Under the Dirt Sky

Wreck On The Highway - Bruce Springsteen

Remembering: 

Dante Sdraulig (my dad)

Livia Sdraulig (my Mom)

Sandra Sdraulig (my sister)

Ron Sdraulig (my brother)

Linda Sdraulig (my sister)

Recently the concept of justice and deservedness (is that even a word) seems to come up an awful lot in the course of casual conversation. If I wanted to fight for justice or what I deserved I would have to look back some 40 odd years or even more to bitch and complain about an injustice that is unparallelled and can never be corrected. The day my life as I knew it changed forever - the day my mother and sisters died. Today is the anniversary of that event, March 21st, 1974.


My dad dying was equally life-changing but not in a way that I can comprehend. I was way too young and although I understand that life would have been different with two parents in the house, I don't know what that means. It was even more so different for us because of the circumstances of my Dad's death. Trying to get justice and avenge his death meant that my Mother was embroiled in a lengthy and costly lawsuit that consumed much of her time and a lot of her mentally. As my Dad was laid to rest in Peace so too did my Mom want peace. But it was elusive and came at what ultimately was too high a cost. For years she fought the system. She fought and clawed her way to the Supreme Court of Canada. But she fought for nothing. She put her faith in the support system she had behind her. Her parents and worst of all the professionals. The lawyer - Alfred PETRONE and his antics worthy of a place in the Cartoon Hall of Fame (as opposed to the Halls of Justice) lost the law suit for my mother. In punishing the unprofessionalism of the lawyer, the judge in fact punished my family. A lifetime of struggles ensued, including financial hardships. I get it, the quest for justice consumes your life. I get it, I am there. I can't calculate the cost I have paid in physical property, and mental stability. And I have my mothers legacy to draw strength from. She didn't have that luxury. 


So, what if Dad was around - most assuredly, he would have been an emotional support to Mom and a financial one as well. I raised children as a single parent without financial or emotional support also and I know it isn't easy. But, Mom had a career that by all accounts should have afforded her a lifestyle of some comfort. She was an educated professional and graduate of North Bay Teachers College. To be fair, I don't know all the details of her employment. Was she working full time or part time? With the Catholic Board or the public Board? But I know they screwed her. This much I understand to be true. Mom was working and at some point requested a leave to return to university and obtain the now necessary Bachelors Degree to maintain her credentials. Many teachers at the time, continued working while taking a course or two during the school year and doing some upgrading during the summer. Whatever their reasoning, my Mom was denied this option. It is actually kind of scary thinking about that now since it is eerily one more parallel between my life and my Mothers. I once said in jest that I was living my Mothers' life. Then the validity of that statement hit me like a ton of bricks. But I digress, if Dad was with us, would we all have been in the car for that fateful trip? Would the appointment have been kept via a quick plane ride? How many different scenarios would have kept us off that highway that fateful night. 

But, it is what it is and an accident did happen and my life was turned upside down. Perhaps there was some justice in the courts in this instance. The driver of the truck was found responsible - or so I understand (I have never read the verdict from the courts). But I still don't know why. Was he drunk? High? Asleep? What is the justification for his actions? He left behind a young family and a wife - do they have a sense of guilt for his actions? They were victims of his actions as well. I was 12 years old and to be honest I didn't care at the time and put it out of my mind. Like a fact of history that you can't do anything about and eventually you simply let it go. I can sympathise with his family as much as I can sympathise with the families of those left behind in the aftermath of 9-11.  I could allow hatred or anger towards him consume by life but to what purpose? Would it change anything now? If we can time travel - I'm in, if only to stop whatever action he took that caused the accident. Until then, he is nothing to me. It's survival really. Put your energy into the fight you can win, the fight you have a hope of affecting some change. Otherwise, anger consumes you and you lose. 

I lost a lot of years of my life being consumed by anger. But it wasn't so much anger about the accident - which I couldn't control but the circumstances of my life because of the accident. Suddenly I was being molded to be someone I wasn't and overnight I became a person who wasn't good enough. That perception came from my grandmother. I felt loved and valued just as I was when my Mom walked this earth with me. It felt like everyone who thought I was okay, everyone who loved me for who and what I was walked out of my life and went to live under the dirt sky. And that sucked. It took me approximately 8 years to re-claim my life and learn that I was indeed okay. I didn't forgive my grandparents their discretions, so much as, with the wisdom of age I began to understand their motivations. All of which were twisted, selfish or simply them feeling superior to everyone else and therefore above reproach and unnecessary for them to heed the knowledge of others. That is an unforgivable offence. From them, all I can honestly say I learned is that people are not as they seem. That all sounds very harsh, but it is not random. My grandmother (like many of her Italian culture and age) favoured the male species. I was a girl who had a brother. A brother made more special in her eyes because he was sick. Double whammy for both he and I. My grandmother disliked my father and his side of the family long before my parents got married. I was a product of that union - so not as worthy from the start. I was scarred and therefore difficult to marry off to a suitable mate. Fortunately I had some very good role models who helped me to see that her thinking was warped and I was okay (or would be, once I was released from her clutches). I left a house I half owned and went on to make mistakes trying to find myself, the me that I could like.

It wasn't easy, because while I jumped over some potholes, I fell into others. A little worse for wear, I did become a little gun-shy. Meanwhile, I was gratefully re-establishing a relationship with my brother. Growing up under the rule of Nonna (Italian for grandmother), our sibling rivalry bordered on disgust. My brother received everything his heart desired before he even knew he wanted it. I fought for everything, including believe it or not, the basic necessity for a young girl - sanitary protection. I resorted to lying and stealing. I had as much disgust for myself as my brother had for me. That changed when I moved out and maturity let him see the reality and reasons for my struggles and the battles I caused. I am forever grateful for those short 4 years that allowed us to learn to love each other again. I forget the words that were spoken, the sound of his voice - but I will never forget the feeling. Because my heart holds the memories. Bottom line - after facing a lifetime of adversity and the death of my brother - I at the age of 22 re-invented myself. I left behind everyone and everything that I felt was toxic and holding me back. I stopped letting the anger consume me and decided to make the best of whatever time I had on this planet. I knew all too well that the rug could be pulled from under you without a moments notice. I ended a bad relationship, tried to remedy some bad financial decisions - new place to live, new job, new life. It worked and became a pattern I would follow several more times since then. The next time was to let go of a bad relationship that left me destitute and running off halfway across the country to start anew.
 

10 years have passed and I am at it again. I will never under the motivations of the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board and their employees which drove me to the point of preferring death over survival under their terms. I will never forgive them their transgressions. I hope that with time I will let it go and forget them. Put them out of my mind - for most assuredly I know that they don't deserve my time or consideration. I could stay and fight for justice but it is not an easy thing to do on your own. You don't know what you have when you have family that you can count on for emotional support in times of joy and sadness. Treasure them. 


But have I deserved the hand I have been dealt? Is Karma sitting at my back door waiting to bite me in the ass again for some wrong I did? What did I do at the age of two to piss Karma off so badly that I have been punished my entire life by having those I love the most leave me? It is said that the good die young - at my age I am continuing to live on - despite the repeated attempts to change this scenario. So I deserve the pain that is forcing me to leave and re-invent myself once again? Or am I left here to walk this earth for a purpose that I don't fully understand yet. It has also been said that God never gives you more than you can handle - apparently God thinks I am a linebacker with enormous shoulders to carry this weight. Deep in the heart and soul that I have dissected and scrutinised repeatedly, I know that I am not a person deserving of pain and heartache but someone who learns from the experience and helps others with the knowledge gained. That is what I will continue to do from whatever location I shall find myself in. Justice can be meted out by a court that is much higher and powerful than myself. I have peace in my heart and knowledge that I am okay. 

You Don't Have to Win the Race to Succeed!

Walls - Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers

"Some days are diamonds,

Some days are rocks

Some doors are open 

Some roads are blocked"

Karma is just an excuse people use to not exact revenge on their enemies themselves. I am not a believer in the notion of Karma as people portray it today. It seems more of a convenience. The idea of the forces of nature serving punishment for misdeeds just doesn't seem to wash most of the time.  Just once, I would like to see the a-hole who nearly runs me off the road pulled over by the cops or better still his cheek smushed up against the trunk of his car as the handcuffs are fastened and seeing me laugh as I pass him. It hasn't happened yet. Is that Karma?

If I believed in this notion of Karma then I would have to believe that a 10 year old girl did something so awful in her life that she was killed. I have to believe that a 12 year old girl did something so heinous that not only was she disfigured but her entire family was ripped from her life forever. The boy who battled cancer from the age of 9 to his untimely death at 21 was also fighting the forces of Karma. He got what he deserved? I don't think so. Karma has nothing to do with bad things happening to good people. I could write an encyclopedia of personal accounts proving this notion however. Bad things happen and it is not fair or just!

But then look at the other side of the coin and you see the bully that not only carries on with their life seemingly unscathed while at the same time thriving. Meanwhile, their victim is suffering traumatic effects of the abuse and living in fear. Karma my ass! Jeffrey Dahlmer, Ted Bundy, Clifford Olsen, Jack the Ripper. The names are familiar to us but how many of us can name one or more of their victims. Is this Karma? The beast goes on to infamy while the innocent are forgotten. Maybe some of these serial killers are thrown in jail for the rest of their lives but they still have a life (unlike their victims) and by all accounts it's pretty damn cushy. In North America anyways, all the amenities we wish for and then some that the working poor can't afford. Access to higher education, TV, clean clothes, nutritious meals, warm and safe lodgings (yes it may be a solitary existence but it is comfortable). I have known people who were incarcerated repeatedly for petty crimes just so they could rest, eat and wash free. While at the same time, law abiding citizens work two or three jobs just to make ends meet without the luxuries or free time afforded the convicts. Justice? Karma?  

A Little Food For Thought 

She says, "I know, I think I understand. Some people walk protected safe from trouble they never understand and no matter how I try, feel like sinking sand."

"I wish I was a river. A river running free, runnin' wild. I'd wrap my waves around her and carry her off long into the night."

With gratitude to the mastery and talent of Jim Cuddy - Slide Through Your Hands.

The Origins of Karma from Buddha

Buddhas law of cause and effect is called Karma and in its' simplistic form it is about the nature of our intentions. To have good Karma you must have good intentions as we are the architects of our own fate. If we do good we get good back. Buddha actually identified six intentions that drive our actions - 3 positive (kindness, compassion, generosity) and 3 negative (anger, cruelty, greed). If our intention is positive we are said to be doing karma meaning we become what we do. In spreading kindness we are kind. Similarly in acting with anger, we perpetuate anger around us. That would be bad karma.  However to create an atmosphere of understanding we want to be understood but to fully appreciate the concept, we must be misunderstood at some point. To create love we must know and understand hate and feeling of being unloved. To appreciate peace we have to understand the horror of war. To appreciate a smile we must have experienced sadness. 



In the quest to achieve good Karma, we are desiring and seeking Perfection. As nothing is truly perfect in an imperfect world, at some point we must become accepting. The goal of finding perfection for ourselves over the imperfection of humanity can easily cross the fine line over to greed and cruelty. When we seek to become better - we have to compare. Better than what? Better than whom? To be perfect ourselves we must ascribe the label of imperfect to others. That is NOT a positive intentions for our actions. 

In our hope for something better, we may not see when we already have become the best that we can achieve. Ironically, I always said something very similar to the "special" students that I worked with. All you really need to be is the best that YOU can be. You don't have to go to University or be and English scholar to be the best YOU possible. And sadly I have run into more than one university educated teacher who put themselves up on a pedestal over their students. Book learners and hands on learners are two different type of people but not one is smarter than the other. Sometime the attitude of superiority can make a person seem very stupid indeed. If you are in a wheelchair and can't run a marathon, you are not less of a person. You don't have to win the race to succeed. Don't look at the job in the fast food industry as a failure because even the University professor may "want fries with that". Think for a moment what the world would be like in no-one worked at the burger joint, if no-one dug the ditches or collected the garbage. And before we throw all the teachers under the bus - what if there were no educators? I for one, have tremendous respect for anyone who has found their calling in life and does what they do best with the attitude that says I am proud of me. 

Karma be damned. Rather than looking upon it to exact revenge upon those who have wronged us, lets use it to be accepting of our own selves and strive to be the best we can be without the comparisons. If I like and respect you for who you are, it is much harder to be cruel. If I accept you and me, I have no need to belittle you to raise myself up.

The Bottom Line     

If you do good you get good but purely in a spiritual sense. A feeling deep within ourselves, but you have to have a conscience to know this. I live my life in the consideration of the good intentions because I can look myself in the mirror and like myself for the effort. If that was the goal of Buddha when the law of Cause and Effect was conceived than I have attained Karma. Certainly I see myself 10 steps behind perfection because I know my flaws, but I would prefer not to focus on your flaws for they are your own issues. 

As for the people who do me a disservice, I may briefly consider the notion of Karma exacting its revenge but I can't dwell on that for it may never come to fruition in my sight. They have to live with their own intentions without the devil me sitting on their shoulder. These though become the people I don't have the time for. I walk away from the bad vibes and negativity.  

Contrary to the teachings of Buddha however, I do not believe that we alone are the architects of our own fate. We may have a hand in it based on our actions. For example, if we commit a crime, we are likely to end up in jail. We have chosen our own fate. But the child that suffers a disease or ailment has not chosen their fate, they have not perpetrated a crime against humanity to deserve such Karma. There are other powers that be at work here. I can't explain them, I just have more and more questions. 

The good die young - but why? And if I live to be 50 or 90 when the rest of my family has passed before the age of 35 - does that mean I am bad? I can't believe in that notion or I can't live without the fear of the wrath of a supreme being raining down on me. God, Buddha, Karma or the devil himself.

"When life throws lemons at you, make Lemonade! Unless the lemons are rotten...then turn around and walk away. For there is a better orchard around the corner if you take the time to look..."

Bruised Not Broken

Not Broken - Goo Goo Dolls

I am deeply touched by the number of people who have reached out to try and take my hand and guide me from the dark abyss that I have stumbled into. I heard your phone messages and they left a lump in my throat listening to the concern in your voices. I read your messages with glassy eyes clouded with tears. My mind still feels as though I am surrounded by a think fog. 


I don't know how to reach out to someone in a time of need. There have been times that I tried and was soundly rejected or abused for my weakness. It is different when those that you reach out to are the family who bore you and love you unconditionally. Or even those partners who have come into your life to stick by you through thick and thin. Like it or not, my reality is that for the past nearly 40 years I have fended for myself and had no one to rely on but myself for emotional and financial support. Save for those brief personal relationships that left me wondering why? So, in times of darkness and despair I turn inward. I shut out anyone trying to get in and put myself in my own place of safety. There is only one person that I can count on to help me and that is me. My safety is behind my wall that I built to shield myself from pain. The people who were sent to ensure my personal safety didn't understand that being with other people doesn't instill a sense of security for me but a feeling of supreme loneliness. I am not so stupid as to assume that I am the only person who has ever experienced loss of family but the difference I see is the absence of support afterwards. Hindsight truly does have 20/20 vision. But I can't go back in time and change who I have become and how I cope with my reality. 

Looking back, it is funny how quickly I can let go of my need for solitude as soon as I feel like I am accepted. Perhaps the need is so great that I open myself up too quickly and leave myself vulnerable but that is one for the psychiatrists couch. Hell, who am I kidding - I already know that I do that, the psychiatrist would only help in changing the behaviour not identifying it. Due to the loss of family at such a young age, there are under-lying attachment issues. I am afraid I will be left alone. I am worried that I won't be liked. Social phobia would be the proper text book title. Although paradoxically with just the inkling of acceptance and I run blindly in. Sometimes I trip, sometimes I am tripped. Perhaps I am a sucker for punishment or simply that eager to share my life with someone but I never quit playing that game. It's a challenge and one that I welcome.


I possess an unabashedly optimistic view on the goodness of people. I have a faith born of the teachings of the Catholic Church and the morality instilled upon me as a child and the adult belief in Karma. Put it all together and I steadfastly believe that what goes around comes around and that I don't need to seek revenge to avenge my character. The Golden Rule states: "Do unto others as you would have done unto you". That is wonderful in theory except, I followed the rule and came across a whole lot of people who under the shroud of Catholicity did the opposite. I couldn't treat a sewer rat the way that I was treated.


There are a lot of problems with this mindset. First and foremost, with respect to Karma. What the hell did my family do to deserve the sadness and tragedy endured? While pedophiles are free to live amongst us with the protection of anonymity and financial freedom provided by the government. Secondly, what did I do to deserve the treatment I received at the hands of my employer the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board to be specific. People abusing their positions as educators are left in classrooms to warp the minds of the children they are entrusted to care for. Teachers who couldn't spell ABC are evaluating your children and then going on to tell them that the Great Wall of China was torn down. "Heels" was likely in an early morning drunken stupor when she confused the Berlin Wall with the Great Wall - my god, I am still making excuses for her ineptness. But the lowly employee had to sit there and listen to the poison filling the impressionable minds and say nothing. For she was the stupid one - she is I. But for everything they said, they could never fault my work ethic. I was threatened with bodily harm by students - nothing was done. I brought the abuse of drugs and alcohol within the school walls to the attention of the principal - nothing was done. My utmost concern was for the education and well-being of the students - I complied with everything that was requested of me. They couldn't attack me professionally, so they attacked my character. They are the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board and they are bullies who don't know the first thing about practicing what they preach. 



The real kick in the pants is that while I once sat in the drivers seat of the bus running down the road of my life, now I sit in the back...in the shitter! It stinks! We all want some control over our lives and I have none. It was recently said to me that living with this uncertainty of the past 1 1/2 years would have the best of us experiencing anxiety. Some days it is just to much and I fall under the weight of it all. 


My spirit may have been broken and my dreams ripped out from under me, but my soul remains. With time I will rise again - like the Phoenix. Just one question - Is the Phoenix like a cat with a specified number of lives? I may be running short...