If I Was a Boat

Welcome to My Life - Simple Plan

I used to think that it if I was a boat on the water and wind got knocked out of my sails, I would still be able to stay a float and survive. But I've had to many holes bashed through my hull and the repairs are wearing thin. I'm not so confident anymore. The wood is rotting and the facade is fading. The stormy seas tossing me about the waves are precipitated by my tears falling like a spring storm churning up the water and my emotions at the same time.

I have always been an optimist. I tried to see the bright side and look for the good. Even when I was being kicked, I could admire the shoes of my punisher. But it is getting harder to do that. The patterns of the soles are etched in my own soul. The depth of the scar is getting to be too much to bear.

Life shouldn't have to be a fight everyday. Wondering what next. Wondering where that alleged karma is. Wondering what you did that was so wrong that you only start to see the end of the tunnel and then someone lengthens the tunnel and puts out the light. And if good things happen to good people, what did I do that was so wrong that I pissed off everyone and revenge is being served like a hundred lashes designed to bring me down as soon as I stand. Damn! 



Statistics. I was going to do some research into the odds of someone likely to experience these trials but on every site there was a link off to the side for the newly diagnosed and I closed the tab faster than I can suck in all the surrounding air. My doctor said she had never heard of a similar experience. It was a double-whammy. 

It's like this. In November (2013) a routine mammogram resulted in an abnormality being spotted. I was told that this is not a particularly unusual occurrence, but it didn't do much for my already heightened depressive state. I tried to remain positive because it was just a shadow that the professionals wanted to shine a light on. Nothing to worry about. 

However, there seemed to be a bit of an urgency to the scheduling of the second mammogram at the Breast Health Clinic at the hospital that had me on a brief fatalistic alert but the optimist took over and I walked in with a face of confidence. The pictures are taken and I am told to wait while the radiologist takes a look. Sitting in that room with 8 others (plus most had partners with them) I felt alone and real fear began to make an appearance. Before my test and during my wait I watched so many of them come and go. Their simple second look turned out okay and they were allowed to go. I hoped the same would be true for me. But no.

I became a statistic when I was one of the rare ones that warranted an additional diagnostic analysis with an ultrasound. Anxiety hit the roof and I had myself dead and buried. Lying on that bed, I remembered the last ultrasound I had. Circumstances were happier then and I tried to focus on that - pregnancies a quarter of a century previously. Those tests brought joy and I hoped for the same now. The technician was satisfied in her reading of the results that it would be okay. But had to take the results to the radiologists, in case she read it differently. When that radiologists walked in to do the test herself I lost it emotionally. Tears fell silently down my cheeks as hope was washed away. The conclusion of the test brought no additional hope when the radiologist said she thought she was looking at a cyst but wanted to go one step further in the diagnostics. To be sure. A core biopsy would be scheduled for the new year. Christmas could be a time for peace. Results would be harder to get with people taking time off. 

The walk home, I tried to hold on to her optimism. She couldn't possibly go around giving people false hope. She said she was confident it was nothing. I kept repeating her words to comfort myself. Try as I might I couldn't hold on and slipped further under the cloak of sadness. I must have looked a fright as I walked down the street sobbing, tears blocked my vision and I walked blindly on. The ocean was a few blocks ahead of me. I didn't trust myself to go that far. 

Christmas became a time of joyful reunion with my kids. It seemed like a lifetime since I had seen them. The weather threatened delays and cancellations when I needed some face to face time to share this news with the people who mattered most. My children needed to know what was going on from the horse's mouth. I needed to see them so I could gauge their reaction and deal with it. We clung to the radiologists optimism and hope was renewed. 

I'm not going to share all the details of the core biopsy to save the squeamish, because it is not a pleasant experience when put to words. But the reality is that as with any medical (or dental) procedure, the freezing sucks for just a moment and the rest is less daunting. For me, it was a longer mammogram in an uncomfortable position listening to soothing voices tell me what was going on and a "snap" that reminded me of my construction stapler. I couldn't see the instruments but I thought this a good thing. In reality, both arms were above my head and the tears flowed unrestrained. There was only one thing that stopped my chest for heaving in conjunction with the uncontrolled sobs - a medical vice. It never occurred to me at the time, but I sure didn't want to screw up the test results and have instruments probe where they shouldn't. I think it was okay, because both the radiologist and the doctor were shocked by the pool of tears that collected on the bed sheets. 

The wait for the results to come back from the pathologist was far worse than the procedure. I was afraid to hear the news. And I was angry too. I thought I had done all the right things as preventative measures and this was like my body had let me down. A betrayal by my breast friends. 

I swear that both the doctor and I breathed a collective sigh of relief when she could share the news a week later that the pathologist report came back and it was clean. Suddenly I sat a little straighter in the chair. The weight of doom was off my shoulders. Such a scare is often followed up with more frequent mammograms. Bring it on - I can take it. Calling my children with the good news was a highlight and we all smiled a little brighter.

Goodnight Elisabeth - Counting Crows

And I thought that appointment date for the next mammogram was the reason I was hearing from my doctor when she called early in the week (Monday Feb 24). But I sensed hesitation. "I didn't want to tell you this on the phone" is not a good sign. Against all the odds, and more than a month of feeling safe and the gauntlet was dropped on me again. A fight for the retention of both my sanity and health was to begin anew. The radiologist/technician/doctor gave the all clear and were confident that the samples were taken from the correct location. The pathologist gave the samples an all clear but was not confident that the said samples came from the area of concern. So I have two choices. 

Another core biopsy was scheduled for weeks' end, or I could take my chances and wait for 6 months and see what the follow up mammogram shows. Stress for a week and wait a week for results or freak out for 6 months wondering if I am dying. Yes, it's fatalistic - but it's not like the odds have been in my favour up until this point. I've fallen on the wrong side of the tracks ever step along the way. 

It was just a fluke that my daughter happened to call during the day while she was on her work break and caught me emotional just after hanging up with the doctor. I had to tell her, the nightmare was to be repeated. Woman to woman this is hard because we put ourselves in those shoes. We've all worn shoes that were uncomfortable and sometime hurt and made us bleed. United in the sisterhood of beautiful breasts that made us women.

I couldn't bear that my son should find out this latest set back when I wasn't in a rational place to discuss it. I didn't want him to worry but he seems to have this weird 6th sense when it comes to knowing when something is up with me. He'd find out and it would be better coming from me when I was still coherent. For the numbing effects of alcohol would soon prevail.

Leading up to the appointment yesterday (Friday, Feb 28) I spent some time in contemplation and reflection. That's just a sugar-coated way of saying depressed, anxious and fearful. I don't cope with stress the way I used to. These days I hide in my shell and try to protect myself from any more harm. I know I shouldn't, but feeling alone and lonely by yourself is better than feeling it surrounded by people who can't feel or see your pain. I already feel like a freak, I don't need the world to remind me of it. 

There was a certain resignation that came the morning of the appointment. I was numb. There weren't a lot of tears left to shed. Do what you have to do to leave me be. The technician knew my past history, (was she the same one from before?) she was kind as she explained the procedure again. She drew pictures to explain so I could focus on those along with her words. It was like I hadn't heard the instructions before. The procedure was similar, with more discomfort than I remembered and a chill that went straight to my core (no pun intended). I was prepared with extra tissues to collect the tears but the exposed positioning of my body didn't allow me to use them for more than an object to squeeze with stress. But as I said, there simply weren't a lot of tears left to flow. 



The logical part of my brain is telling me that I will survive this last crisis whatever the outcome of the tests - at least not by my own undoing. The emotional part of my brain isn't sure I want to fight anymore for even another breathe. In the end it was the words of the technician/nurse that I cling to. In a very subtle but meaningful way, she let me feel less alone at the moment by letting me know she understood because she had experienced the procedure herself and more importantly as I left her parting words were "now you can tell them to leave you alone."

Because that's all I ever wanted...to be left alone and in peace. It is hard for me to share the shadows in the closet and to give light to the darkness of my mind. There are a lot of ghosts in there that are frightening. 

It is getting increasingly hard to keep healing the hurt. But even if broken, I shall continue to try and stand on my own, even if I can no longer fly.


Thanks to all the supporters who could read through my cryptic words and know I needed to hear they cared. I love you all. 


Previous posts on this subject and experience:

http://pinkpantherfancanada.blogspot.ca/2013/12/the-flames-of-hell-are-nipping-at-my.html
http://pinkpantherfancanada.blogspot.ca/2013/12/pancake-no-syrup-round-two_19.html

The Flames of Hell Are Nipping at my Heels

Waltzing Along - James

May your eyes be opened by the wonderful

I have to say that this really sucks. Two steps forward and one step backwards. I am trying to remain positive about this latest news that has been delivered to crush my soul, however right now the only thing that is running through my head is that I am positive that I am tired of continually falling into the abyss. Quite frankly, I don't know how many more times I can claw my way out since the worn footholds are getting smooth and I am slipping.

I thought I was being proactive, I booked an appointment with my doctor for my annual physical. There is always a bit of dread there because we have heard so many times via the media about silent killers. I was not completely convinced I want to know about these murderous evils lurking in wait to off me. But that is irrational since medical advancements have led to many satisfactory outcomes if the little devils haven't gotten to far in their destruction. So to that end I agreed to the invasive probing and promised to book for preventative screening. If was just a fluke that when I called to book for my mammogram they happened to have a cancellation December 3rd. Panicked, I took it knowing that with fewer than 4 full days to fret I would be more likely to keep the stress at bay. I know people who have waited months for these appointments so I guess I felt kind of lucky. 

I know what these appointments are like. I've had one done before, although I can't remember when or why. It may have been in my 20's. It was definitely long before mammogram and breast cancer became familiar words in the news and media. I assume that my doctor at the time found something abnormal in the routine breast exam or I had some complaint. I don't remember that but I recall the pain. Fortunately it only lasts very briefly. 

Trying to remember the details of that first pancaking of my breasts was at the forefront of my mind as I sat in the clinic waiting for my turn. The technician explained the procedure and then had me disrobe from the waist up. The machine has changed since I last saw the beast. Double whammy for both breasts. One top to bottom squish and a second side to side. Fortunately the machine plates move and you don't have to. Wandering around topless at my age is not a fun prospect even if the only other person is a professional technician. 

The screening clinic was in the local mall so being close to Christmas I put it out of my mind and did some shopping. I felt good that I did something positive about taking care of me. 

I guess the last thing you imagine is that you will be one of those people who get the ABNORMAL grade. It was a positive conversation that I was having with my doctor. The date was 11.12.13 - it was touted as a day of good fortune. Things were finally looking up for me and I was feeling hopeful. The look on her face changed when she reached for the paper after I had told her about my quick mammogram appointment. Her face said it all before I heard her words. I failed the test. My body had turned against me and betrayed me. There is something there that isn't supposed to be. I have to go for more testing. And although there is nothing to worry about the tests are next week. Pretty quick if it's nothing to worry about. I am grateful that my timely appointment meant that she could tell me about it rather than being alone to see the death sentence. It seems I will be getting a similar letter in the mail advising of the results and appointment times. If I don't get the mail, if I don't open the letter, can I pretend that this isn't real?

I think I was in shock. I went for the rest of my appointments and finished my errands. But as I drove home it was like driving in a blinding rain storm. I couldn't see for the tears running down my face and clouding my eyes. I've never been one to feel sorry for myself but damn I was mad. This isn't fair. 

The one thing that kept running through my mind was that saying "What doesn't kill us, makes us stronger." Dear God, it wasn't meant as a fucking challenge. People keep telling me (much to my chagrin) that I am strong. Clearly I have reached my limit there since I snapped like a whip, cracked like an egg, broke like branch, shattered like crystal nearly 3 years ago. With no strength left to be had, maybe my limit has been reached. Maybe my time on the earth's parking meter is expired.

So forgive me, but I am having a lot of trouble coming to terms with this news and remaining positive. In my head, I am preparing for the worst. I don't want to touch myself, I am afraid that if I find the offending mass I'll cut it out myself. I don't want to look, because all I see is a deformed me. My breasts were the one thing I liked about myself and now they have turned against me. For all the flaws, I was able to find some positive somewhere and that lay in part on my chest. Changed with age but still a part of my body I could like.

To continue in a changed way. 

A friend often says he is not a great catch but what he forgets is that he is already caught and everyday that he wakes up, there is someone who loves him unconditionally and forever. He was loved when he liked himself before and now when he aged and changed. He talks physical attributes and forgets that he is so much more - I see it. Others see it. He needs better glasses. 

I have never known that devotion. He is lucky. 

A fisherman will see beauty in a large mouth bass. Your average person will look past the scaly skin and bones and appreciate and savour what's inside. But nobody wants a clown fish except for a good laugh. 

Knowing that someone loves you for who you are can make all the difference in the world. And the doctor asked, is there anyone that can go with you to the appointments. And I saw a video that was posted about the guy who dressed in a pink tutu and took pictures of himself to send to his wife to make her smile while she was undergoing treatment. And I'm tired. I don't want to go through this alone or with anyone else. I don't want this to be my reality.  And although it may be a little premature and fatalistic, I don't need another scar. For the strikes against me have put me out of the game a long time ago. 

Hope is gone and although the plate is full, it's brussel sprouts and liver that nobody wants. Not even me.