When life is a fight, It's a war we will lose

Wake Me When September Ends - Green Day

I don't like to write when I am in a very dark place because it is there for me to recall over and over again. To relive the feeling of pain. And that person in such excruciating pain that can't stop the flow of tears like a hurricane-fuelled rainstorm is not me. I am the happy one, the one who was always smiling. "WAS" and hope to be again.

Any regular reader of this blog will know from previous posts that I have been suffering from a depressive disorder for the past 2 1/2 years. The emotional breaking point was not the loss of my entire family before I was 23 years old. No, I was able to cope with the loss of both parents, 2 sisters and 1 brother because in part it wasn't a personal attack - a fact of life and a circumstances that I was forced to adjust to whether I liked it or not. I didn't like it, but I persisted and survived and dare I say...I even thrived. My downfall was something much more insidious - it was the constant and unrelenting character assassination that went on for years while I struggled to provide a safe and stable life for my two young children as a single parent. It wasn't my work performance it was me. I didn't say hello when I passed a particular person in a hall filled with hundreds of others. I didn't share my life with everybody at work. In fact I devoted my life to my children and the time I could spend with them and of course my attempts to provide for them financially and emotionally. Bottom line is that I was bullied at work by my supervisors and colleagues when I worked in the Catholic School system that was putting forth a face to the media that claimed to be against bullying. But in the classroom, I saw the teachers bully the students. In the halls, I saw teachers discriminate against students by race and sex and athletic ability. In the office, I was the danger because I saw and I documented. I had to be stopped. I wasn't on their side so I was the enemy. As a side note to any parent reading who has a child in the school system, do not assume that the teachers or administration will protect your child. I am here to tell you, that it is my experience that a vast majority of them are shining examples of how to bully those they percieve to be less then them. My mother was a teacher, some of the people I respect the most in my life are teachers. There are good and bad....be careful and be vigilant. 

SOME FOOD FOR THOUGHT

In an attempt to heal, I made some drastic changes in my life. I didn't know what else to do and what I had been doing was not working. I still think that the overall decision was sound and will in the long-term be a healthy decision for me. But what has happened since making that decision is enough to make me want to jump off the 18th floor balcony. I'm not going to get into all the details, because right now it is far to painful and I am trying to stay away from the edge. 

18th Floor Balcony - Blue October

This story is far from over and I hope that I am around to see it's conclusion but the best I can do now is hope that God or my Guardian Angels hold my hand when it's time for me to fly.......

Dear God, It's Just me...Can We Talk?

One Of Us - Joan Osborne

Disclaimer - This blog is about God. It is not a sermon, it is not about the institution of religion, it is not intended to change or question your beliefs. I have faith and conviction in my beliefs but not so much in organized religion whatever the name that is attached to it (I have been jaded of late). 

If I could ask God just one question, what would it be? You know after getting over the shock of seeing him here in front of me while I am still of this earthly world. I think I would have to wonder what he thought of the actions of humanity in the past few centuries. Lot of good things have been accomplished but a lot of deplorable ones too. What would he have to say about the wars and deaths that have occurred in his name?  


If I thought I could ask "Why?" and get the hundreds of thoughts that beg that question answered in one fell swoop that would be the one question I would pose. But it is vague and the answers varied. My "Why's" are very different from yours. For me, it has been so long wondering and trying to answer that question myself that I might just as well wait - for it won't be that much longer before I don't need to know the answers. I will have my peace and leave others wondering the same question. I've spent more than half my lifetime undone - indeed proportionately more time than I have left to leave my footprints in the sand. 


Maybe I could ask one specific question that could be answered in a lot of different ways but still end up at the same point. I would start off reminding God that all my life I have heard that we are never asked to carry any more than our shoulders can handle. I really think that I want to know when my load can be lightened so that I can begin to dance again instead of crawling under the weight of too many burdens and rejections and pain. I used to smile a lot but I forget how sometimes. I want my old self back. I guess I just feel like it is getting to be too much. Someone I see fairly frequently always starts our visits off with her standard "How you been?", after hearing my standard response of "good and bad". We both wait for the day when that will change to just good or Great! It's tough to handle sometimes, the lack of hope or perhaps better put - the fear of hope. The one thing I always used to say I had was hope...


Hope that it would get better, easier, more comfortable. 
Hope that I would understand, learn to cope, forgive. 
Hope that I would be loved, rewarded, appreciated.
Hope that at least Karma would come out to play her game.

...but hope became like a false friend that I would cling to until they let me go - to fall further down into the dark abyss. And each time I would fall a little farther, land a little harder. The bruises and pain took a little longer to recover from and each disappointment was a notch in the noose around my neck that threatened to make the next fall the last one. 

It's Just Me - Blue October

It just seems to me that some people seem to have things come so easily to them, while others struggles for the smallest reward: jobs, life, love, health, friendships. Those people who we say comes up smelling like roses and can dodge every bullet. The lucky ones, the fortunate ones. 


On behalf of all the people struggling to stay afloat, who can't see past their tears - I would ask God...Can you please lighten the weight on our shoulder for at least awhile - until we can smile easily and get stronger? 


I am not alone. It is not Just Me. It may be someone you know. Maybe until the time comes for God to answer, you can help someone with the burden they are carrying...

It's Raining Again

Into the Ocean - Blue October


I want the rain to come down and wash it away. I don't know how to put the umbrella up and I've been locked out and can't find shelter. 


I can't change my past and what I lived through with the tragedy of my family. I didn't make any of that happen and it wasn't my fault. I didn't ask to survive and I didn't want to be left alone. But I made a decision to live, to carry on. 


But it has become too easy for people to look at those events and use it as an excuse for today. 30 years later. Good God...if I was gonna crack up over those events I think I would have done it a long time ago. I am tired of fighting and thinking that I'll throw in the towel and let you win...I'll just go...quietly...