Broken - Seether feat. Amy Lee
Another year has passed. While all the festivities of the Christmas season and New Year celebrations are quickly becoming faded memories, my memories turn to my reflections of my sister Linda. Linda Dee Sdraulig was 10 years old when she died in 1974. Today, January 2, 2013 would have been her 49th birthday. Linda was my youngest sister and the sibling that I was closest to in the family. We had a lot in common. I'll never know if that closeness would have continued for the rest of our lives but it was an amazing relationship when we were kids. I am many things and have been saddled with many labels but fortune-teller is not one of them. There have been times over the years when I have wondered what the future would have been like. How different life would have been. Certainly the holiday celebration would be different with family visits to be covered. I remember once telling my Mom that I would live with her forever so she never had to be alone. That would mean that I would still be living in Thunder Bay, possibly.
Life holds no guarantees and every memory is another experience that has the potential for changing all your tomorrows. A chance meeting can lead you to follow a completely different road. Many people who came into my life may not have been anywhere near had my sister remained a part of my physical reality. Linda and I were very close before she died when I was 12 years old. We had a lot in common and we were each others confidant, co-conspirator, best friend and ally. I have missed having that relationship in my life. I have seen the closeness that some sisters share in their adult life and I am jealous. It was in the palm of my hand...and then in the blink of an eye it was gone.
If I had a crystal ball to peer into my life that could have been, I would want to know what Linda would have been like as a teenager. She will always be a 10 year old girl with dreams of being a famous dancer or teacher. Right before she passed away in March 1974, she won a dancing competition and was given a scholarship to dance with the National Ballet of Canada as part of a summer camp. Would this success have led to bigger and better dance pursuits or satisfied her notion of the glamour of prima ballerina? At 10, your whole life is laid before you to weave whatever tapestry strikes your fancy. You can turn any which way you choose or take a u-turn and try again. She was a conscientious girl who loved to care for her dolls, she enjoyed crocheting little beds for her toys and animals. She was helpful and caring. She would have made a great mother. I wonder how many kids she would have had, what names would she choose? Would I be a good aunt?
But more than look into the future I would want to go back into the past. If my future means that Linda is not a part of my life, I want to go back and give her one last hug to last a life time - is that even possible? I want to tell her one last time that I love her. I want to tell her how much I'll miss her. I want to hear her. I can look at pictures and remember moments in time but her sweet voice is gone forever. We didn't have video camera's like you there are today. I forget her voice. I forget the sound of her whispering secrets in my ear that made me smile. I forget the sound of her singing rhymes as we were skipping in the driveway on a summer afternoon without a care in the world. I forget the sound of her voice as it echoed within the walls of a snow fort we just built, pretending it was our home as we sat on the snow chairs that were molded to our snowsuit clad bums. Watching the cold frosty air escape our mouths as we pondered life.
The memories like pictures are there but it is a silent movie forever frozen in time like the walls of the snow fort. The reel goes around and around like an elastic band and it's okay, I have had a long time to accept the reality of my loss. What scares me is that the rubber band will snap with degradation that occurs over time and that not just her voice will be wiped from my memory but her 10 year old self. Forever the optimist, with the passage of time, I am every day one day closer to holding her in that long overdue embrace. Even if it is not with the earthly body that I have today.
Having someone so special in your life, I like to think is better to have for a short time than never at all. For I am who I am because I knew a beautiful young girl called Linda who impacted my life with her presence in it. The love I feel for her will never fade!
Life holds no guarantees and every memory is another experience that has the potential for changing all your tomorrows. A chance meeting can lead you to follow a completely different road. Many people who came into my life may not have been anywhere near had my sister remained a part of my physical reality. Linda and I were very close before she died when I was 12 years old. We had a lot in common and we were each others confidant, co-conspirator, best friend and ally. I have missed having that relationship in my life. I have seen the closeness that some sisters share in their adult life and I am jealous. It was in the palm of my hand...and then in the blink of an eye it was gone.
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| Newspaper pic from winning dance |
But more than look into the future I would want to go back into the past. If my future means that Linda is not a part of my life, I want to go back and give her one last hug to last a life time - is that even possible? I want to tell her one last time that I love her. I want to tell her how much I'll miss her. I want to hear her. I can look at pictures and remember moments in time but her sweet voice is gone forever. We didn't have video camera's like you there are today. I forget her voice. I forget the sound of her whispering secrets in my ear that made me smile. I forget the sound of her singing rhymes as we were skipping in the driveway on a summer afternoon without a care in the world. I forget the sound of her voice as it echoed within the walls of a snow fort we just built, pretending it was our home as we sat on the snow chairs that were molded to our snowsuit clad bums. Watching the cold frosty air escape our mouths as we pondered life. The memories like pictures are there but it is a silent movie forever frozen in time like the walls of the snow fort. The reel goes around and around like an elastic band and it's okay, I have had a long time to accept the reality of my loss. What scares me is that the rubber band will snap with degradation that occurs over time and that not just her voice will be wiped from my memory but her 10 year old self. Forever the optimist, with the passage of time, I am every day one day closer to holding her in that long overdue embrace. Even if it is not with the earthly body that I have today.
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| Me and Linda on the Waverly Park Fountain, Thunder Bay ON |
Having someone so special in your life, I like to think is better to have for a short time than never at all. For I am who I am because I knew a beautiful young girl called Linda who impacted my life with her presence in it. The love I feel for her will never fade!
Who You'd Be Today by Kenny Chesney
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
Wear the pain like a heavy coat
I feel you everywhere I go
I see your smile, I see your face
I hear your laugh' in the rain
I still can't believe you're gone
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Would you see the world
Would you chase your dreams
Settle down with a family
I wonder what would you name your babies
Somedays the sky's so blue
I feel like I can talk to you
And I know it might sound crazy
It ain't fair you died too young
Like a story that had just begun
But death tore the pages all away
God knows how I miss you
All the hell that I've been through
Just knowing, no one could take your place
Sometimes I wonder, who you'd be today
Today, Today, Today...
Today, Today, Today...
Sunny days seem to hurt the most
I wear the pain like a heavy coat
The only thing that gives me hope
Is I know, I'll see you again someday
(Love the lyrics and the sentiment)
Who You'd Be Today - Kenny Chesney
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