A Unique Puzzle Piece That Still Fits In

Fear by In-Flight Safety

*Special author note: I have really struggled in trying to articulate my thoughts on this subject. Please don't judge me too harshly for I am admittedly still trying to understand and find my place and see how I fit in.


Fear. 

We all experience fear in some form or another. Fear of dying. Fear of spiders. Fear of heights. Fear of commitment. And to me one of the most paralyzing of fears - the fear of judgement.

Nobody wants to be judged on things that cannot be changed or shouldn't be changed particularly if we want to preserve the integrity of self. Judgement is inherently negative because it is typically a comparison against ourselves. We certainly don't want to make ourselves look bad so we demean another to "raise" our profile. That is the problem with judgement.

Starting with our first breath the labeling process begins. Girl/boy. Quickly followed by a religious and cultural distinction, and the comments concerning our skin colour. And we will generally keep those labels all our life. It seems that the most defining labels are the ones that make us unique within our community. First and foremost for all seems to be the sexual orientation. However using myself as an example I am a white female - and you can't tell much more beyond that without speaking to me. Indeed, I present myself with the intention of celebrating my gender. But even that line has blurred somewhat particularly with the advent of jeans as popular clothing for both sexes. 

If people wear specific items on their person do they want to be identified by that label? We often wear uniforms at work intentionally so that we can be quickly labelled as an employee. There are also uniforms for sports, hobbies, interests and groups. Wedding rings group us into very specific categories as well. If I wear a Nickelback t-shirt I am advertising myself as a fan of that band and I wear it proudly. That pride negates any negative comments that may be hurled my way. 

So how about embracing our differences and being proud of them. Will that help people feel more included? You are a part of the whole because you are different but like a puzzle piece you still fit in. 

We're All In This Together - Sam Roberts Band

In North America (I can only speak to what I know) we seem to want to make a distinction about people based on their skin colour. There is a notion that dark-skinned people are a minority and therefore are treated as less equal. No doubt of this figuring prominently in the past of the whole of the Americas and persisting in some forms to this day. I wonder if in a country that is predominately black skinned whether the tables are turned on the fairer skinned? But I digress, the point is that I'm not so sure that making a distinction is abnormal behaviour. Labels aren't the problem...negative judgement is, perpetuating the stereo-types that are thrust upon us via the media and our social circles is a problem. And although colour is the primary focus here, negative judgement hits us all in some way. The weaker sex, the differently-abled, the blondes, the fat, the skinny, the Catholics, the Muslims. It doesn't end. No one is immune it seems.

There is nothing wrong with identifying someone as a young, black female as long as we don't presume at the same time that said female is also an unwed mother with no clue who her baby daddy is. I guarantee that there is no shortage of young, white females in the exact same predicament. Does the same negative stereotype cloud your vision? That is what we have to change. And in my opinion a lot of that negativity comes from the media that manipulates much of what we see and hear about the world outside our own neighbourhood.

When a child or dementia patient goes missing I think that skin colour can help in the locating of an individual. In the same way that clothing, hair colour and size is a useful tool so would knowing if the person wore a turban or relied on a scooter/wheelchair for transportation. The more details I have the better the chance I have of identifying that person and finding them. We have to stop believing the hype and stop spreading the negativity. We need to look at the reality. We need tolerance. We need acceptance. 

The Academy Awards were held the other night and although not much of a fan of awards show - boredom found me watching this one. I also like Neil Patrick Harris and was curious as to how he would handle his hosting role. Although John Travolta's bizarre behaviour continues to be the trending topic, I want to focus on NPH's comment early in the broadcast welcoming the audience to "Hollywood's best and whitest..I mean brightest." I don't know what the ratio is of black to white actors and personnel in the movie business but maybe that is the cause of the lack of colour. I personally think it has more to do with the black story, how about just a movie that happens to feature a diversity in casting. Not about slavery, not about oppression but about life, about success, about the human condition. And to tell these stories maybe we need to see more people of colour as producers. Couldn't hurt, for one white male who produces films retelling the black story, says that he tells the stories in a way that he thinks white audiences will want to hear/see them. That is not necessarily the reality of the story - but the commercially acceptable one. The money making story? That's not okay.

The fact of the matter is that only studio released movies are eligible for Oscar nominations and there are small fortunes spent by the moguls lobbying for votes for their interests to win. It doesn't make the winner the best movie/actor/actress but the team that is the richest and cagiest. 

Just recently I heard a conversation whereby the speaker suggested that one way the colour barrier in the media could be changed would be to have a black man play the role of Superman. Nothing wrong with that really I suppose but I'm not sure that would solve anything. In terms of talent, there is no doubt that colour has no bearing on the ability to conquer a role but does that make it the right thing to do. My go to is - does it work both ways. Can a pale actor play Martin Luther King? Why would we want that? Why not be true to the character or person? There is a difference between black and white and it is something that should be embraced and not necessarily assimilated. Why not make a whole new story where the role could be played by the best actor not the best black or the best white actor. Or maybe we can stop putting so much credence on the Academy Awards as the be all end all source for what we think is good at the movies. 

I would like to see equality in the media and I am seeing some change. Morgan Freeman successfully portrayed the traditional white figure of God in Bruce Almighty. On the other hand one of the screenwriters of the recently remade film Noah, said that an all white cast was used as a representation of mankind because having people of colour might be distracting to the audience and take away from the telling of the story. I am not thinking about the US fed television/movie fare but our own Canadian newscasts. When prominent names in the industry come to mind, I don't see their colour or even gender I hear their voice and their sincerity. It's a step in the right direction.

Label yes. 
Judgement no.

Practice kindness. 
Act love.

credit
Academy Awards - Neil Patrick Harris
http://www.billboard.com/articles/events/oscars/6480217/oscars-neil-patrick-harris-monologue-watch
New Republic: Why Selma Didn't Win an Oscar
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/121113/selma-oscar-snub-why-film-wont-win-best-picture
Noah had no actors of colour
http://blogs.indiewire.com/shadowandact/co-screenwriter-of-noah-explains-why-there-are-no-black-people-or-poc-in-the-film

Leaving by choice...or not

Hard Road - Sam Roberts Band

Loss is a different feeling for everyone. Everyone feels loss in a different intensity. And there are just as many types of loss too. In less than a week I have been moved by two very different types of losses in very diverse ways. Leaving by choice and leaving with no choice.

Loss of a loved one is probably one of the most profound. In this case, loss can refer to death, divorce or missing. There can be some measure of hope in the case of missing but the pain of that loss can go for a lifetime if no answers are ever found, if no questions are ever answered. 

I have experienced more than my fair share of death of family members and can speak with some credibility there. And in my humble opinion, divorce is much harder to cope with than death. Death is a finality and with that lack of hope, we can process the grief and move on with our lives. The pain never goes but we learn to live with it and without those we love. 

In a divorce situation the loss can impact our life in similar ways. A person we love is no longer with us. We will always wonder if it was us, if maybe we had done things differently, if we had said, if we hadn't said. Ex-partner bashing is not something I personally engaged in, nor did I sugar-coat the truth. The fact of the matter is that if I consistently undermine and belittle an ex-partner, what does that say about me and my choices. If a childs parent is so unworthy that you can't say anything nice about them what does that say about the child that is half of that alleged so called waste of space. 

Whatever came of a once important relationship, it is crucial to remember that you did once see some goodness in that person. And your children have inherited some of that as well. Just because they aren't right for you anymore doesn't mean that they aren't okay for someone else. And they can have them ;) I divorced for a reason and I respect the decision I made. I hope that my children have been able to come to terms with their sense of loss in the least impactful way possible.

Please Don't Bury Me - John Allan Cameron

(this version includes an introduction

song starts at about 1 minute mark)

Back to the experience of loss in the form of death. Although five immediate family members have died on me at various times, I was either two young to remember or unable to attend a funeral. People just assume that I am familiar with the customs and practises. But I am not. The one funeral I attended impacted me in ways that I struggled to cope with and in some sense still haunts me. At 22 it was not my desire to pick my brothers casket. Nothing in your life prepares you for that. 

I feel loss and a most overwhelming sense of compassion and empathy for someone I know that has lost a loved one. It's not because I necessarily know the person who has passed but I know a relative. I don't pretend that I understand their pain but I do feel their pain. And I feel it most profoundly.

But what is the right thing to do? When it is a friend or acquaintance and you don't know the family at all. I want to show support but I struggle with funerals and traditional services. I don't completely agree with the modern day burial practises that have become more business and less necessity. Environmentally I would prefer alternatives. 

If I don't attend a funeral, please don't take it to mean anything more than I would like to show support but need support myself to get through it. I can't think of anyplace that I feel more alone than in the middle of a funeral gathering. Sorry.

Maybe it was enduring so much death when I was young, but it's never been a topic I shy away from. Many sunny summer days were spent at the graveyard planting flowers and tending the mausoleum. There was some comfort found there. The only time that my family was together. Death is a part of life and when your time comes if you have preferences, you must communicate them.

I did that when my children were about 8 and 9 years old and we were on a family car trip. They were all that was left of my family. They had to know. A story on the news radio was a perfect segue to begin to share my choices. Keeping it age appropriate, I told my kids that I was not to be buried but cremated instead. They couldn't keep my ashes because I didn't want to be halved or fought over. So they promised that they would go to my hometown of Thunder Bay and sprinkle my ashes on the nose of the Sleeping Giant and see if he sneezes. They laughed and never forgot their Mom's strange request. Of course now that they are older we were able to discuss more details like costs of services and spending money on a celebration of life. Party! 

How Many Miles - Kim Stockwood

   
How many miles from home are you? Leaving home (your birthplace) is a loss in itself. Everything you knew and counted on was at home. Stability and security. You had friends all over because you had to meet and interact with so many different people during school and activities. 

If you lived in a community for most of your years growing up and then moved quite far away you will understand when I say that it is like ripping a piece of your heart out. Everything you encounter is suddenly strange and unfamiliar - the comforts of home, the friendly faces, all left behind. I did that exact thing (as many do to pursue higher education) however I never again returned. The closest I have lived to my hometown of Thunder Bay, Ontario since high school was 1000 miles. Milton, Oakville, Georgetown in Ontario and Bridgetown, Coldbrook and Halifax, Nova Scotia. It took me 30 years of moving about before I finally felt like I was really home - here in Halifax. Why? I don't have a good explanation for that.

But I do understand the need for being on the move. Just recently a friend I met recently decided to move back home. After 10 years on the east coast she is headed for the opposite coast. A place that she still calls home. She was feeling a loss for that home she left and the only way to ease her pain was to return. Her departure is a loss for this neck of the woods for she was instrumental in engaging people in the community and introducing them to local cultural events. 

I hope she finds happiness wherever she may land. It's not easy to intentionally lose everything that is of comfort to you. To pull yourself up by the roots and go to where nobody knows your name and everything is different from when you were there before. I know...I did it. Too many times. But sometimes you have to try on a lot of pairs of shoes before you find the ones that you can live in and with! :) 

Hometown for me represents loss and with all the loss there is nothing there for me anymore. My friend is going to family she left when she wanted to pursue higher education. Now its time for her to return. 

I have found my "home" in the heart and soul of the people of the beautiful city of Halifax in Nova Scotia. Someday I may understand what my innate drive is that brought me here in the first place or I may not. I have found peace and I have found kindred spirits and I can always go back to visit the pieces of my heart that I left behind.