A Little Gratitude and Steak to go!

You Run Away - Barenaked Ladies

I would like to thank all of those people who have spoken or written to me to tell me that they feel inspired and moved by what I have lived and what I write about. I have not in my life been complimented very often and I have been told I don't accept gratitude very well. Well, maybe I don't where you can see and I don't openly acknowledge but each kind word touches me deeply and stays with me. 


Not that I am dead yet, but I have never been exposed to so many people knowing about my life and feeling compelled to respond. I never thought of it as anything special but instead abnormal, because that is what I was told I was. A kid believes what they are told. As a grown up, adults can cement the negative thoughts that were planted so young. Bottom line for me was without choice, I was forced to deal with a lot of pain. Here is a little insight on how I did it - 12 years old, I figured you had two choices. Live or die. I chose life. What happened sucked but it could have been worse. And it was with that childlike innocence and nativity that I was asked by the nurses to speak with other patients in the burn unit. There were the parents of an infant who was badly scalded by the babysitter who learned to forgive because hate got you no where and she would have her own burdens to shoulder and their baby was still alive. There was the 20 year old woman who lost her sister in a house fire, but found solace in her parents and brother once she let go of the self-pity. There was the young man who burned his leg on a hot motorcycle pipe and decided he had been living his life too superficially, that beauty was found much deeper within. 


In the hospital, with everyone dealing with the same life changing occurrences once we were rolled into that ward - we would never again be the people we were before. We would all bear the scars of our experiences. It was when I re-entered the 'normal' world some 2 months later that I developed another strategy to cope with my new reality. I didn't look like you - people stared and pointed and commented. I didn't have a family to go home to. I cried alone. I developed a shell to protect me and a wall to hide behind. No doubt, there was anger but mostly it was a hurt and scared little girl. Without purposeful intention, I began to display a facade of happiness to the outside world while within the four walls of my solitude, I pushed any pain that came my way deep into the far recesses of my mind. When it got to be too much of a burden, I ran. It was my problems to deal with and I wasn't very comfortable sharing and asking for the help that in hindsight would have been very beneficial. Some people did see the misery and tried to intervene. They were swiftly alienated by people who had their own agenda. 


I learned that asking for help did not often end well. Indeed, even when I left to run and hide on my own, reaching out was not a successful venture for me. People had their families to tend to, to be with, to help. They couldn't over-extend to me. Granted not everyone falls into that category, but one does tend to get a little gun-shy when you stick your neck out and your face gets slapped (so to speak) too often. Out of sight - out of mind. It was easy to forget that a had asked for a favour.  


It's okay though, I did it on my own and most of the time I really didn't need help. It doesn't make me strong, it makes me stubborn. It also makes me an avoider, because I run when pain becomes to much to handle. Here or there, wherever I may be or end up, I always open my arms to help others. I hope that in this forum I may help someone too or at least offer a little entertainment. 

When you want a steak and you get a hamburger, close your eyes and pretend that the ketchup and mustard dripping down your chin is the juices of a perfectly cooked, grade A, 3/4 inch steak! If that doesn't work, pack up and run like hell to the place where you can get you what you want and deserve!