WWW.PINKPANTHERFAN.CA That is about me! This blog is my view of the world around me, the absurdity of the inhabitants and how we fit in. I have written diaries for nearly 30 years of my life, at times this will be an extension of that in so much as I will be writing about life as I experience it. Mostly just my personal musings about whatever thought(s) pop into my head and flitter there until I let it out. ENJOY!
Time has been preoccupying my thoughts a lot lately. People hoping for winter to end is like hoping for time to pass by quicker. It's mid-April and Easter but it feels like it was just Valentines Day! Christmas is but a distant memory. A friend turned 50 recently and although I jokingly reminded her that once her actual birthday had passed, she was closer to 75 than she was to 25, it hit probably hit me harder than it did her. I can't get it out of my head. Double nickels will soon be a memory for me. How much time do I have? Reflection and introspection reminds me that while I am enjoying my life, there are some aspects (some goals) that I am not even close to achieving. Time is slipping away. I have to accept that maybe they are less goals and more fantasies. Or do I?
I feel like I am riding the proverbial roller-coaster. Thrills and excitement that take your breath away and leave you screaming with joy and fright. Extreme highs that eventually end in quick descent back to earth. Back to reality. And for me, if I am not careful, a fall into depths even lower than the frost line. I am not talking bi-polar disorder, I am talking about the love-hate relationship I have with myself. Society and the constant images we are bombarded with that tell us we are too fat, too short, too stupid, too blonde, too white, too old, too ugly. Are we okay or are we not? I know I am not perfect but sometimes I think I am alright. Sometimes I am reminded that I am not. The highs come from the acceptance of others or those times when you have decided that it just doesn't matter. And then you see a picture or a mirror. Or worse that couple that you can't help but envy, for they found love. He doesn't see that she doesn't have the figure of a super-model. She doesn't see that his belly is pushing down the waistband of his pants. It's acceptance and beauty is in the eye of the beholder, in the soul and in the life shining through the eyes. It doesn't matter what we deem our sexual orientation to be, as human we crave companionship. Someone to call our own. I'm not so different deep down.
I want to be a Ford Mustang that is appreciated and revered not the Edsel that is the butt of jokes.
Sometimes, in your life you find someone who is willing to ride with you and have a few laughs along the way. But the ride has to have 2 drivers, 2 people deciding which road to take, 2 people sharing the maintenance, 2 people putting gas in the car. When the balance is off and the life not shared, we come to a fork in the road and take different paths. But what is the point of the journey if there is no destination. Are you just riding in circles, wasting time? Spinning the wheels and getting nowhere fast. I enjoy a joy ride as much as the next person but sometimes I want to know that the trip won't end when you find a better travel partner. I want to be good enough for every part of the journey. I have a friend, he has a mechanic at home and is happy to have someone go for short jaunts around town with. I have a friend that has been burned once too often and has put all the hot coals in the same basket. Just far enough away to not feel. I have another friend, he would prefer to have a driver who is more a sounding board then a travel companion. A chauffeur waiting for the next order. Throw the dog a bone.
When do you get out of the car? How do you know when it is time to stop putting time and effort into keeping the old clunker chugging along. When do you walk away...alone.
Just because someone is keeping the fire under control doesn't mean that they want to put it out. And so I am finding myself wondering - am I wasting time? I don't know if it is enough anymore to just have fun going in circles. Are the words of kindness just...words?
I don't want to be the poison sumac growing alone in a forest of beautiful magnolia trees. I want someone to look at me like I am a magnolia. Losing some petals, a few broken branches, exposed roots and even buds that no longer bloom. But beautiful none the less. Because that is how I see you. Beautiful in my eyes. Flaws and all. Despite what the media would have us believe, we all have imperfections. I for one need struggle to remember that.
Meanwhile, the ride doesn't end until time runs out. Maybe I just need to find another car and driver?
Credit where credit is due: Time by Hootie and the Blowfish Picture of Ford Mustang Picture of Magnolia
It starts off with a whisper - the words of a song that bring me back to the reality of the moment and sends my thoughts off on a new tangent. I suppose it has always been like that for me, the difference now is that I feel compelled to write it down. And quickly before I forget where the thoughts were going. Following those thoughts as they meander are partly self-discovery and healing, partly fantasy with a bit of fun, and sometimes painful.
Today it was this song, I wanna get better. Alright fine, it's been a topic that has been the focus of my life for nearly four years now. Four years...let me just take a moment for that to sink in.
Four years ago, I was a full time mother to two children who were almost complete in their post-secondary academic endeavours. I had a full time job that I loved and was damn good at. I had a fairly new vehicle and was finally able to do some of the needed upgrades on my house. My debt load was low after many years of struggles. Definitely on an upswing.
When I took my third stress leave, I thought it would be just another break from the continued harassment I was experiencing at work. I did not know that I would still be struggling with the effects of that so many years later. I refer to it as the time I fell apart. It was a swift and nearly deadly tumble into the abyss of depression.
There was only one thing I knew for sure and that was that for reasons unknown to me my supervisors at work hated me. I didn't know how to change who I was so I embarked on a quest to change what I looked like. Plastic surgery was out of my comfort zone and budget. So I began to diet and exercise. Carbs were out, cardio and weight training was in. Despite the effort and determination, nothing was happening. Not a pound was shed. I lost nothing except maybe a bit more of my sanity which had become very fragile.
I was so focused on the scale and its infernal readout that I didn't realize that when I was not exercising, I was sleeping or crying. And I couldn't stop doing any of it. I didn't see it as not okay. Combining all of those things with alcohol one weekend brought the fragile house of cards falling down flat. The game couldn't be played any longer. Referees in the form of psychologists, psychiatrists, nutritionists, chemical rehab and medical doctors became a mainstay in my life. And my "compassionate" employer steadfastly maintained that if I was unable to work, it was because I had suffered a traumatic event 40 years prior. It still makes my blood boil when I think of that! While I have had a lot of support with my mental health, my physical health continued to suffer. The attitude towards me by my employer really took a toll on my self-esteem. Before the breakdown I did like myself. I could look into that mirror with a critical eye and still see mostly good. There are always things we'd like to improve or change for to truly live and be alive we must continually grow. But the growth I could no longer tolerate (and still can't) is my skin. There is more, not less and I am so afraid that it will continue, that eating is a mental struggle. The "eat/don't eat" voices in my head are too strong. And the fear of physical growth is far louder than the gethealthy whisper. I am often very literally scared to eat. I continue to work very hard to try and learn what is going on and how I can fix my bodies response to food. I know that I have caused my metabolism to slow, I have been told that the way to increase it is to eat - apparently my body thinks I am starving it. lol! But I tried that for a time and at 900 calories a day, I gained.
And just when I think I might be getting better, someone makes a comment about the importance of body language and I want to scream. Why is it that our physical presence is more important than our soul? This is but a shell. Who I am lies deep within. But society keeps telling us that we can never makes a second first impression. How we present ourselves leaves a lasting image. If someone has a prejudice, it is not politically okay to express it but it doesn't mean it's necessarily gone. I was once told by a manager of a retail store that I couldn't work there because I would scare away the customers. Nobody would dare say that today, but do they still think it? I would like to think that we have become more tolerant of our differences but have we really? Nobody would bat an eye if they saw a pencil-thin waif coming out of McDonalds with a burger in one hand while sucking on a milkshake. Now, what if that person was so big they barely fit out the door, how many people would stare as they waddled away? And possibly even make derogatory comments - just loud enough to be within ear shot. The thing is we assume that because we see a larger size person eating junk food that that is all they eat, that they are lazy and never get off the couch. Where as reality might be quite different. Or not, but you don't know.
I met a person recently and they were concerned that when they dressed "as themselves" that I wouldn't accept them. To be fair, there are dress codes at certain places and I don't think it's my place to be disrespectful of someone else's wishes, but such was not the case here. The attire was more than acceptable at the venue in question. I just didn't happen to share their choice of wardrobe. It's never occurred to me to judge their style. Under the physical decoration, they were the same person I had met and known prior to this meeting. But they were correct in their belief that others are not so tolerant and look upon the accoutrements with disdain and negative judgement. If they took the time to look beyond they would see a kind soul, with a warm heart and friendly smile who is also a great parent and wonderful friend. We have no right to judge unless we can sit back as we too are judged. Love that lives in the heart isn't always visible on the outside. Perhaps I have a greater understanding and compassion regarding this subject because I have been there. I have lived it. I once went on a family road trip and when I came back I was (I thought) the same person, albeit sadder - but I looked like someone else. And some had no problem letting me know what they thought. Truth is, the face in the mirror wasn't mine and the body had changed - it was forever marked by life's scars. Even the sound coming from my mouth was different. Some people didn't even recognize me on the phone. But my soul was the same. It's me! To some I became and stayed a stranger from then on. Not good enough anymore.
So stop please! Before you chastise someone and judge them as unworthy based on their appearance...stop and ask yourself if maybe there is a real worthy person under the physical form. The person staggering down the road as if drunk may be re-learning how to walk. The person hugging themselves may be lonely and afraid, not angry. The person who can't speak, is not stupid. The person you think is disabled is just differently-abled. I have always believed that we are all disabled in some way. Some of us share it for the world to see, others can keep it hidden from view. Science is one of my weaknesses, the word received is another. I don't think I have ever spelled that word correctly!
The person who can't see is not always the blind person.
Today a video was shared by a friend on Facebook and I am going to share it with you here. It is in French but language is unimportant. I had started writing this missive yesterday and when I watched this video I was saddened to my very core. How can we be so self-absorbed that we don't care about each other? Where did we go so wrong? How can we sit in church on Sunday, praise our boss on Monday, volunteer with our community on Tuesday, spend time with our family on Wednesday, give to charity on Thursday, pray for a safe weekend on Friday and step on our neighbours on Saturday.
The Importance of Appearances Experiment - NorniTube
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDN-uZ_0I70
Regardless of how this man is dressed, he is in need and yet people walk past him and don't even see him or worse - notice and choose not to care. BECAUSE OF WHAT HE LOOKS LIKE! My link to the video may not work on this page, so here is a link on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lDN-uZ_0I70 (SPOILER ALERT) If that still doesn't work. I will tell you that a man in an overcoat, hat and jeans, collapses on a busy sidewalk and lies there repeating "help me" as people walk by mindless. Some stop to look. They see and hear him but don't notice him and his pleas. When the same man falls wearing a suit and a tie, his head isn't even on the pavement when he has commandered the attention of a gathering of concerned passersby who stop to help and have no fear touching him, talking to him, helping him. It's the same man! So tell me, how am I ever supposed to like myself and accept myself if I can't change my appearance? How will I ever be safe from the people who want to step on me and discard me like trash? Was I living in a fantasy world I created on my own until I was forced to face the truth. I am not good enough? I don't want to believe it but every day, the beauty magazines and the role models I am shown on tv tell me it's true.
I just want us to do all that we can to be peaceful and caring. Shakespeare got it wrong "To See or Not to See" THAT is the real question! It seems to me that people in general are becoming blind to what is going on around them. Tunnel vision perhaps is a good label for it. While Bullying has become the hot topic for politicians and the media to jump on, incidents of bullying are becoming worse and more prevalent. Part of this is a perception brought about by increased media attention. People are becoming more aware of what it is and how to identify it, and that is a good thing. It is far more than the School yard bully wanting your lunch money. It is the boss who consistently and constantly belittles your character because they can and your job performance doesn't warrant reprimand. It is the driver who uses their vehicle as a tool to control your behaviour. It is the corporation that would rather you made decisions based on their own belief of inferiority of another - like belonging to the right crowd in high school by having the "right name on their clothes and material goods". It is the media that tells us what movies are good and that everything else isn't worthy. It is everyone who attempts to elevate their standing by climbing over another that they have knocked down. So now that we have decided that bullying is much more than child's play, we can see that it is all around us and it indeed has gotten worse and we are becoming less sensitized to it and more accepting of it. Consider the following scenarios and decide for yourself if you see the bully.
1. Courtesy Driving. You are driving down the road and behold the road ahead is going down from two lanes to one. Many people who drive this route on a regular basis, all merge well ahead of time in anticipation. So you are left with one backed up lane of traffic and one perfectly usable lane that might ease some traffic congestion but is empty - and some intelligent drivers see this and drive in that soon to end lane. Nothing wrong with it, in fact it would be the legal and proper thing to do. However, some people including at least one I know and have driven with, take it as a personal affront that someone is trying to get ahead of them when their lane is ending in 500 meters/1 kilometre? And this person gets angry, livid and stressed out. It's kind of funny to me, but there are times when bulling comes into this picture too. As you are driving past the drivers who chose to stop, they glare at you menacingly or worse, use their vehicle to straddle two lanes. In essence, using their vehicle as a weapon, to control your behaviour because THEY don't like it. Bullying? You need to step back people and ask yourself, is it really that terrible that I have chosen the wrong lane and someone has gotten in front of me. Like the grocery/department store, we pick a lane and then watch the one we debated move quicker. Do we start pushing people with our shopping cart because they chose differently? This form of road rage become acceptable modern day bullying even though it is not viewed as such. In fact there is a facebook group dedicated to the belittling of people who in are obeying the laws of the road. They are celebrating their inappropriate behaviour.
2. Commercials on TV and TV programming. I don't watch a lot of programs so I won't speak to those but there are some commercials that make me crazy. There was a time when companies would compare each other by name during their advertisements. Then that comparison was outlawed and consumers were allowed to absorb information and make up their own minds. But we've reverted back, maybe not in specifically naming competitors but very blatantly bashing the rival. There are many very successful marketing ploys that take the moral high road and I applaud them and financially support them. On the other side, there are companies like Charmin that openly compares itself to the "bird brand." And yet not too effective since one quick search on the internet proves that there are a lot of people who don't even know what the bird brand is. Not the bird brand, but Bounty very effectively proves their prowess and effectiveness with over-sized "sponge people" running around absorbing liquids. Love the slurping noise when it's cleaning the dogs dirty paw prints! :) I get that this paper towel will do the job.
But if there was an award for the most annoying commercials ever, it would be for me Rogers. Rogers is a company that started off a century ago with one small radio station in Toronto and has grown since the 1960's into a corporation to be reckoned with in the global communications market. They have interests in radio, television stations, wireless and home phone, cable companies, publishing, internet providing, home alarm systems and sports (sorry, it's still the SkyDome to me!) That alone tells you that you are bound to see a multitude of commercials for Rogers Telecommunications. So much so, that I would wager that if you are watching a Rogers TV station, you will see at least one Rogers commercial on every break! And that wouldn't be so bad except for the content of most of them. Stealing an old concept from Polaroid that used James Garner and Mariette Hartley posing as a married couple for a run of very successful ad campaigns, Rogers has done the same. The difference being that Rogers varies from commercials that tout the benefits of the product to the detriment of its rivals, to those that either belittle the "wife" or ones that bash the "husband". The latest, has the wife showing off a tablet as a remote control, then makes fun of her husbands choices of favourite shows in front of an unknown couple. He is clearly uncomfortable and she is oblivious. I can't support this malicious form of advertising. Just this past week, I put call in to a cable company that came to my door and told me that the choices I had made were the wrong ones because their employer was superior and I was wasting my money. I phoned the complaints department to thank them for questioning my intelligence level. They shouldn't be knocking on my door any time soon. 3. Politics and politicians. I have a very hard time during the campaigning process trying to ascertain the best candidate for my community, provincial or federal needs. I have some political party preferences but I like to also keep an open mind. It is increasingly difficult to do this when most advertisements on print and TV are nothing more than attack ads. There was barely a peep in the news about the recent elections for Liberal party leader here in Canada. But it was tough to escape notice when the Conservative Party came out within hours on the decision being announced with ads attacking the newly elected leader Justin Trudeau. What was the purpose of that besides the misguided attempt to elevate their standing by stepping on Mr Trudeau. It's not even election time between the parties. So degrade him and his choices for sport? I wonder if they had similar attack ads at the ready with the names of all the other candidates? By supporting this tactic by the Conservative party we are saying that it is okay. But it's not. There is no need to put down others to elevate our own standing. We should be able to stand on our own merits. Unless perhaps we don't have any worthy of mentioning. Conservative or Liberal leaning, I shout "Shame on you, Conservative Party of Canada."
I am enclosing this video not because I endorse it in any way but I think you should be free to make up your own mind. I would encourage you to go to YouTube and like or dislike the ad and make your views known in any way you see fit. Average Canadian citizen Chris Gougeon is making his own stand protesting these ads...people are talking about it. I'm not alone is my displeasure. 4. Celebrity Status. Just recently an entertainment magazine released a list of the top hated celebrities. A lot of feather were ruffled upon learning that Gwyneth Paltrow was on top of the list. One report I heard was that she was selected as most hated because she was so perfect. There is some logic that escapes me! How can I hate her, she has done nothing to me to warrant such a strong negative emotion. I understand that celebrities put themselves out there and open themselves up to criticism and yes some even seek out publicity (either positive or negative) to keep themselves in the public eye. I have no problem forming an opinion regarding the performance of a specific star. But it is not the person who should be trashed but rather their actions. Justin Bieber, for example, has made some very poor behavioural choices of late and I personally am not a fan of the nature of pictures that he posts to Twitter or other social media sites, but he himself is not an inherently bad person. He is the same talent that he was when he was adored by the media a few short months ago. His entourage of paid promoters should perhaps be a little more vigilant in their guidance and protection (even if from himself and his own immaturity). These put downs go for other musicians and celebrities as well. I am tired of people openly hating on Nickelback. You don't have to be a fan or even like their music but can't you just not listen without putting them down or me if my views and tastes in music are different then yours. I am not a fan of Prince (or whatever name he is going by these days) but I will not discount his musical ability/showmanship/or self-promotional abilities. I don't like his music, I don't want to listen to it, or financially support it, I don't have to. I can however change the station. I don't have to bash him to every person I encounter. I do not need to tell you that your musical tastes are less than mine because we have different opinions.
5. A little Good News. One word...Dove! It isn't only because it is a campaign that is trying to smash all the ill-conceived projections of mass media about what women should look like but because it is doing it without trashing the competition. I think that the "You are more beautiful than you think" campaign is one to be applauded. But let's not be naive, Dove is owned by the Unilever Corporation who freely uses sex and the "perfect" female form to sell its other products like Axe body spray. Baby steps I guess are better than going backwards or standing still.
A Final Thought. I think society as a whole needs to learn that you do not elevate yourself by belittling others. Self-love and self-esteem is a good practice and necessary. Yes, even in politics and business there is a need to try and elevate yourself above the competition to gain profits or supports but it can be done in the marketplace and in the workplace without stepping on other people. Take the moral high ground and be nice. It really doesn't take a lot of effort or financial expense but the rewards can be great. The notion of a random act of kindness is a great concept but flawed in that people tend to believe that it is an "act" and not a lifestyle. A lifestyle choice that cannot be counted in instances or specific acts. The goodness that we all appreciate and embrace when a tragedy befalls members of our race needs to be appreciated and recognized on a daily basis. Not just because they were innocent bystanders that were hurt or emergency service personal who gave their all nor even someone who was diagnosed with a medical ailment. But everyone we encounter in our daily lives each and every day.
The true humanitarian
- will hold the door open for the person behind them, - will donate to the food bank even when it isn't a food drive, - will say thank you to the person who is serving them (even thought it is their job to serve), - will allow another motorist to pass without taking it as a personal attack, - will consider their consumer habits based on the behaviour in their advertisements, - will make it known that negative promotion is not acceptable, - will make up their own minds to the goodness of others without belittling the choice of another - will lead by example and practice what they preach. I am not perfect, but I do try and live my life in accordance with the morals and values I have held for a lifetime. But, having said that...do me wrong and I'll have no problem speaking the truth as I see it. I respected and valued my neighbours until they started damaging my property and tossing my mail. I had a great employer until I experienced their hypocrisy - preach anti-bullying and then bully your employees. Shame on Irene and Harold and shame on the DPCDSB.
