Behind the Clouds is a Clear Sky - A Sub-zero Cold Front!

All the Kings Men - Tom Cochrane

Sometimes even I need someone to be there for me. I struggle to muster the courage and ask...once. I find it very hard to do that, ask for help. Most people don't think twice about it. They have an ask and you shall receive mentality. It isn't that I haven't had the need to ask but it is unfamiliar territory. Think about it. If you need help, who do you turn to first? Family! So many people get annoyed when I do things by myself that with help would be easier, quicker or safer. Are you one of these people? Consider a time when this happened? Did I really not ask for help? Maybe in shyness...I hinted. Maybe you didn't pick up on my round-about request? Maybe I did ask and you didn't respond in the affirmative? Rejection is a very difficult pill to swallow. Why would I want to stand up so you can reject my pleas a second time? 


Ah but dare I say it, fool that I am when it comes to the corporate machine I get sucked in again and again. I beg and I plead my case, repeatedly and I am always rejected. I tried not to have a lot of hope even though a lot of promises were thrown my way. "They can't say no, it's a shoe-in, don't worry." Outwardly, I tried not to worry - but physically the stress was/is taking a toll, my health was/is deteriorating. The unexplained headaches that don't ever seem to end, the dizziness, the elevated blood pressure, the aches and pains that don't go away, and a blip in my heart and breathing when I am in panic. But it is hard to to pinpoint a definitive cause. Is it stress? Is it lack of food/protein? Or a combination? I can't make the stress go away - I can meditate and take deep breaths til the next leap year and it is not going to change the fact that there is no income and the creditors will call again. And of course without the income the food option isn't going to change anytime soon. What difference does it make if I have food to cook if the street corner I am living on doesn't have a stove? 


If there is a crack in the system, I will fall through it. I won't admit to holding out much hope, because I have fallen so far and so hard when the rug of hope that I perch on was pulled out from under me. It is very hard to stand tall and proud when the earth is crumbling around you. Behind every cloud is a clear sky - although it may be a sub-zero cold front. This morning after yet another crash and burn I stopped eating my oatmeal. I couldn't stomach another bite and then the reason came to me like a slap in the face - I don't deserve it! I don't deserve the food or the nourishment that it brings. Finally an answer to the question so often asked by the health professionals lately - why aren't you hungry? Why don't you eat? Because I am not worthy. Right now thinking and talking about eating, I am nauseous but all I feel is the acid rising in my body. 


Work, through their bullying behaviour taught me that I wasn't good enough. That belief is now ruling my life. 

Dear God, It's Just me...Can We Talk?

One Of Us - Joan Osborne

Disclaimer - This blog is about God. It is not a sermon, it is not about the institution of religion, it is not intended to change or question your beliefs. I have faith and conviction in my beliefs but not so much in organized religion whatever the name that is attached to it (I have been jaded of late). 

If I could ask God just one question, what would it be? You know after getting over the shock of seeing him here in front of me while I am still of this earthly world. I think I would have to wonder what he thought of the actions of humanity in the past few centuries. Lot of good things have been accomplished but a lot of deplorable ones too. What would he have to say about the wars and deaths that have occurred in his name?  


If I thought I could ask "Why?" and get the hundreds of thoughts that beg that question answered in one fell swoop that would be the one question I would pose. But it is vague and the answers varied. My "Why's" are very different from yours. For me, it has been so long wondering and trying to answer that question myself that I might just as well wait - for it won't be that much longer before I don't need to know the answers. I will have my peace and leave others wondering the same question. I've spent more than half my lifetime undone - indeed proportionately more time than I have left to leave my footprints in the sand. 


Maybe I could ask one specific question that could be answered in a lot of different ways but still end up at the same point. I would start off reminding God that all my life I have heard that we are never asked to carry any more than our shoulders can handle. I really think that I want to know when my load can be lightened so that I can begin to dance again instead of crawling under the weight of too many burdens and rejections and pain. I used to smile a lot but I forget how sometimes. I want my old self back. I guess I just feel like it is getting to be too much. Someone I see fairly frequently always starts our visits off with her standard "How you been?", after hearing my standard response of "good and bad". We both wait for the day when that will change to just good or Great! It's tough to handle sometimes, the lack of hope or perhaps better put - the fear of hope. The one thing I always used to say I had was hope...


Hope that it would get better, easier, more comfortable. 
Hope that I would understand, learn to cope, forgive. 
Hope that I would be loved, rewarded, appreciated.
Hope that at least Karma would come out to play her game.

...but hope became like a false friend that I would cling to until they let me go - to fall further down into the dark abyss. And each time I would fall a little farther, land a little harder. The bruises and pain took a little longer to recover from and each disappointment was a notch in the noose around my neck that threatened to make the next fall the last one. 

It's Just Me - Blue October

It just seems to me that some people seem to have things come so easily to them, while others struggles for the smallest reward: jobs, life, love, health, friendships. Those people who we say comes up smelling like roses and can dodge every bullet. The lucky ones, the fortunate ones. 


On behalf of all the people struggling to stay afloat, who can't see past their tears - I would ask God...Can you please lighten the weight on our shoulder for at least awhile - until we can smile easily and get stronger? 


I am not alone. It is not Just Me. It may be someone you know. Maybe until the time comes for God to answer, you can help someone with the burden they are carrying...