Time has been preoccupying my thoughts a lot lately. People hoping for winter to end is like hoping for time to pass by quicker. It's mid-April and Easter but it feels like it was just Valentines Day! Christmas is but a distant memory.
A friend turned 50 recently and although I jokingly reminded her that once her actual birthday had passed, she was closer to 75 than she was to 25, it hit probably hit me harder than it did her. I can't get it out of my head. Double nickels will soon be a memory for me. How much time do I have?
Reflection and introspection reminds me that while I am enjoying my life, there are some aspects (some goals) that I am not even close to achieving. Time is slipping away. I have to accept that maybe they are less goals and more fantasies. Or do I?
I feel like I am riding the proverbial roller-coaster. Thrills and excitement that take your breath away and leave you screaming with joy and fright. Extreme highs that eventually end in quick descent back to earth. Back to reality. And for me, if I am not careful, a fall into depths even lower than the frost line.
I am not talking bi-polar disorder, I am talking about the love-hate relationship I have with myself. Society and the constant images we are bombarded with that tell us we are too fat, too short, too stupid, too blonde, too white, too old, too ugly. Are we okay or are we not?
I know I am not perfect but sometimes I think I am alright. Sometimes I am reminded that I am not. The highs come from the acceptance of others or those times when you have decided that it just doesn't matter. And then you see a picture or a mirror. Or worse that couple that you can't help but envy, for they found love.
He doesn't see that she doesn't have the figure of a super-model. She doesn't see that his belly is pushing down the waistband of his pants. It's acceptance and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, in the soul and in the life shining through the eyes. It doesn't matter what we deem our sexual orientation to be, as human we crave companionship. Someone to call our own. I'm not so different deep down.
|I want to be a Ford Mustang that is appreciated and revered not the Edsel that is the butt of jokes.|
Sometimes, in your life you find someone who is willing to ride with you and have a few laughs along the way. But the ride has to have 2 drivers, 2 people deciding which road to take, 2 people sharing the maintenance, 2 people putting gas in the car. When the balance is off and the life not shared, we come to a fork in the road and take different paths.
But what is the point of the journey if there is no destination. Are you just riding in circles, wasting time? Spinning the wheels and getting nowhere fast. I enjoy a joy ride as much as the next person but sometimes I want to know that the trip won't end when you find a better travel partner. I want to be good enough for every part of the journey.
I have a friend, he has a mechanic at home and is happy to have someone go for short jaunts around town with.
I have a friend that has been burned once too often and has put all the hot coals in the same basket. Just far enough away to not feel.
I have another friend, he would prefer to have a driver who is more a sounding board then a travel companion. A chauffeur waiting for the next order. Throw the dog a bone.
When do you get out of the car? How do you know when it is time to stop putting time and effort into keeping the old clunker chugging along. When do you walk away...alone.
Just because someone is keeping the fire under control doesn't mean that they want to put it out. And so I am finding myself wondering - am I wasting time?
I don't know if it is enough anymore to just have fun going in circles.
Are the words of kindness just...words?
I don't want to be the poison sumac growing alone in a forest of beautiful magnolia trees. I want someone to look at me like I am a magnolia. Losing some petals, a few broken branches, exposed roots and even buds that no longer bloom. But beautiful none the less.
Because that is how I see you. Beautiful in my eyes. Flaws and all. Despite what the media would have us believe, we all have imperfections. I for one need struggle to remember that.
Meanwhile, the ride doesn't end until time runs out. Maybe I just need to find another car and driver?
Credit where credit is due:
Time by Hootie and the Blowfish
Picture of Ford Mustang
Picture of Magnolia