"These times when the world falls apart make us who we are"

LIFEHOUSE - THE END HAS ONLY BEGUN

"Well the day
Tonight feels like a million miles away
And these times just won't change
Life just stays the same
I'd give anything to see the light of day


What you do
No one can decide it's up to you
And who you are is what you choose
These times when the world falls apart
Make us who we are"

So, I was listening to this song the other day and the lyrics jumped out at me like I had been hit over the head. Lifehouse is an amazingly under-rated band at the best of times. I highly recommend giving them a listen. Nothing specific, everything they have done.


But back to the song...I don't like the day time. I am a capable, intelligent, successful professional. It's easy to write that...but when I think about work I turn to a quivering mass of jelly. My mouth goes dry and tears well up in my eyes. I am so damn afraid! I am afraid of getting hurt again, afraid of being powerless and out of control. It's even more so scary because I've never felt like this before. Oh, I've been scared before even terrified - but this is different.


There is fear that you can conquer because we now that logically nothing will really happen. Like when I stepped on the glass floor at the CN Tower. Or being forced to jump into the drivers seat of a 27' truck loaded with everything I owned towing a sedan on a dolly with a 8 and 9 year old piled into the front seat. I had never driven a vehicle so big let alone on a cross-country trek. But I did it and although there were complications to that journey...no one was hurt and we survived to smile about it later.


Work is fear I can't conquer because I have no assurance that I won't be hurt again. And damn I was hurt bad and I was powerless and weak and couldn't fight it. They have won and they nearly killed me and they have never accepted a modicum of responsibility. So if they think what they did was okay (even right) what is to stop them from doing it again and again. For those who don't know - "they" are The Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board. Call a spade a spade - they are bullies and discriminate against staff - the hypocrites!


Yet, I am still the one who fears the day! During the day, I want to hide from the world. I don't want to go to the mall and see the back to school sales going on. I don't want to see the kids hanging around the mall. I don't want to risk seeing people I once worked with. Thinking about leaving the security of my four walls or fence enclosed patio makes me anxious. I don't want to think about work - it makes me physically sick. It makes me hurt.


My world fell apart and it made me who I am. I am trying to re-build again. How many times will my world fall apart before there is no solid foundation left on which to build? Before I haven't got the strength to lift the bricks...