Dating and Mating in 2014

Hot 'n Cold by Katy Perry

If men are from Mars and women are from Venus then I want to meet on the middle ground - Earth. I firmly believe that there are fundamental and critical differences between the sexes and I like it. I like it a lot! 

A lot of really worthwhile issues were resolved or at least recognized with the feminism movement. Women should never be thought of as lesser beings just different ones. Equal pay for equal work, yes! Equal opportunities yes! Burn the bra, no! But you should be able to travel the road both ways without being dictatorial. If I want to be Prime Minister or CEO I should have that opportunity if I qualify. If a dude wants to be a stay-at-home dad or secretary, they should be allowed without judgement. 

But going off on a wee detour, a company should not be forced to hire either men, women, minorities or immigrants because of some arbitrary protocol. I don't want to be a boss because of what I look like but because I can do the job better. 

And, we're back. The problem with the feminism movement is the effect that it seems to have had on men. There were very specifically defined roles between men and women at one time. Men earned the money and women kept the house. Men chased and women were the pursued in the dating and mating ritual. Suddenly women had options and became more vocal and (dare I say) aggressive. Men no longer knew if their advances would be accepted or turned down. They didn't know if they were supposed to open the door or if they would be chastised for the effort. They stepped back and didn't know when it was the right time to step up to the plate if ever. Chivalry and social protocol is now a very hazy line where men fear to cross and face a potential backlash from a staunch feminist. Some men have begun to feel emasculated by the women with higher incomes and job positions. This competition has led in part to no one willing to play the game anymore. 

Personally, I miss the day when the roles were more clearly defined. When a man opened a door ahead of me or put a hand of support at the small of my back as he guided me in the direction we were going, was a way that I knew I was cared for and valued. And of course on this road of equality there are many ways that women can and should show that men are valued as well. Ego stroking, if you will. I do believe that these gender specific roles can be very helpful in the elevation of self-esteem for both parties when the intention behind the act is accepted. We all feel good when we are treasured.

Since the 1970's when women began to defend their rights in the real world and take charge of their destiny, I was otherwise engaged. I missed learning how to adopt the new feminist role in the relationship arena and I don't feel comfortable in the pursuers role. And it seems that I am not alone. Afraid of stepping on our pedicured toes, men have backed away from openly pursuing a woman they are attracted to. A woman who is self-sufficient can be seen as too domineering and therefore intimidating to some men. Perhaps the men of the younger generation have come to accept this new role assignment, but speaking from some experience, men of my generation tend to want to hide their "caveman" persona. 

Coupled with the increase in divorce rates and both genders more focused on establishing careers and conquering the planet through infinite travel options, traditional marriage has taken a back seat. The older members who have "been there, done that" seem to be less inclined to jump on the marriage bandwagon having been burned and hurt before. Raising another family in the "new" middle ages is not always a welcome prospect. Certainly I am more open to the idea of grandmother than mother-to-another at my age. Not that I'm old :)

To be clear, I think that same sex relationships should be considered conventional and although I speak to what I know specifically, I think that the concept here can be applied to all unions. And there is a new term for these people shunning conventional relationships. "Otherhood" as opposed to parenthood, motherhood, etc. Women and men are choosing to remain without a permanent committed relationship. Children are becoming secondary in the fulfillment of adulthood and with adoption becoming more open and liberal, both sexes can be parents without a significant other or donor. Being single is becoming more of lifestyle choice and pet ownership is taking the place of a human life partner.   

For some believe, that they can have their cake and eat it too! Being a single parent no longer means your relationship ended. Being a single homeowner no longer means you got the house in death or divorce. Living alone with a cat no longer makes you a crazy cat lady/man. In fact, one in four women entering the housing market are single women compared to one in ten men. I was a pioneer in this realm when in the late 1990's I became a single female homeowner with no co-signer or guarantor. Mind you it took a lot of persistence and a lot of rejection from typical male dominated banking conventions. We've come a long way, baby!

But a feminist, I'm not. Unless it meant that I embrace my femininity and being woman. I love being a woman. I love that I was able to carry children and be a mother. I also love that I was able to use my talents and gifts to raise and support them alone. Because I had to, not necessarily because I personally wanted to. I want to get dolled up, put on a dress and heels and feel pretty. I want to be coddled and cuddled. But I don't want to be a ditsy female. I can use power tools and mow the lawn while he does the cooking. I don't want to emasculate anyone, I want to embrace the differences in ourselves. The beauty of the male is intoxicating to me.

When it comes to relationships with a potential sexual partner I don't want to be the aggressor and step on his pedicured toes. I don't want to go to a bar and tell a man that I am interested. There are signs that can be read that clearly identify a mutual interest and attraction. Taking the first step scares me. I understand that it can be equally scary for him but I guess I'm old school. For as much as I embrace my femininity I admire and appreciate his manliness. So with respect in mind, please ask and you may be pleasantly surprised by the outcome. For me it is less of a weak female trait and more so a lack of confidence thing - I'm still working on repairs in that area.  

For now, someone has to make the first move and I would be more than happy to follow :) I will respectfully and playfully call you Master :p

The Fine Art of Deception

Love Never Lies - Blue Rodeo

When is it okay to lie? Is it ever okay to lie?

I dislike liars. My personal motto is "Fun Not Phony". Habitual liars are phonies - they are not real to themselves or others. In many cases, I feel like someone lying to me is an insult to my intelligence. How stupid do you think I am that I am going to believe that? In the case of such a blatant and egregious lie, I often allow the person to carry on in their fantasy world. They are hardly worth my time if they chose to be so disrespectful to me. "I'd love to have coffee with you but I work every afternoon and evening." A simple "Thanks but no thanks" would have achieved the same results - I'll never ask again. It's okay if someone doesn't want to spend time with us even if they once did. But we shouldn't have to waste our time on false hope.

If I value you, I should be able to be honest with you. And that includes if I value you as a friend, lover, family member, or a part of the human race in the world I live. But the world is anything but black and white and neither is the concept of the truth. Much like an eyewitness account, the level of acceptable truthfullness varies amongst us all.
The truth as I see it can be quite different from the truth as you see it. But how is this possible? Simply put, our morals and values can vary and our life experiences allow us to view and interpret events in different ways. You may see a lie as a means to spare my feelings, where I view that same un-truth as a painful sleight and assault on my character. For everything that comes out of our mouths, there is reasoning behind it. The manner in which it is said, the words that are chosen all reflect the intent behind the statement. Some of us can read these cues, others chose to hear only words. 

What is the real purpose behind the lie? Is it so we can raise our own self-worth at the expense of others? Is it just a malicious event with the only goal to harm someone else? It is all of those things and more, sometimes it is even self-protection. "I'm sorry I was speeding officer, I am late for a dentist appointment". Says he, "Here's your ticket ma'am, no-one rushes to go to the dentist." Maybe, I should have lied and said diarrhea :) lol Bottom line, is that most lies are told for purely selfish reasons. 

Then there is the little white lie. Some don't see this as a lie but a common courtesy. A harmless tale, perhaps even beneficial. But sometimes in our hope to do good we hurt. In theory a little white lie should only be told when not knowing the truth is completely harmless. But who is to be the judge of that. "I'm on my way", we've all heard that one at one time or another - probably even said it. I worry, about the person I am waiting for or the person waiting for me. Worry is not something I consider harmless.

I think that there are ways to be truthful without hurting a persons feelings. Say a co-worker asks about an outfit/tie they are wearing. They want your opinion, they are talking the time to hear you. Do you lie and say "looks great" even if you think they look like a circus clown? Or do you find something positive to say amid the psychedelic ensemble. "The bright colours really bring out the colour of your eyes." Or "That shirt would really be great at the club on Friday." If someone tells me that something looks good on me, I will put it at the front of my selection of things to wear when I want to feel confident. If I have been lied to, I am playing the fool. I couldn't do that to someone else. I don't want it done to me. It's okay if not everything I chose is the best look for me. Sometimes, I wear stuff despite because its' comfortable or has some other meaning. 

The understanding of the appropriateness of the art of deception doesn't get any clearer when you consider the politically correct version of a lie - the omission of the truth. Not an outright lie but not the truth either. Again intent is paramount in acceptable nature of this retort. Sometimes people get in your face and insist on answer to things that are simply none of their business. They may want to use the truth against you. If I have a romantic liaison, it is none of your business and so it's okay to say I went to bed early last night. Oh okay, that becomes a half truth :) 

The half truth is my go to! 
"Did you?" "Yes...but." Just because we chose to live a morally honest life does not mean that anyone has the right to every detail of our life simply because they have the nerve (or gall) to ask the question. Discretion is required in the question and response. Not an easy task and I suppose one of the reasons why celebrities and other personalities are coached before a live Q & A. And why so many of us are guilty of the "I opened my mouth and the truth came out" syndrome.

I've been called to task on my truthfullness. Too many times people have started a conversation reminding me that I don't like lying. I want to run and hide because I feel I am about to be put under the interrogation light as a bible is thrust into my hand. Self-protection is the cape of choice as I sweat and wait for the ball to drop. You might as well hook up the lie detector - because if I feel threatened the truth might slink and hide in a corner. The half truth works well for me in these instances. Not exactly a lie. Not exactly the whole truth. 


The truth lies in utterer of the words. I would consider myself to be a bad liar but in reality I am a discretionary truth teller. Only what you need to hear when I want to share is all you'll get. That's a bit of social etiquette. Not everybody who you see on the street and says "Hi, How are you?" really wants to know how you are. 


The importance of truthfullness is directly related to the importance of the person in our lives. Omissions of the truth, half truths, white lies have very little place in a healthy loving faithful relationship with mates, spouses, children, parents. Living a life with a partner and realizing that that once happy life is a lie would have to be the end of the game for me. I don't think I could look at myself in the mirror knowing I am living a lie.

I've always said that "Knowledge is Power". If I know the truth I can confront it and change or fix it (perhaps), if nothing else, I can deal with it. But maybe the most effective use of this mindset is in regards to parenting. Rest assured it sure made my life as a single mom a lot easier knowing I knew exactly what I was dealing with. Although that doesn't in anyway mean that I knew everything about my children's lives and experiences. There are certain rights of passage for young adults that are no ones business but their own. But I can honestly share my experiences and knowledge gained in the hopes I can guide them and promote responsible decision making when I am not there. But, if you skip class because you didn't study for the test, tell me before I get the phone call. We can study together and organize ourselves to make sure you take time to be prepared next time. If you get sent to the principal, I would like your version before I am called upon to support you - for as a parent, discipline is my job. Nobody likes to be caught unawares, embarrassed and with egg on their face. Situations will always arise but with an atmosphere of trust and mutual respect we can stand united and strong.

Do me a favour, if I have spinach in my teeth the next time you see me - tell me. And I'll let you know if you come out of the public restroom with toilet paper stuck to your shoe. With honesty on our side...we can be lifelong friends! 

And thank you to that one student who embarrassed me in front of a hallway packed full of teenagers to let me know my skirt was tucked into my nylons exposing too much for the security cameras :)

TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE...ALWAYS! FOREVER! 

A Cry Only She Heard

Surround - In-Flight Safety

You surround yourself with people who make you happy and the places where you will find peace. But then you turn around and those people are gone. 

Maybe they walked, maybe they ran, maybe they were buried. But they are gone...they weren't meant to stay.

So how much should you fight to keep someone who doesn't want to be? It's a question I have struggled with. 

This is not a commentary on suicide because people who contemplate taking their own life really are only trying to stop pain in the only way they believe will work. People who don't feel alone (in the world or in their mind) in my opinion don't consider the end as the best route to happiness. People who feel supported aren't afraid to lean.

This is also not a discussion on the right to a dignified death when the time comes, at whatever age we are when that door is the only one open. There are no concrete answers to this dilemma for me. I always thought I would not want to be kept artificially alive, then I heard about Robyn Benson who was 22 weeks pregnant when she suffered a brain hemorrhage that left her brain dead. She was kept on life support to give her baby a fighting chance at life. Baby Iver was welcomed into the world as his mother was allowed to go. As a mother, I would not object to a machine-assisted existence to save the life of my child. Or to save my organs for transplant purposes.

So that's not what this is about...so what is the point of these ramblings today. Relationships is the pat answer. In most relationships you see what you want to see and feel what you want to feel. Maybe it's an addiction problem, maybe it's an indiscretion or a little white lie - but so often we grow into a comfort zone with another person and we don't want to upset the cart. So we pretend that what is happening is not real or it will go away. I'm not just talking about marital relationships but friends and colleagues as well. 

When we put ourselves into the vulnerable position of a relationship, we are opening ourselves up for pain. We trust that the other will not hurt us, but sometimes it is a trust misplaced and we are battered.  

I think it can be beneficial to look back on a failed relationship to seek ways to improve the odds of success for next time, or to give our self-esteems a boost by understanding that it wasn't all us. Self-doubt and criticism rules and tramples our fragile egos when a relationship fails. I would like to think that, but I can't always practice what I preach. Some relationships (work) I am simply not strong enough to want to remember. Yet - maybe never. 

One thing I know for sure is that all my relationships fail for one main reason. Me! I am the reason that they will not continue. I am the one who made the decision to end it. But sometimes, it is more of a hiatus than a permanent dismissal. There always seems to come a point where I realize how one-sided my relationships are and put an end to them. The grand optimist often surfaces and is quick to give an adversary a second (third, fourth etc) chance. This isn't looking through the mirror of the past with rose-coloured glasses, but reading the words written in the truth of anonymity. 

I have learned this about myself in recent months. Not through some intensive therapy laying on a couch or even hours spent in mindful introspection. But literally reading the words I myself wrote. Years of diaries that chronicle the day to day thoughts and occurrences of past life lived.

The Good, the Bad and the Ugly. All there. Intimate details about personal experiences, youthful foibles and questionable decisions made. Reactions to others and their thoughts spoken about me. From the age of 8 years. The innocence of a child, the angry teenager and the insecure young adult. With no one left to talk to or listen without judgement I wrote/talked to myself. The problem was I didn't listen. I had no advice to give for I had no frame of reference for love and respect.

Over and over again I was taken advantage of. And I knew it was happening for I wrote about how I felt when it happened yet - I allowed it to continue over and over again. One-sided relationships. In love and in friends and even colleagues. I never spoke up. 

Ah, to look to the past as a predictor of future behaviour. I wish I was that smart to have done that. But I did not have that foresight. The written word now tells me that I was smart, but the people in my life convinced me that I was a fool who was undeserving of respect.

Looking back now, I feel sorry for that girl who had so much hope that things would get better that she was broken by the half-filled glass regularly. And more times than even I remembered she used that broken glass to try to stop the pain and cry for help. A cry that only she heard. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Flash forward a quarter of a century and nothing has changed. Six months have passed and we said WE would call often. They haven't called yet. I did. Then my eyes saw the one-sided relationship and I stopped. It hurt but no one heard me cry. 

It was written that in a drunken stupor you hurt me and I said nothing. I allowed it to continue. In a drunken stupor the tables were turned and I was blamed and hurt again. I wish I could tell you the whole truth and you would hear. But you don't want to hear what I have to say. I keep my pain hidden. 

I asked for help and I was forgotten. I just wanted to bring some closure to a painful incident. Just look and see if you can find anything. Do it for me, because I admit that I am too weak. I wait and then I stop asking. I may be important in your life but my usefullness is past expiration. I see that but I don't want it to be.

But the pain that hurts the most is the one I expected to never hurt me. I asked for very little because I knew that there was nothing to be offered. I just wanted the simple acknowledgement of being. How long does it take to say "Hi!"? How hard is it to type or text "Hey"? One-sided, I see that. I gave you what you needed but my wants were trampled on. You knew how much being lied to upset me but you wanted me to believe that you just weren't around. I know it's not the truth but I never confront you with the proof. I remain stupid and in pain. And as much as I know deep down that I am worth it, I am afraid. Afraid to let you know that I am worth it. Afraid to really believe it myself. Afraid of free-fall.  

Re-reading these journal entries is like watching my life pass before my eyes in high definition slow-motion. Clarity that comes from looking with the years of disconnection to the past. There are certain truths about me that I have come to accept. I fail at relationships because no one ever took the time to help me understand that my role in them is not to be a doormat. Nobody ever took the time to tell me that I was worth being respected. Nobody taught me to have a voice. Nobody every told me that I was worth it. 

These are things that parents teach their children. My parents didn't fail, they were taken from me. My subsequent guardian didn't believe I was worth it...so neither did I. 

I am trying to teach myself that I am a good person and that it is okay to tell people that I am to be respected. But years of rejection and self-doubt are hard to erase without the support of someone in your corner. 

I am in the corner trying to find my voice. And no one is there to hear me cry.

PS. I now understand my aversion to the telephone. I was told too often that no one wanted to hear from me. On the off chance I have taken the plunge to call, I often found rejection. I don't call for help without anguish. I learned to do it all without help. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

With Valentines Day upon us tomorrow, I plead with you to put some thought into a truly heartfelt show of your love. Do not wait until the last minute and then go to the only store open 11:30pm on Valentines and buy barrettes for someone who never wears them (yeah it happened). If you are going to do breakfast in bed for your significant other make sure you don't confuse how they take their coffee with someone else of importance in your life. Having a frank discussion on expectations can alleviate some of these problems and isn't a terrible idea. Keep it light though since I heard one poll that found 22% of respondents had been dumped on Valentines Day. Ouch!

And for God sakes, if you are alone, don't impulsively change your entire life with the adoption of a pet that you aren't ready for. If your life is too screwed up, maybe a pet doesn't belong in it right now. Don't allow the commercialism of what is really just another day, to impact the welfare of an innocent animal. However...if on February 21 you still want to add a furry or feathered friend to your family...ADOPT! :)

credit where credit is due:

http://www.theprovince.com/health/Baby+Iver+good+survival+chances+pregnant+braindead+Victoria+woman/9469545/story.html

Scanning the Oceans with a Sentimental Eye

Sentimental Lady - Bob Welch

If you are in a relationship, God bless you! I hope that you work at it to keep it fulfilling for both you and your partner. But just to put my two cents worth in, if the relationship you are in is not bringing out the very best in you all the time, you need to put some serious thought into changing your circumstances or getting your relationship back on track. There is a good chance your partner is not very happy either. I figure if you are still getting the warm-fuzzy feelings when you think about seeing your partner after novelty has warn off, you are doing well - even if you have been together for 20 years or more. Mutual and self-respect will keep the fires burning at home. 


I am not currently in a committed relationship so the notion of relationships is on my mind a lot. Like hunger but not having anything to eat lol! There are different stages in the needs of a relationship. I do not intend to demean or devalue the importance of attachments other than a heterosexual coexistence, but that is what I am personally familiar with and that expertise will be the focus of my thoughts. Additionally, being female I am best suited to an awareness from that perspective. 


In the teenage years, there is an emerging sexuality paired with raging hormones. We have a need to be with someone and seek that someone out but not necessarily for a relationship that we will hold for the rest of our years. Often just having someone to ease us into the sexual dance and accompany us to the latest and greatest place to be seen! Besides being a sort of right of passage, it is a coveted status symbol to have someone to count on to be an escort at all the major school events. Prom, grad and all the formals. Not scientific research - just personal observation but some of the most successful relationships I know are the ones that began at a very young age (high school) and they grew up together. With dedication and love they grew stronger as a unit instead of growing apart. These are also the ones, that should the marriage fail after many years or upon the death of a spouse, they have a much harder time coping with their new found solitude. They often left their parents home to set up housekeeping with their partner - not having significant time to be on their own.


The desire for a relationship post-secondary schooling depends on the nature of the chosen career. Especially in this day and age, there is a large amount of debt to deal with, so often the career must take precedence over the personal life. A relationship may consume valuable time needed to climb the corporate ladder, one may not be able to dedicate the time to cultivate a long-term relationship. Partners may be more friends with mutual benefits of companionship and opportunity without the need for commitment. They can be called to attend the family wedding or just a weekend social gathering but nothing more is expected. The proverbial friends with benefits.


In the 30's, especially for a woman is a critical time in the hunt for the perfect mate. What has been on the back burner for everyone but the wanna-be grandparents asking too many questions, suddenly becomes a pressing issue. The question of motherhood. Will it happen? And in this progressive society, what form will it take? Not to downplay the important role of a daddy in a child's life, but it can be done with only their initial output. And society is much more accepting of the non-traditional roads to motherhood. Knowing how hard it is to raise children alone, I would suggest that having a partner would certainly make things easier (both financially and emotionally). What surprises me more is that recently I am hearing more and more about the women who are not embarking on their journey to motherhood until their mid to late 30's. As a young dreamer, I wanted to have 4 kids by the time I was 25. Not in a relationship in time, I ended up with 2 before I was 29 and I thought that was old. I worry about the health and viability of the eggs and sperm and I hope that procreating so late in life is not responsible for the increase in childhood ailments that we are seeing. 


You start to find a lot of singles in their 40's who with mid-life are embarking on new relationships. Traditionally, at middle age, the kids are grown to a being more self-sufficient and the parents have grown apart when they put the kids before their own relationship. Of course there are some in this age group who haven't had a kick at the parental can and are still fixated on this option. Looking for a relationship at this age is tough because you are often not considering just the suitability to yourself but also the compatibility with your ready made families and how they might blend. I knew many women at this age who were so fearful of being alone that they had a succession of "Uncle John's" moving in and out of their homes. 


Beyond the 40's comes the question of whether a traditional marriage is a desirable option for some. Particularly, if on has been in and out of several serious long term relationships that may not have ended well. People can get a little gun shy! Like Ross on Friends who was worried about the perception of him and his "3 Divorces". But relationships don't come with guarantees, sometimes you just have to dive in and take a chance. I don't know myself if I want to be married again or not? It will depend on the person who comes into my life, how much I want to share with that person.


I suppose the bottom line when looking for someone to forge a relationship with, what you ultimately hope for is someone at the same stage in life as you. In addition to similar likes and dislikes. With my kids grown and successful adults outside of the home, my personal interest does not lie in "becoming a mother" to someone else's young children. As they say - "been there done that". With the blending of families and many people having navigated several relationships that may have produced off-spring the children in one family may span in age from toddler to young adult. For each individual person, it is a question of determining what you consider to be preferential qualities in a mate.


So where do you find them - the perfect Mr Right or Ms Right? That's where high school was a great option, lots of choices to look over. Post-secondary can be a little more difficult depending on your area of study. Dependent on the nature of courses, you may find yourself in a traditionally gender-biased career choice. Not a lot of males in the nursing program and not a lot of females in the mechanics program, for example. Ah, but with youth comes the freedom and acceptance of the group date attending the meat market at the local watering hole. As you get older, it is harder to find the single girls willing to go on display at the local pub with you in search of the right one. 


But all is not lost, for with the advent of the internet came the explosion of the internet dating sites. And we all sound great on paper, especially when we are the authors! Like a resume, we aren't going to divulge the less than successful job where they fired our butt! How many of us have the experience in human resources to be able to weed through all these profiles and find the ones that could really be a right fit? Looking at my share of them, all I can say is the beaches must be awfully crowded with all these people taking long walks! Quite frankly it is very difficult to describe yourself so that you will stand out from the crowd without sounding full of yourself. In a sense, we are all the same, just people on a mission of looking for someone to love us, to share our life.


One of the very popular sites is Plenty of Fish. It's popularity comes in part from the fact that it is free. According to some of the male users of the site, the other appeal for them is that it is often referred as Plenty of f-ing. Many who are often on there looking for physical contact under the guise of a relationship. Great for the unsatisfied married people who want a liaison without a financial trail that can be followed. At most, it might cost you a cup of coffee to meet someone and if you time it right and she gets there first, not even that! It's cheaper than going to a bar and spending all night liquoring up someone in the hopes you might hook up. Ah yes it simplifies it and cheapens it, but it is a reality in the quest for a real relationship. It is also a quagmire that I waded through with hope and a lot of disappointment. Knowing the vein of thought, perhaps more disappointment on their part for their lack of success. I once met someone who wanted to go for a ride down the road because he said he had never been in that direction. We could take our coffees, drive and talk. Yeah right! I had visions of young women strewn at the side of the road, discarded like so much trash. They all seem nice in the black and white typewritten word, and in the open and very public coffee shop. Who knows what they are really like when you get down the road alone with them?


So, are paid dating sites any better? I don't know, I only know 2 people who went this route. One maintains a successful relationship to this date after 5 years or so. One told me about receiving up to 10 potential matches a day in his mail box. E-Harmony had a very extensive questionnaire that had to be filled out to make sure only the most compatible of mates were forwarded for your perusal. Without becoming a paying member, only the most limited of information could be viewed and no pictures. But the sheer numbers were encouraging so he paid the money for 3 months, thinking if he couldn't find someone with this current statistics in that time, his luck wouldn't be any better with a 6 month subscription. The credit card had barely been validated and the flood of potential life mates stopped like a car hitting a brick wall. Suddenly, he was told that the parameters that he had chosen were too restrictive, he expanded the age range, distance, ethnicity, religious affiliation. He opened himself up in every category except gender - he just wasn't ready for that. Less than two weeks in, the matches dried up like a puddle on the hot tarmac and he was told when he complained that they didn't have anyone else that was a match to him. What a blow to his ego - after a myriad of personality tests, he matches with nobody! Fortunately with the support of his friends, he survived this devastating news and still believes there is hope for him without the help of e-Harmony. There are thousands upon thousands of on line profiles and it takes a substantial time commitment to wade through the weeds before getting to a garden.  


So when you speak incredulously of the person who is "still" single like there is something wrong with them, keep these words I have shared in mind. It isn't easy out there. When society decided to accept the proliferation of divorce as commonplace, no one considered how all the newly single would heal and move on. Worse than a death, there is no grieving procedure to deal with the death of the love and anger of dreams smashed for either the former spouses or the offspring. If you are in a relationship you don't know that the rules have changed a lot and the expectations are quite different now. The bar has been raised and what hasn't changed is probably not known by the same name as it once was. Like a fish being thrown back in the murky water, navigation to the calm waters where you can feel at peace while you scan the depths of the ocean is the biggest but not the only challenge to be faced. Don't let anyone you feel unworthy nibble and never settle. You alone can decide if you want a salmon, angelfish or shark - it's a personal choice. Know what you are after and stay focused. It has been said that we all have baggage and it is important to find someone who is willing to help us carry it or unpack if we are in it for the long haul. 


I'm just a sentimental old fool who still believes in the notion of love, laughter and a life shared with a partner and a life/soul mate.