily one hour plus sessions of exercise and watching what I ate, I lost a total of 0 (zero) pounds. I cut out all carbs and most fruits from my diet. No change. I increased the intensity of the work out. Nothing. I recorded everything that went into my mouth and after two weeks brought it to the doctor - he said calories in equals calories out. I went home and calculated the average calories of those two weeks. It was 700 - so I cut it in half. Nothing. Well, no weight loss but I did begin suffering from severe muscle and back pain from working out but not feeding the muscles. It seems that you can eat satisfying meals while not consuming a significant number of calories if you eliminate carbs and most protein. I was promptly shipped off to visit a nutritionist who helped me to learn to mechanically eat, stop counting every calorie and stop stepping on the scale. I was also threatened with hospitalization unless I changed my ways. I became more away of my bodies reaction to food including the uncomfortable bloating I feel when I consume refined carbs like white bread and pasta. I could probably count on one hand how many times I have felt hunger in the past year and I know that I abhor the feeling of fullness. All I can tell you today is that I am nowhere near the 1500-1800 calories a day that it has been said that the average woman should eat. To lose weight you should consume 300-500 calories less per day. Suffice to say, I would probably be back where I was a year ago if I did that. 

The funny thing is that I know what a balanced diet consists of. I know what I should and shouldn't eat. I am not a fan of fried foods, fast foods, or restaurant fare in general. I don't enjoy processed food or carbs and I do enjoy all types of vegetables, fish and chicken. In the last month or so, I have come to another one of those life changing times and have had to learn to adapt once again. Financially things have been strained for the past 6 months or so but have now come to a head. Struggling to keep the creditors at bay, the last priority on the budget has been food. So my diet of fresh vegetables and salad has been put on the back burner and the pantry has become the "go to" for meals. Pasta, soup, oatmeal have become the norm. I am beyond being too proud to go to the food bank but the thing is that I will not get anything there that isn't already in the pantry - carbs and processed food that I don't like. So I will leave the offering of the food bank for those who would be happy to eat it. I feel like it would be wasted on me. I don't want to appear a snob, but I would really rather not eat than have to eat a white pasta supper or canned and processed food. Besides I already have that in my own pantry.

Last fall I heard about a program that supports local farmers while providing a variety of fresh produce through a sort of co-operative. For $13 (single) $18 (family size) you can pick up a large assortment of seasonal produce. If anyone lives in my area and would like to take advantage, I would be happy to provide you with the contact information. Wherever you live, you should check to see if there is a similar program offered in your area or start one up. It is win/win. 

Believe it or not, I find that the food goes bad before I can eat it. Sounds ridiculous I know, but it is one of those weird tricks that my mind is playing with me. Have you ever heard stories about how during the depression food and money were so scarce that after the drought was over, many people began to hoard in a fear that the well might soon dry up again - so to speak. Well, it seems I am going through the same phenomenon and even though I recognize it and know it is happening, I can't stop it. I bought some perishables early last month. The full carton of yogurt was nearing it's due date when I finally finished it by eating it for supper two days in a row. The eggs had to get hard boiled before the expiry date and the last one is still sitting there. I enjoy a glass of orange juice in the morning but I threw the last quarter of a carton out because it was well beyond it's best before date. Now it isn't like the fridge is so full that the food is lost in the back recesses - no it is right in front of me. Fried or poached eggs or even an omelet would be a great supper alternative with ample protein - so tell me what am I saving them for? I can ill afford to waste money by throwing away food. So now the only thing I buy at the grocery store is milk. I know it isn't a healthy diet and could very well be why during this unseasonably warm winter I am always cold and tired. 

One day I hope I will return to normal and not view food as a mortal enemy that is to be avoided but maybe even enjoyed once in awhile. I just don't know when that might happen. Meanwhile I believe that the 100 calorie cup of soup is calling my name - may even warm me up a little bit.