Today Is My Mothers' Day!

Ronald McDonald Clock - Dan Gleeson

If the YouTube link doesn't show up, this link with get you there Ron Sdraulig - McDonald Clock

Side Note: 
I have never met Dan Gleeson but he has through his words and music told a beautiful tale of the life of my brother. I share it in a story about my mother for the obvious familial reasons but also because it was a mothers love for her only son that impelled her to let him go far enough to experience the compassion and kindness of others through the Big Brothers Program. In this way, the piece of music speaks volumes about the kind of mother Livia Sdraulig was. She was a young mother who was widowed at the age of 24 and left with 4 children to raise between the ages of 3 years and 2 months old. And she did not only succeed but she jumped so high over the bar that I couldn't even dream that I could reach it. Who I am today is because of her. My morals and values, my parenting style, my personality, my character, my compassion...all her (and my dad). Genetics too, you know :)

I have to add that I am so deeply moved by the actions of the man that I want to share with everyone. It's too much for me to contain within my own soul. 

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Today is my Mothers Day, it is her birthday. She would be 73 if she had lived. She died at 34 instead. As many milestones as she missed of mine, I missed as many of hers. 

MY MOM - LIVIA SDRAULIG

In the past few weeks, I have been unfortunate to become aware of two deaths in families that were close to me, and they both got me thinking of my mother in two different contexts. In one instance it was the parent of a very good friend. He was likely close to the age of my Mom and initially I thought how great it would be to have them around that long to see them age, grow old and become grandparents. But with advanced age, can also come illness and dementia  Dealing with either of those options in a loved one is beyond my realm of comprehension. In my mind, my Mom is a perfect angel who never aged or had so much as a deep line on her face - except for the worry lines on her forehead she claimed that the four of us kids gave her.  But then again with maturity, I never got the opportunity to know my mom as a person. Her likes and dislikes. Her dreams and hopes. The other instance was the husband of a woman with whom she had spent more than 50 years married too. It made me wonder how it might have been for my Mom having Dad with her all that time in the earthly dimension. What occurred to me - like a slap in the face - was that I have never had anyone remain a part of my life for more than 25 years. These time frames simply boggle my mind. It's incomprehensible to me. Like saying Blue to someone who has never had the gift of vision.

The question that nags at me - is it easier to cope and deal with the death of a loved one early in life or later? Certainly for the majority of us the answer would be never, if we had a choice, but we don't have that option. I don't really think there is an answer, at least not that I can answer. I think you would have to experience both ways to understand, but I have compiled some pros and cons for both scenarios. 

If a parent dies when you are very young, you really don't know what you are missing as time passes. You have no frame of reference to compare what it is supposed to be like. It is your new normal and you deal with it because you have no other choice. That can be a real positive thing. If you never had it, it is harder to miss. Like a child born without the ability to walk. Your reality is sitting on the sidelines watching others run from a distance. All your life, you will feel different from your peers and society's perception of what family is supposed to be. In some respect you will always be mourning and most definitely alone. The holidays like Christmas, your birthday, their birthday will always be hard and you can't escape or hide. And along those lines, is the fact that there are too many anniversaries and days to augment the pain. The date of death, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, Grandparents Day. Looking at photographic memories that they should have been a part of like a school graduations, wedding, birth of a grandchild. The list goes on. But while it can be said that not knowing what you are missing can be a blessing, it can also be a curse because you will always be wondering "What if?"

But if you are one of the "lucky" ones to have your parent(s) around for most of your life time you may not appreciate being considered lucky when they do pass on. While the case may be made that you were fortunate enough to have had a generation or two to get to know them as people, there is certainly that much more to miss. It would be infinitely harder to adjust to a new way of living after having them around to share decades of traditions. The first years have to be particularly difficult trying to break old habits. Picking up the phone to call them, to invite them, to share with them. And there would be so many reminders of them everywhere. So many pictures, so many times for their names to come up in conversation, recalling moments in life with casual conversation. I am sorry but I would be willing to give that pain a spin around the block just to try it out. 

I recognize that it is hard to break a lifelong habit. But I have to say that I would rather have the precious memories to hold onto rather than the blank slate that only my imagination can fill. But that's just me. 

It's a Man's World

With Arms Wide Open - Creed

"Well I don't know if I'm ready

To be the man I have to be

I'll take a breath, I'll take her by my side

We stand in awe, we've created life"

There was a time when my children came home from school on the Friday before Fathers day with hand-made gifts and cards meant for Dad and addressed to me. Now, I don't know if it was a good or bad thing that my children thought of me as a mother and a father. How was I like a father? Is it because I was the bread-winner, the disciplinarian? I have no idea. I don't know what it really means to be a father. In fact, I am probably the last person in the world to write anything about fathers. Particularly anything in praise of the vocation of fatherhood. My own father died when I was 2 years old and there was never a substitute that came into my life until my Grandfather took on the role. However at the age of 12 he was still to me a grandfather and I rejected him as a father figure. I felt a stronger connection and love from a man I knew virtually nothing about. His departure was not his choice. 


The same can be said about the father of my children. Living with me, in some ways, he had it made. I however needed to be a wife and a woman as well as a mother and homemaker. So I asked him to leave. So again, not his choice. But the difference was that he chose to make his disappearance 24/7/365. That I cannot comprehend. How does a man walk away on his own flesh and blood with no provocation. I suppose it could be compared to a child being turned over to be adopted by someone more fitting than themselves. That would be hard enough to do at birth, but after 8 years of living with and raising someone. Hell, I couldn't do that to a dog - let alone my own babe born of love. For today no matter what I think of the person - at one time I believed the feeling to be mutual love and respect. But the loser in all of it is not the children in this case...it is the sperm donor...for that is all he is to them. By his choice, not anything I have said. I chose the higher road and let him dig his own grave. I did not need to bash him or any other man to prove a point. For not all men are him. 


With my eyes open, I saw other men who were awesome fathers. One of the best, wasn't a father at all. He was the best example of a man. He took every great quality of a father, man and friend and shared it with someone who needed to see it and experience it. He was a Big Brother with the Big Brothers/Big Sisters Organisation - he was a volunteer. He came into our life at a time that my sons own father was idolized in his eyes. Brian showed my son what it meant to be a real man and a husband. Brian didn't have children of his own and I didn't personally do a background check on him, but I do know that he had a stable family life and good parental role models himself. What I thought and knew about Brian didn't matter very much because I saw what he was giving to my son. I don't know what they talked about over the years, just where they were going and what activities they were taking part in. I used the time that my son was with Brian to spend some girl time with my daughter. We got together with Brian and his wife for birthdays, Christmas and summer BBQ's. They were both great people and I was thrilled to have them in our lives. My son was all of 12 years old and barely reached Brian's shoulder when they first met. Recently we had the opportunity to get together again and 10 years later the relationship between them has blossomed from man-boy to man-man and my son towers over him. The mutual admiration they have for each other is a blessing to see. Brian is the best example I know of the best a man can be. 


But I don't think that anyone knows the measure of a man more than Burger King with KFC running a close second. Ah yes...the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And to that end, Burger King is poised to launch the Bacon Sundae. You read it right - a Bacon Sundae. A salty-sweet dessert comprised of soft vanilla ice cream swirled with both fudge and caramel sauces, sprinkled with crumbled bacon and served with a full strip of bacon for dipping. While my stomach turns with the thought of the grease and fat, the men are rushing to get in line. Burger King has long been known as the purveyor of calorie bombs for the male species unconcerned about nutritional quality. In fact shortly after some bad publicity surrounding it's sky high calorie and cholesterol counts in some of the main menu items, it suddenly seemed a lot harder to locate the "home of the whopper" in the suburbs. New healthy fare hit the neon billboards and for a time the image was changing. The bacon sundae has shot all that hard work all to hell. Somehow I don't see the physically conscious 20-30 something male rushing over for a bucket of calories to add to their 6-pack abs. Or you can keep your toned body for eternity in a box after chowing down on the heart attack in a wrapper - Run on over to KFC for their Double Down which boasts a mere 540 calories and 1,700 mg of sodium, don't forget to add a large beverage and french fried artery cloggers. It's a good time to be a man!


I feel sorry for men. They sometimes seem to get the short end of the stick. In custody battles, the court favours the women. In many communities there are womens' shelters and groups abound to service the needs of women. To be fair, the fulcrum is still not dead center when it comes to balance among the genders and women have a long way to go to achieve equality in most areas. Qualities revered in men are still frowned upon in women like strength and perseverance. On the other hand, most men struggle with the expression of emotions or admittance of problems they may not be able to solve for themselves. I am glad to see that men are willing to admit that they aren't perfect and I wait for the day when women don't have to be either. The media that bombards us daily perpetrates the gender specific roles and qualities. The television is chock full of commercials for womens' products - shoes, clothes, beauty, personal. But truth be told, with the svelte models hocking the products, the commercials probably appeal more to the male viewers. Much like Victoria's Secrets. While we may feel good wearing their products, the men reap the benefits of our heightened self-esteem. Except for a few Calvin Klien ads, the same is not true when roles are reversed.  


I for one continue to appreciate the man for his differences as much a for his similarities. I may not have had a lot of positive experiences with the man as a father but I know there are good ones out there and I appreciate you sight unseen for I have been privvy to your efforts. I know some of your children.  Most men can be fathers, not all men can be Dad's! So for all the earthly Dad's and the ones gone on to another realm...Happy Dad's Day! 


For all the people like me who took on both parental roles either by choice or circumstance, maybe we should start a new celebration in keeping with the changing face of the family in the new generation. The acceptance of same-sex marriages is growing and many included children. The typical family is becoming a thing of the past. So for the first time ever...I wish you all a very happy Non-gender Specific Parental Role Model Day!

Non-Gender Specific Parental Role Model Day!