Cancer - My Chemical Romance
And in the blink of an eye another year has passed. And as I mark yet another anniversary of profound loss, I want to focus on what can be done so others may not have to feel the pain. I don't wallow in self-pity. It is what it is. If I could change it I would but I have had a few years to adjust and cope with my loss. I wasn't always alone. It just seems like a lifetime. I came from a large family. There were 6 of us and counting when my Dad passed away unexpectedly, and in the decades that followed everyone else went away also. The last to go was my brother Ron Sdraulig. Ron was 21 years old on June 4 1984 when he muttered my name and gasped his last breath. I was glad to be with him to offer comfort (I hope) and to see for myself that his transition onto the next journey was peaceful. It was, but 29 years later when I think about that night I still hurt a lot. His biggest fear before he died was my mental state - it's a good thing that his physical being wasn't here in the past two years because he would have kicked my ass. Or maybe we would have together kicked some ass before I could be beaten down. Truth be told, less than a month ago I was preparing to join him. And then something happened to renew my hope that it was worth the fight. I may have a halo of angels floating around my head but even they aren't always strong enough to keep me standing on my feet while I am getting sucker punched. Fortunately my stubbornness reminded me that it's "Never Too Late"
When Ron passed, the official cause of death was noted as Heart Failure. I read that as a broken heart - a young man who had lived a decade fighting for his life alone when all he wanted was the support of his mom in his time of sickness. The Mom who had been there by his hospital bedside, holding his hand during painful treatments and their side effects, who listened to the prognosis and made the decisions. Ron battled Hodgkin's Lymphoma from the age of 9 when the first goose-egg sized lump appeared on his neck like an unwanted gift the day after Christmas. And so many recurrences and illnesses that followed after she was taken in a car accident when he was just 11 years old. I was a kid myself and didn't understand but I do remember the recurrence in his groin and the tumour that appeared his head far from the lymph nodes. And in between the cancer operations, radiation and chemotherapy, there were spinal taps and a severe and painful bought of shingles. You really don't know what you have when you have your health. A pain-free day for him was filled with worry of what the next day would bring. I didn't support him emotionally then - I was an angry kid, making unwise decisions about my own life and unmindful of Ron's struggles. I was just a year older than Ron - I can regret my selfishness now but I would rather focus on the positive. Sneaking in to see him when we were told that it was dangerous (for me) and sitting on his bed laughing. About what, I don't remember - but for just a moment he forgot pain and laughed. It's all that mattered then. Just like being there awash with tears to tell him I love you the very last time June 4, 1984.
In 1972, cancer was not very common, especially in the young. Certainly not like it is today. The only thing I know is that while the population of Canada did not double between 1987 and 2012, the chance of a Canuck being diagnosed with cancer has doubled. I want to know why. It seems that everything causes cancer. Back in the day, Ron and I had an interesting discourse about cancer risks. Of course it can't be argued that smoking in any way is good for you, but even then, more additives were put into the commercial cigarette compared to the time when if you wanted to smoke you got a bag of tobacco and rolled your own. Certainly there were many people that we knew who smoked and never got cancer, what was the difference? To my mind, the nasty brownish-yellow acrid foul-tasting smoke coming from the stakes of the local paper mills and enveloping the surrounding neighbourhoods was far worse to inhale then commercial tobacco. And indeed working in the mills certainly presented health concerns. Somewhere in my files I have two articles that I set aside to prove my point in the next debate. One article stated that caffeine consumption was proven to cause cancer. Not a month later there was an article from the same newspaper that claimed caffeine prevented cancer. And these days you could drive yourself batty trying to keep up with all the do's and don'ts.
There wasn't a kid who grew up in the 1960's - 1980's that didn't drink from one garden hose or another. We were out playing all day long. To go inside the home for a drink of water meant that we might be caught and forced to stay in and do homework or some other distasteful chore. The hose was the go to - we never thought we were contributing to our own demise by partaking in the sharing of the hose fountain. If anything, being allowed to be kids may have strengthened our immunity and permitted us to be healthier. There was no toxic soup being used on the grass we played leap frog on. Homes were cleaned with chemical baths and disinfected to the point of sterilisation. And perhaps most importantly the food we ingested was not genetically modified and filled with chemicals and antibiotics. It was a healthier time and our bodies reacted to that. We are simply not built to fight off all the toxins that we are exposing ourselves to. And in our paranoia and attempt to cleanse we are killing off the good germs and at the same time creating super bugs that we can't kill to protect ourselves.
I'm not a scientist and not the first person to tout this vein of thinking but, I believe that the incidence of breast cancer in women has gone up as women entered the business world and working more frequently outside of the home. It's not the work itself that's the problem it is the deodorant that they are using. Our bodies are magnificent machines that left alone can work trouble free for a lifetime. Yes, I see the irony there - but bear with me a moment. We blink without thought and it cleanses and protects our eyes, we sneeze on reflex to rid our respiratory system of an irritant. When we ingest something that is not good for us, for the most part they are expelled one way or the other. My mother used to say that if God put it there, there was a reason for it and unless it was absolutely necessary - it wasn't being removed. Of course this was the era of commonplace tonsillectomies. (Yes, I have my tonsils.) The point is that our bodies are meant to sweat and when we use a product to block the sweat glands where does the sweat (ammonia, urea, sugar and salt) go? Sweat itself does not smell - the reaction of the sweat with the bacteria on the body makes the smell. Yes, for some people it is a medical condition. For most of us, we don't have an issue with excessive sweat - we use it because years of effective marketing has convinced us that we must. So did our middle school hygiene/gym teachers. It is hard to find and more expensive but do yourself a favour (men and women) and buy deodorant instead of anti-perspirant. Unless you know you have the gene that has been identified as causing breast cancer like Angelina Jolie does.
Part of it is smart living. Watching how many chemically engorged processed foods we eat, being aware of genetically modified fruits and vegetables. I'm not an organic eater or a radical hippie, live off the land type. Just trying to be aware and not paranoid. It's a moderation thing when it comes to food. Too much coffee, diet soda, fried foods, beer is not good for you. But like the occasional glass of wine it won't kill you and life is about the enjoyment. Most of my family was killed in car accidents but rarely a day goes by when I don't get into a car. I try to be a safe driver and I'm aware of assholes on the road but I won't stop driving because it can kill you.
So how did that discourse with my brother so many years ago end. Well, with a few tears and sand bags of sadness weighing on our shoulders we decided that everyone has cancer cells in them. For some the cancer is triggered by saccharine, by others caffeine, for others it will remain forever unknown. There are a lot of people who smoke and haven't contracted lung cancer. George Burns smoke and drank his whole life that ended after he turned 100. My brother never smoke or drank before beginning the fight for life at 9 years of age. And for the critics, it was pre-dominantly a smoke free home.
It is my goal to do what I can so that my brother did not die in vein. I try to keep his memory alive through my writing and spreading the word of his life story. I am also a part of a sibling study being conducted at the Mayo Clinic in Rochester. I was approached many years ago, my part in it is minimal - I provide medical information on myself and my children and submit the occasional saliva sample and I've allowed them access to Ron's medical files. One thing that they have discovered is that many who were treated for childhood cancers where given treatments that their tiny bodies could not handle and they often succumbed from heart failure because of it. Like Ron did.
Although in his case I suspect their was much more to it. The doctor at the time of his death said that "in a sense, Ron committed suicide because he had given up the will to live and had refused treatments in the recent past". It is true that Hodgkin's Lymphoma is considered to be one of the most curable cancers. Even in 1984 the doctor said to me that with treatment Ron could have lived another 10 years. By then, with the advances in medicine he would have had another 10 years. Be it what it is, he had fought for more than 10 years - mostly alone and he was tired. I get that! Now more than I ever have in my life. I get it! Ron was and will always be my hero. He cared about me more than he cared about his own future. He put himself in harms way to save my life when he returned to a fully-engulfed burning car to pull me to safety. He loved me when I was not lovable. 