Sunday, October 28, 2012

Now and Forever in the House of Dreams

Now and Forever - Blue Rodeo


If I leave here tomorrow, will you still remember me? 

It had been going on without a hitch for several years. He was an intellectual equal and made her smile and laugh. His attention made her feel good about herself and he gave her confidence. He encouraged her and stood by her when she fell. She is analytical and perceptive. She noticed that there were habits that she could count on. That brought a sense of security, knowing that there was a predictability of sorts. But not all the habits were comforting. Christmas is a stressful time for a lot of people but without saying a word, his actions told her that this was truer for him than many others in her circle. The tension in the early months of the new year became expected and tolerated. When it was a pattern that was followed she could take comfort in knowing that it wasn't her fault. Men don't understand that the female species tends to want to take onus for the problems and snags in relationships. Women are masters at finding fault within themselves when they pass by the mirror and are quick to assume the blame. If they know why...maybe they can fix it. Healers by nature, it is astounding that the field of medicine isn't dominated by the female gender.

Once it was in the middle of the winter doldrums that he suddenly made himself scarce. She asked why, she didn't get a satisfactory answer. He dismissed her. She blamed herself because this was beyond the normal realm.  He had just recently bestowed upon her a gift. It was the most thoughtful gift and it came from his heart. He had listened to her and he knew what would please her the most. When things went sour she felt discarded and the gift was a reminder of what she thought were her inadequacies. She wanted explanations, reasons or excuses for the recent turn. She didn't get it. She felt used and abused. The media reinforced her feelings of cheapness, the line in the movie said "I thought I would charge more for the indignation of eff-ing for cash". She returned the gift to him to remove the constant reminder from her view.

She hated that word "eff" when it was attached to the act of mutual physical appreciation. Making love seemed a bit too corny, screwing was something done in the tool shed not the bedroom. Somewhere in her mind though she had always hoped that going to bed with a guy would entail some mutual respect. Eff-ing seemed to negate that. Carnal pleasure, using one another for ones own purposes requires no respect. Just receptacles and warm bodies. That's when she really felt eff-ed. One night stands had happened in her life but for her part, she was not just using him...she had hopes beyond that single encounter. That's why she hurt when it died. Her girlfriends would call him a sleaze to try and make her feel better. But what did it say about her, if he really was a sleaze and in his mind she was not good enough to see a second time?

But they weren't a one-night stand. They shared a bond that transcended the years. Beyond the horizontal dance that they periodically engaged in, there was the friendship - the respect for each other. She could tell him anything and she was secure in the fact that it was like telling a secret to her best friend. He wouldn't tell anyone and he wouldn't use the information to hurt her. And she kept his secrets too. It was the ultimate friends with benefits. She told him things that previously had been locked away in her subconscious, she had no fear that he would judge her. She felt peace and happiness like a warm blanket enveloping her. She had her freedom and she had her satisfaction, it was the best-case scenario. 


House of Dreams - Blue Rodeo

Something changed to cause him to disappear and she became afraid. Afraid that she had done wrong, that she had over-stepped. She saw flaws in her reflection that she hadn't seen for a long time. She remembered words that she perhaps shouldn't have spoken. Everything she did and had done, she scrutinized and criticized. She knew that the reality was that she was far from perfect and that there were many better and younger models out there willing to take her place. She became afraid to talk to him thinking that what she said would be misinterpreted and misconstrued to mean something other than what was her intent. It wasn't long before she felt like a bother and a nuisance and that he had summarily discarded and abandoned her. The worst part was that she couldn't tell any of it to her best friend...because he was it, her confidant...and he was gone.

Days passed and weeks turned into months. She accepted her new reality because there was no other choice. She felt alone in the world, ugly and unworthy of any ones attention. It felt like mourning the death of a close relative to her, for she was indeed mourning a loss. When a family member leaves the worldly planet to pass onto the great beyond we must learn to fill in the gap that they have left in our heart and life. He left a huge hole in her existence when he turned away from her. 

It never went away, the fear of bumping into him on the street and not knowing what to say. She felt that whatever words came to her would just anger him more. She hadn't figured out what she had done to cause the change, she just knew that he hadn't changed so ergo it must be her. The only certainty was that something had indeed changed. She had hopes that the confidence would come one day so she could look him in the eye and tell him that she deserved the courtesy of knowing what she did to anger him so. 

Physical relationships end. People move on. Maybe they are afraid of the intimacy, maybe they are afraid of the closeness. Maybe someone better or different comes along. Friendships don't end in the same way. People over time drift away and spend less time with one another but unless something has happened to cause a rift, it doesn't end overnight...just like that.

But if he can't find the time for her, maybe there is no time left for them at all. It's a hard lesson and if she could have dropped out and not finished the course...she would have done just that. She gave him the gift back but she couldn't erase the memories of better times. His presence was everywhere. When she could finally think of him without the floodgates of tears opening up, she saw the rainbow. And there like a pot of gold waiting to be collected stood her Adonis. A new chapter in her life was unfolding and she opened herself to the possibilities that the future held for her, for him, for them. No more eff-ing for her. From now on...only love.




PS: This was written and drafted in the files for quite a long time. Looking to finish and publish I am happy without having changed a word. :)

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