Sometimes even I need someone to be there for me. I struggle to muster the courage and ask...once. I find it very hard to do that, ask for help. Most people don't think twice about it. They have an ask and you shall receive mentality. It isn't that I haven't had the need to ask but it is unfamiliar territory. Think about it. If you need help, who do you turn to first? Family! So many people get annoyed when I do things by myself that with help would be easier, quicker or safer. Are you one of these people? Consider a time when this happened? Did I really not ask for help? Maybe in shyness...I hinted. Maybe you didn't pick up on my round-about request? Maybe I did ask and you didn't respond in the affirmative? Rejection is a very difficult pill to swallow. Why would I want to stand up so you can reject my pleas a second time?
Ah but dare I say it, fool that I am when it comes to the corporate machine I get sucked in again and again. I beg and I plead my case, repeatedly and I am always rejected. I tried not to have a lot of hope even though a lot of promises were thrown my way. "They can't say no, it's a shoe-in, don't worry." Outwardly, I tried not to worry - but physically the stress was/is taking a toll, my health was/is deteriorating. The unexplained headaches that don't ever seem to end, the dizziness, the elevated blood pressure, the aches and pains that don't go away, and a blip in my heart and breathing when I am in panic. But it is hard to to pinpoint a definitive cause. Is it stress? Is it lack of food/protein? Or a combination? I can't make the stress go away - I can meditate and take deep breaths til the next leap year and it is not going to change the fact that there is no income and the creditors will call again. And of course without the income the food option isn't going to change anytime soon. What difference does it make if I have food to cook if the street corner I am living on doesn't have a stove?
If there is a crack in the system, I will fall through it. I won't admit to holding out much hope, because I have fallen so far and so hard when the rug of hope that I perch on was pulled out from under me. It is very hard to stand tall and proud when the earth is crumbling around you. Behind every cloud is a clear sky - although it may be a sub-zero cold front. This morning after yet another crash and burn I stopped eating my oatmeal. I couldn't stomach another bite and then the reason came to me like a slap in the face - I don't deserve it! I don't deserve the food or the nourishment that it brings. Finally an answer to the question so often asked by the health professionals lately - why aren't you hungry? Why don't you eat? Because I am not worthy. Right now thinking and talking about eating, I am nauseous but all I feel is the acid rising in my body.
Work, through their bullying behaviour taught me that I wasn't good enough. That belief is now ruling my life.