Today I Can Take A Breath Knowing That Tomorrow I Can Take Another

Fallen - Sarah McLachlan

I have heard this song many times in the years since it's release in 2003, but when I heard it today on my way to an important meeting it felt like I was being slapped across the face. It spoke to me and at the same time it felt like all my feelings and thoughts were being told through the voice of Sarah McLachlan. And then I came home and searched for the video on YouTube and I literally could have been knocked over with a feather. Too often in the past couple of years I have been terrified to have a soak in the bathtub because I have been in the position where I wanted to just let go. To sink into the peace and comfort of the water. Of course, the thought of what the poor paramedics would find days or weeks later was just more than I could bear. Too much for anyone else to see. Oh...my eyes! 

Sarah McLachlan may have written this as a love song. Some say it is about an affair - the pain of love that can never be, the abandonment of those that don't approve and the emptiness that comes from one mistake. Others say the subject is suicide. Let's face it, not many would intentional say that they wrote a song in the depths of despair for too many would latch on and make it an anthem. But as someone on the edge of the abyss, I can relate to this song on precisely that level. As can others, judging by comments posted on the video. One had stated that her friend was the strongest and weakest all at the same time before she committed suicide. I get that. I understand the hours that are spent every day planning one's own demise. Everyone of us suffers from pain but the darkness comes from despair and lack of hope. That is what people don't understand...that it can get so bad. It's not the size of the battle it's the will to fight it that makes the difference in the outcome - win or lose.

An interesting thing about Sarah's lyrics is the reference to wanting to change oneself to change the past. I personally spent a lot of time especially in the past 2 years, trying to change myself into someone that society would accept since they seemed to have not liked who I was. I had thought I was ok, a contributing member of society who tried to help where and who I could. I struggled with putting the wounded bird out of it's misery or letting nature take it's course. If it was in my power, I would have nursed it back to health instead of leaving it to survival of the fittest. I lived with the philosophy that no matter how bad things were, they could always be worse. And then time revealed all the wounds that wouldn't heal and the burden I carried on my back finally broke me. Therapists and mental health professionals even medical doctors began to tell me that everything I thought, all my perceptions, all the coping mechanisms I had put in place - were wrong. I was wrong. I was messed up and it was best that I accept that. Half the struggle through the mental health cycle is questioning your own self worth over what the professionals are telling you. I'm not talking about schizophrenia, bi-polar or manic-depressive illnesses that may all benefit from chemical restructuring and altered thought processes. I am talking about episodic specific depression. My biggest downfall was (and is) that I don't stand up for myself often enough. A shrinking wall-flower who would rather not be noticed.

Sarah McLachlan in her lyrics also nailed another commonality in my depressive journey. The loss of friends who don't or won't accept the changes that sinking so low bring about. From the simple "get over it" to the blatant ignoring. They really do turn their heads away as if embarrassed. But while some run in fear, there are others that stand strong where you are weak and are there for you. The true friends. Understanding is not a pre-requisite to being supportive. Don't laugh or snicker too loudly in disbelief, but I am not a talker. Yeah, I know, you'd never know it...but I am truly not the type of person to call and ask for help or even just reach out to people in times of need. Hell, I have I hard time reaching out to people just because I wanna hang out or something. It's something I want to work on. Shout out to one person who has been one of the closest to me in this journey - thank you for being there and being accepting even though I know it's been hard to see through all my tears of late. This is how one friend explained it to me - "I see your pain and tears but I remember your laughter and smile. I'm waiting for the day it will return and I want to be there for that."

Today I got the long awaited answer to my long and painful fight. Today I learned that I have been believed. Today, I can finally say that my struggles have not been in vain. Today I start the climb back up the mountain to where I can stand tall and proud of who I am again. Today I can take a breath knowing that tomorrow I can take another. Today, I am beginning to return to the person I was. But give me time, it won't happen overnight.

And now the lyrics to Sarah McLachlans insightful song. May it bring you as much comfort as it has me, for it is wonderful to know that you are not alone. 

FALLEN
Heaven bend to take my hand 

And lead me through the fire

Be the long awaited answer

To a long and painful fight

Truth be told I've tried my best

But somewhere along the way 

I got caught up in all there was to offer

And the cost was so much more than I could bear

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

We all begin with good intent

Love was raw and young

We believed that we could change ourselves

The past could be undone

But we carry on our backs the burden

Time always reveals

In the lonely light of the morning

In the wound that would not heal

It's the bitter taste of losing everything 

that I've held so dear

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

Heaven bend to take my hand 

Nowhere left to turn

I'm lost to those I thought were friends

To everyone I know

Oh they turn their heads embarrassed

pretend that they don't see

But it's one missed step

One slip before you know it

And there doesn't seem a way to be redeemed

Though I've tried, I've fallen..

I have sunk so low 

I messed up

Better I should know

So don't come round here

And tell me I told you so...

Final thoughts: 

I have not changed. Who I think I am has. 

My appearance hasn't changed. My view in the mirror has.

My value hasn't changed. My perception of my worthiness has.

Travelling the Highway of Life in the Single Lane

Hey Ho - The Lumineers

I love to talk, I love to write but I can't say it any better than The Lumineers:

I've been trying to do it right

I've been living a lonely life

I've been sleepin' here instead

I've been sleepin' in my bed

So show me family 

All the blood that I will bleed

I don't know where I belong

I don't know where I went wrong

But I can write a song...

The empty chair.

No one likes to be in the midst of a crowd of people with the only vacant seat in the room being the one next to you. What does it mean exactly? You begin to question yourself. Did I shower this morning? Did I use to heavy a hand with my fragrance? But if you are me, you internalise and assume it is the you that you cannot change. The intrinsic personality that has developed and been set in stone since birth. It that core belief system that has been reinforced everytime you see that empty chair beside you. There is nobody who wants to sit through the ride of life next to you. Of course the rationale side of you knows that this is not the case, rather sometimes you have to look outside of the room - beyond the assembled crowd to find the right participant for your life's journey. 

But at that moment, it wouldn't matter if there were 5 other empty chairs in the room, you would feel like there was a spotlight on the one next to you. The empty chair means that you have come alone. You are the one travelling the highway of life in the single lane. There is no one that is going to take that spot and help you move into the more popular HOV (High Occupancy Vehicle) lane. But we can't always decide when someone will chose to sit and rub elbows with us. Chance or fate. There are somethings that are just out of our control. 

One thing that most of us lugging that chair like an albatross around our neck wants is someone else to decide who is going to sit. Who we spend time with, whether it is a casual acquaintance or a life mate should be a decision we make on our own. There are a lot of people I like and respect in my world, but not everyone of those people would have open access to the secrets of my heart. There are many I could spend even hours with in a social environment but one on one and someone would be begging for mercy and looking for an escape route. It would probably be me. One of my most favourite people in the world is me! I enjoy spending time with myself and can always find something to occupy my time. I think that makes me more particular about who I wish to spend my time with. Why just last evening an acquaintance was cozying up making conversation - and while I was outwardly cordial, I didn't invite discourse beyond the superficial banter. I had my guard up for sure, but that was only because I know for a fact that she has taken what little she knows about me and used it as gossip at her weekly social gabfest. Why would I give her more ammunition? Does this make me cold and unsociable? Perhaps - but it is also self-preservation. Maybe if I see her again, I will have the courage to speak my mind and tell her what I think of her malicious gossip.

Who am I kidding? One piece of advice that my Mom loved to share was if you have nothing nice to say, then keep it to yourself. I won't say anything, I will hold my tongue. Inside I will hurt and I will cry but it is quite unlikely that I will share my thoughts especially with someone who I have been hurt by.

Mental illness like Cancer or any other human ailment is not something that people wish to have. Most often the onset is out of their control. Personally, a diagnosis of depression and anxiety is certainly not something I ever expected to happen at this stage of my life. I would have been less surprised if it had come about in my pre-teen or even teen years (when I really could have classified as messed up). But now? 

Closer to retirement than not, my lifes' course was set in my mind. The children were "successfully" raised and making their own way in the world. I had a job that I loved and financially, things were coming together. I could start to look forward to the extra things in life - maybe even a trip back overseas to explore more of Europe. Socially, it was time to focus on finding that right person to sit in the empty chair - at least there would be some fun in the search!

But with that diagnosis nearly two long and lonely years ago came alienation. If I announced the big "C" had invaded my life, I would have people coming out of the woodwork to offer support and comfort. As it is, people are afraid. There is still a stigma attached to mental illness, people seem to fear that they might catch it if they are exposed to the tears that fall. The only thing I see is that I am seeing you for your true muted colours. And I want to run away and I won't look back to see you. You probably won't even notice. And I'm talking about the people who should be standing next to me - family. Or in my case the people who in the past have wanted to "stand-in" for my family.

The celebration of Thanksgiving has recently passed for us living here in Canada. A time to get together with family, share a meal and some joy. We are lucky to be far enough away from Christmas that the American shopping frenzy that follows there Thanksgiving turkeyfest doesn't apply to us. Regardless, back to the Lumineers - Show me family and where I belong. Family has never been for me - and with the alienation due to my current struggle to survive, I didn't feel comfortable with the concept of family get-togethers. The square peg in the round hold syndrome. It has been said many times and now in countless facebook posts "Family is not always blood. It's the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what." In that case, my family is my friends. In-laws, cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents - they are family of sorts by definition but not necessarily by actions. By their actions, I felt invited for the harvest feast by obligation not desire and there was an empty chair where I had sat in the past when I was well and accepted. Metaphoric empty chair - for I am sure that they found someone else to sit and break bread with the family. 

And that would be okay for I am not one to go where the welcome mat has been stowed away. But then I came across this little tidbit "A person's own family is, without a doubt, the greatest wealth we will ever achieve...we are rich!" My chair has been beside her at the table. I am not her own family. She is rich and I am...not worthy. Perhaps I am overly-sensitive but if you never thought that words can hurt...well they do. Those of us without family - by God's design or our own fate is not necessarily of our choosing. 



Maybe I don't know where I went wrong because I didn't go wrong. Wrong was done to me. I cannot climb in their head and understand their motivations. They are truly Ugly people with souls like rocks. And because of the unfortunate timing of it all I am going to pay a brief tribute to Amanda Todd. Amanda was a 15 year old girl from British Columbia who very recently succeeded in taking her own life. Amanda didn't do anything wrong, she had pride and self-esteem and shared the love of herself with someone else who exploited her youth and innocence by bullying and belittling her. She suffered from anxiety and depression and alienation. In her own words, I have nobody. I need somebody =( I feel her pain...acutely. I've been there. I am there. 

People don't die from suicide, they die from sadness! 

Truer words were never spoken. Invite someone to sit in the empty chair. You may save a life and at the very least you can be a somebody, even for just a little while. Don't judge. Believe. Just sit beside them so they aren't feeling so alone.