Saturday, September 14, 2013

When life is a fight, It's a war we will lose

Wake Me When September Ends - Green Day

I don't like to write when I am in a very dark place because it is there for me to recall over and over again. To relive the feeling of pain. And that person in such excruciating pain that can't stop the flow of tears like a hurricane-fuelled rainstorm is not me. I am the happy one, the one who was always smiling. "WAS" and hope to be again.

Any regular reader of this blog will know from previous posts that I have been suffering from a depressive disorder for the past 2 1/2 years. The emotional breaking point was not the loss of my entire family before I was 23 years old. No, I was able to cope with the loss of both parents, 2 sisters and 1 brother because in part it wasn't a personal attack - a fact of life and a circumstances that I was forced to adjust to whether I liked it or not. I didn't like it, but I persisted and survived and dare I say...I even thrived. My downfall was something much more insidious - it was the constant and unrelenting character assassination that went on for years while I struggled to provide a safe and stable life for my two young children as a single parent. It wasn't my work performance it was me. I didn't say hello when I passed a particular person in a hall filled with hundreds of others. I didn't share my life with everybody at work. In fact I devoted my life to my children and the time I could spend with them and of course my attempts to provide for them financially and emotionally. Bottom line is that I was bullied at work by my supervisors and colleagues when I worked in the Catholic School system that was putting forth a face to the media that claimed to be against bullying. But in the classroom, I saw the teachers bully the students. In the halls, I saw teachers discriminate against students by race and sex and athletic ability. In the office, I was the danger because I saw and I documented. I had to be stopped. I wasn't on their side so I was the enemy. As a side note to any parent reading who has a child in the school system, do not assume that the teachers or administration will protect your child. I am here to tell you, that it is my experience that a vast majority of them are shining examples of how to bully those they percieve to be less then them. My mother was a teacher, some of the people I respect the most in my life are teachers. There are good and careful and be vigilant. 


In an attempt to heal, I made some drastic changes in my life. I didn't know what else to do and what I had been doing was not working. I still think that the overall decision was sound and will in the long-term be a healthy decision for me. But what has happened since making that decision is enough to make me want to jump off the 18th floor balcony. I'm not going to get into all the details, because right now it is far to painful and I am trying to stay away from the edge. 

18th Floor Balcony - Blue October

This story is far from over and I hope that I am around to see it's conclusion but the best I can do now is hope that God or my Guardian Angels hold my hand when it's time for me to fly.......