The Psychopath in the Office (and In My Life)

Crippled Inside - John Lennon

I just had an appointment that was trying to determine my strength and ability to bounce back. Bounce back from being tossed to the ground and trampled upon until I was little more than a weak shell of my former self. Okay, I am paraphrasing in order to be somewhat vague quite intentionally. You see I am sick and tired of having my head and thoughts probed. People making judgements about me after knowing me for a few hours. 

But at the same time they are forgetting, forgetting that prior to (and while) suffering nearly a decade of abuse by my employer I was a fabulous and successful single parent with no financial or emotional support from family or the sperm donor (that's for you LM). Truly single and alone! My children are a living testament to my character and mental stability - so is my long list of volunteer assignments and personal accomplishments. A published columnist with no formal training, a director of senior baseball who never played the game, a talent with construction that was never taught. And I could go on but its not my style.



Up until December 2010 I was a viable and contributing member of society. Following all (or most of the rules) and doing more than my fair share of making the world a better place for all to live in. And then my world came crashing down around me. It was the beginning of my end...emotionally. 

But one thing that can never ever be taken from me is my intelligence. It is my intelligence that tells me that even though I am emotionally crushed I am worth my space on earth. My self-esteem was taken from me. My sense of self was taken from me. My career was taken from me. My home, my life and my livelihood was taken from me. 

And I found my voice. I don't sing...I write. And when I find myself before the keyboard I find the voice that is struggling to understand. And as the music plays in the background, it speaks to me. Because here alone with my thoughts, I am safe. I can be who I am inside I can be the person that I admire and love without being judged. 

Don't like what I look like - you can't see me. 

Don't like what I sound like - you can't hear me.

Don't like what I say - stop reading.

Up here and far away in my tower - you can't touch me.

Here I have control of the delete and block button. You can't hurt me.

But are all my skills transferable to a career in the outside world? Have you ever gotten so afraid that every muscle in your body tensed up and pulling your arms in to try and protect yourself you feel like one deep breath and you would snap and shatter into a million pieces. That is my fear. I fear people that I can't protect myself from. There are too many people out there that want to hurt. Those that live for the cut-throat, dog-eat-dog, instant gratification of pushing down who ever is in their way. The people like those where I was trashed like non-recyclable garbage by those who should have cared. How can ever expect to be safe when forced to be with people who are given power to control my life and determine that I am not good enough? I am not speaking about capabilities I am speaking about character and personality. Obviously I am not pretending to be a CPA or certified welder. My education focuses on educating.

I know me. I am not a fighter. I am not angry. I am non-confrontational. I am private and distant at times. At times I am confident and the life of the party. I have a wicked sense of humour and love to laugh and love. I am a great advocate for others but can't find my voice to scream when I am being hurt. I love a good debate but don't know how to deal with personal attacks. We don't have to agree but we can be respectful - well I can.

But what do you do when you walk into your bosses office to congratulate them on their new promotion and they respond by saying "You know, I never like you from the first time I met you." (which was two years previous when she wasn't your boss). What are you supposed to say to that? How are you supposed to respond? It happened to me and I ate it. I said nothing. And she spent the rest of our working relationship doing everything she possible could to destroy me. There weren't complaints about my work but fabrications that couldn't be proven or could easily be disproven if given the chance. Or they were blatant character assassinations. I didn't socialize in the staff room. I didn't say hello in the halls. They didn't like my voice. 

When I stopped going to the torture chamber that was my daily job I was all but broken. Four and a half years later and the pieces are starting to come together but it just takes a small breeze to blow the house of cards down. The glue isn't set. I'm not sure that there is a glue strong enough to heal the hurt. The hurt goes far beyond the surface where a simple patch job might have sufficed. Intervention after the first attack more than 12 years ago.  

I trusted those people who were supposed to keep me safe and now I don't know how to be safe again. It is one thing to lose a hand and be unable to do your job as a surgeon. It is quite another to lose your mind and belief in yourself and everything that was good about you and go back to any job where your very soul is in jeopardy of falling apart at any moment. The hand-less surgeon still has the knowledge that they are okay, that they are capable. Their body is broken but not their spirit. Does that make sense to anybody? Besides me? 

In 2010, I wasn't perfect. There were things I wanted to change about myself (including ridding myself of a smoking habit), but I liked myself. I could look in the mirror and like what I saw - the physical flaws were the same as they are today, but they made me who I was and that was okay by me. Then! 

That was then...this is now! 

Now I struggle to tolerate the person in the mirror. If they didn't like me maybe I am not good enough. The snakes penetrated my armour and now there is nothing left to protect me. The Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board had (and has) a lot of snakes in their midst. From the King Cobras to the Boa Constrictors to the Rattlers waiting in the wings to strike. 

But there are snakes outside of their fortress. How can I be safe from them? Because there is only one thing I know for sure and that is that I can't take this pain anymore. 

Brain Damage/Eclipse - Pink Floyd

And then I saw a documentary called The Psychopath Next Door on CBC's the Doc Zone. It was a true Eureka moment. Egocentric. Lacking remorse, guilt and empathy. Deceitful. Glib. Shallow. Smooth. Fake. The Bitch In Heels (BIH) was all of these things and more. According to the bosses quiz I took...people (and I) should have been very afraid. She was unable to achieve a higher score. Finally she was a real success at something - pardon my sarcasm. 

But to be fair she was not the only Psycho who worked for the School Board. I would go as far as to say, that it would not surprise me to learn that the DPCDSB uses the Hare Checklist to hire staff. For many of the staff I encountered displayed the traits listed therein. 

According to the authors of Snakes in Suits, corporate psychopaths rate high in communication skills, charisma, appearance but low in performance and productivity. The BIH had the minions doing her work when she was nearing the deadlines and couldn't possible complete her tasks. Who spent more time working in that office than doing her own job. Anyone with at least one good eye and 2 brain cells know that it was a colleague of mine and not the BIH. Then consider the two from the board office who sat, scribbling furiously the details and names I provided while muttering "Oh, dear!" repeatedly. They played their role but they did nothing. They dropped the ball on their responsibilities and their promises to action. Then there was the principal who couldn't find my work performance lacking so she ensured that the student I was responsible for failed. Fabricated discipline and grades that were pulled from her warped imagination. These were/are off-the-charts parasitic predators. I was their prey.

Why me? Well, I am an emotional and empathetic person. It is what made me successful in my career and at the same time a target. I was vulnerable and weak both emotionally and in the fact that I did not have a support system in the form of family or spouse. Top that with the fact that I was confidant in my ability and self and that made me dangerous and susceptible. A psychopath looks for the emotionally vulnerable to exploit them. 

A lure is thrown out to a potential victim. The bait is to assess the empathy that is returned. If the person takes the bait, they become a target. The predators tend to be very adept at detecting fear and emotional vulnerability despite being devoid of those same emotions themselves. They latch on to their victim and suck everything out of it that they can while they step on the corpse to climb the ladder. If not in actual promotions, they take credit for others ideas and blames others for their own failures. 

What is it about me? Nothing that I intend to change. I know that I have the fear and it was only my downfall because I found a community of psycho-predators. These immoral beings are masters at seeing clues in my environment that betray my fear. As open and confident as I may appear, I am actually social phobic. People/the public frightens me. I struggled every September to enter an environment of new faces of staff and students. But I conquered and even mastered the fear for every week, I encountered new and different piano students as well. You tolerate the trepidation because you have to. I had to suck it up or be unable to provide for my children. It wasn't an option. It had to be done. 

Explain how if I was so deficit, if I was such an angry person, if I was so mentally unbalanced - how is it that I would have one or two successful years of employment followed by a year of hell on earth. I was still me. The only thing that changed was my colleagues. At some point even the most dense of us would wonder if it was maybe them? Hmmm

This is a simplified version of the Psychopath Test you can take for yourself. I scored 10. I am not a Psychopath! 

It took me longer to break because I am stubborn and a fighter and stupid...I kept going back for more. But those days are done. I am broken.  

I have always had fear. Now I am scared. Ney...terrified.

credit 
Without Conscious. Dr. Robert Hare
http://www.hare.org/
Psychopathfree
https://www.psychopathfree.com/content.php
Songs about Psychopaths
https://www.psychopathfree.com/showthread.php?1453-Songs-About-Psychopaths
Psychopath Boss Quiz
http://www.fastcompany.com/53265/quiz-your-boss-psychopath
Psychopath Test 
http://vistriai.com/psychopathtest/
Snakes in Suits by Paul Babiak, Ph.D. and Robert D. Hare, Ph.D.
http://www.snakesinsuits.com/

A Unique Puzzle Piece That Still Fits In

Fear by In-Flight Safety

*Special author note: I have really struggled in trying to articulate my thoughts on this subject. Please don't judge me too harshly for I am admittedly still trying to understand and find my place and see how I fit in.


Fear. 

We all experience fear in some form or another. Fear of dying. Fear of spiders. Fear of heights. Fear of commitment. And to me one of the most paralyzing of fears - the fear of judgement.

Nobody wants to be judged on things that cannot be changed or shouldn't be changed particularly if we want to preserve the integrity of self. Judgement is inherently negative because it is typically a comparison against ourselves. We certainly don't want to make ourselves look bad so we demean another to "raise" our profile. That is the problem with judgement.

Starting with our first breath the labeling process begins. Girl/boy. Quickly followed by a religious and cultural distinction, and the comments concerning our skin colour. And we will generally keep those labels all our life. It seems that the most defining labels are the ones that make us unique within our community. First and foremost for all seems to be the sexual orientation. However using myself as an example I am a white female - and you can't tell much more beyond that without speaking to me. Indeed, I present myself with the intention of celebrating my gender. But even that line has blurred somewhat particularly with the advent of jeans as popular clothing for both sexes. 

If people wear specific items on their person do they want to be identified by that label? We often wear uniforms at work intentionally so that we can be quickly labelled as an employee. There are also uniforms for sports, hobbies, interests and groups. Wedding rings group us into very specific categories as well. If I wear a Nickelback t-shirt I am advertising myself as a fan of that band and I wear it proudly. That pride negates any negative comments that may be hurled my way. 

So how about embracing our differences and being proud of them. Will that help people feel more included? You are a part of the whole because you are different but like a puzzle piece you still fit in. 

We're All In This Together - Sam Roberts Band

In North America (I can only speak to what I know) we seem to want to make a distinction about people based on their skin colour. There is a notion that dark-skinned people are a minority and therefore are treated as less equal. No doubt of this figuring prominently in the past of the whole of the Americas and persisting in some forms to this day. I wonder if in a country that is predominately black skinned whether the tables are turned on the fairer skinned? But I digress, the point is that I'm not so sure that making a distinction is abnormal behaviour. Labels aren't the problem...negative judgement is, perpetuating the stereo-types that are thrust upon us via the media and our social circles is a problem. And although colour is the primary focus here, negative judgement hits us all in some way. The weaker sex, the differently-abled, the blondes, the fat, the skinny, the Catholics, the Muslims. It doesn't end. No one is immune it seems.

There is nothing wrong with identifying someone as a young, black female as long as we don't presume at the same time that said female is also an unwed mother with no clue who her baby daddy is. I guarantee that there is no shortage of young, white females in the exact same predicament. Does the same negative stereotype cloud your vision? That is what we have to change. And in my opinion a lot of that negativity comes from the media that manipulates much of what we see and hear about the world outside our own neighbourhood.

When a child or dementia patient goes missing I think that skin colour can help in the locating of an individual. In the same way that clothing, hair colour and size is a useful tool so would knowing if the person wore a turban or relied on a scooter/wheelchair for transportation. The more details I have the better the chance I have of identifying that person and finding them. We have to stop believing the hype and stop spreading the negativity. We need to look at the reality. We need tolerance. We need acceptance. 

The Academy Awards were held the other night and although not much of a fan of awards show - boredom found me watching this one. I also like Neil Patrick Harris and was curious as to how he would handle his hosting role. Although John Travolta's bizarre behaviour continues to be the trending topic, I want to focus on NPH's comment early in the broadcast welcoming the audience to "Hollywood's best and whitest..I mean brightest." I don't know what the ratio is of black to white actors and personnel in the movie business but maybe that is the cause of the lack of colour. I personally think it has more to do with the black story, how about just a movie that happens to feature a diversity in casting. Not about slavery, not about oppression but about life, about success, about the human condition. And to tell these stories maybe we need to see more people of colour as producers. Couldn't hurt, for one white male who produces films retelling the black story, says that he tells the stories in a way that he thinks white audiences will want to hear/see them. That is not necessarily the reality of the story - but the commercially acceptable one. The money making story? That's not okay.

The fact of the matter is that only studio released movies are eligible for Oscar nominations and there are small fortunes spent by the moguls lobbying for votes for their interests to win. It doesn't make the winner the best movie/actor/actress but the team that is the richest and cagiest. 

Just recently I heard a conversation whereby the speaker suggested that one way the colour barrier in the media could be changed would be to have a black man play the role of Superman. Nothing wrong with that really I suppose but I'm not sure that would solve anything. In terms of talent, there is no doubt that colour has no bearing on the ability to conquer a role but does that make it the right thing to do. My go to is - does it work both ways. Can a pale actor play Martin Luther King? Why would we want that? Why not be true to the character or person? There is a difference between black and white and it is something that should be embraced and not necessarily assimilated. Why not make a whole new story where the role could be played by the best actor not the best black or the best white actor. Or maybe we can stop putting so much credence on the Academy Awards as the be all end all source for what we think is good at the movies. 

I would like to see equality in the media and I am seeing some change. Morgan Freeman successfully portrayed the traditional white figure of God in Bruce Almighty. On the other hand one of the screenwriters of the recently remade film Noah, said that an all white cast was used as a representation of mankind because having people of colour might be distracting to the audience and take away from the telling of the story. I am not thinking about the US fed television/movie fare but our own Canadian newscasts. When prominent names in the industry come to mind, I don't see their colour or even gender I hear their voice and their sincerity. It's a step in the right direction.

Label yes. 
Judgement no.

Practice kindness. 
Act love.

credit
Academy Awards - Neil Patrick Harris
http://www.billboard.com/articles/events/oscars/6480217/oscars-neil-patrick-harris-monologue-watch
New Republic: Why Selma Didn't Win an Oscar
http://www.newrepublic.com/article/121113/selma-oscar-snub-why-film-wont-win-best-picture
Noah had no actors of colour
http://blogs.indiewire.com/shadowandact/co-screenwriter-of-noah-explains-why-there-are-no-black-people-or-poc-in-the-film