A Frog Who Dreamed of Being a King

I Am I Said by Neil Diamond

"I am I said to no one there 

And no one heard at all not even the chair

I am I cried 

I am said I

And I am lost and I can't even say why

Leaving me lonely still"

I wasn't more than 16 years old. I was in the grips of a very lonely and sad period of my life for reasons I don't want to get into. I heard this song again and it touched me to the deepest part of my soul. It was released in 1971 and one of the first albums that my mom bought for me and it began a life long love affair with the man and his music. The talent this man has blows my mind. Especially in the 1970's and 1980's I got a lot of comfort from this singer/songwriter. My first foray into celebrity worship, I belonged to his fan club and once in the early 1980's I even spoke to him on the phone through a radio promotion on CHUM-FM. But I have never attended one of his concerts...either lack of money or impossible schedule co-ordination. But I have a massive collection of his albums and cassettes and even some CD's although there I opted for a box set. There were just too many to replace a third time...lol!

But I digress...back to 16 years old and lonely. I can't listen to the song without bringing back the visual of a sad girl sitting cross-legged in front of the house, oblivious to the traffic going by. In the house and through the open front door one song blares over and over again. This song. And back in the day when there was no "repeat" button, the girl with tears streaming down her face got up and lifted the needle off the record to expertly place it back to the beginning and play and sing and cry all over again.

It could have been written about me. I related to every word. I felt invisible like I was reaching out to people but being shut out or turned away. I wanted to be a part of family, I wanted to be valued, I wanted to be normal...but I was none of it. Like Neil Diamond not feeling a part of either coast, I felt like I didn't belong, didn't fit in. The difference being...I could say why. But I didn't want to say why. I was tired of being "that poor disfigured (ugly) girl who lost her whole family and look at her now." To me that is the frog who dreamed of being a king. I wanted to be like everyone else. Happy family dinners. Being loved. Having someone care if you lived or died. Yeah, it's harsh but it is the way I felt at the time. What is worse is that today...30 years later...not much has changed...