Cooked or raw an egg is easy to crack...and so am I...Take me out I'm done

They're Coming to Take Me Away - Napoleon XIV

A half an hour ago, I felt good. I thought it was gonna be a good day. The past few days have been on an even keel - nothing really exciting but at least nothing to bring me down. Part of that is my own doing. I'm an avoider - if I pretend it's not there, then it really isn't. Like bills in the mail. I don't open them so they don't exist. I don't answer the phone, so no one can ask anything of me or make demands of me. It is a very strict and efficient way of screening who I allow to invade my space and life.


But today....I let my guard down. And I could kick myself for it now. I'm mad at me for allowing it; not them for doing it. That is rather typical behaviour for me unfortunately. I was feeling good, the doorbell rang and I answered. It was a courier. I thought of Chris expecting something. I opened the door. It was an envelope, I looked at the sender. It was the Dufferin Peel Catholic District  School Board. Why didn't I stand strong and refuse the letter? Why am I so weak? Why am I so damn eager to please? Why did I open the damn thing? Sometimes I think I deserve to be miserable so subconsciously I sabotage myself. I don't have any other explanations.


They have bullied me to the point of defeat and I keep letting them do it over and over again. WHY? I wish I could understand....


These past few days, London England has been experiencing some horrific acts of violence in the form of evening riots and vandalism. Buildings have been torched. Stores have been looted to the bare walls. It started because some people were angry that one person suffered an injustice at the hands of authority figures. In a show of support, people gathered and things got out of hand. I'm seeing a parallel because I can understand the mentality and frustration level of not being heard.


I completely understand why workers go "postal" and go to work with a gun to seek justice. I'm not saying it is right, just that I understand. I would do the same if it would mean that someone would listen. Sometimes the people who are the quietest are the ones who are screaming the loudest! Can you hear me?