WWW.PINKPANTHERFAN.CA That is about me! This blog is my view of the world around me, the absurdity of the inhabitants and how we fit in. I have written diaries for nearly 30 years of my life, at times this will be an extension of that in so much as I will be writing about life as I experience it. Mostly just my personal musings about whatever thought(s) pop into my head and flitter there until I let it out. ENJOY!
I don't know about you but every now and then a story with come on the news and affect me in a way that I never expected. I'm not talking about the "feel good" stories that warm your heart or even the "crimes against humanity" stories that make your blood boil. I get those feels too but this is different. Sometimes a news story will bring up all the pain and sorrow of my past and my life and breaks me so hard I have to stop and fix myself...again.
Right now, I am feeling damaged beyond my ability to repair. And the culprit is the current policy of the government of the United States to rip the children of refugees from their parents arms as they attempt to cross into the country from the Mexican border. The reporters talk to experts who say that the children are traumatized and likely to suffer from P.T.S.D. (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), nightmares, anxiety and emotional stability even later in life. It never goes away. And every time I hear a snippet of this news item (I shut it off quickly) I feel pain. I feel like I am being ripped apart one more time from the last people who really loved me. My mother, my sisters, my brother and yes even my father (who I barely knew).
This is an intense feeling of detachment. Feeling like I am not like others, like I don't quite fit in the world around me. That I don't belong. Like the bruised apple in the bag that isn't good enough to be taken out, given a little shine against the chest and then looked at admiringly and enjoyed. I spent the majority of my teenage and young adult life believing that I was not worthy in any way of love or to be loved...as a child is loved by their parents.
Overall, I know I've done pretty well for myself (despite the hardships) and there are a few people who helped me to get as far as I did. Shout out to the Laws who stepped in to fill a void because their hearts were so big they had room to love 2 more. There have been others too (friends, extended family) but always you know that they have their own family priorities. It's just not the same.
I had a mother, father, brother and sisters - past tense. I may love people and consider them like family but they will never have the blood bond or the ability to take the place of my loved ones. My ex-mother-in-law once said to me that I could call her "Mom" because I didn't have one of my own. I was deeply offended and from that day forward she was always referred to as "ex's mom", I never called her by name. That happened 14 years after my Mom died and 30 years ago and it still bothers me. I don't believe that she had any intent to hurt me as she did. Others hurt me, with and without intent.
World We Know - Crash Parallel
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6WWi6ZL2JnE
After my Mom and sisters died in 1974 when I was 12 years old, I spent several months in the hospital and when I finally returned home, I was a different person (inside and out). I returned to live in the family home but it wasn't the same, for me it was a house of pain where I struggled for the next 5 years. Those were formative years, teenage years. Years, that for many spawn pleasant memories of friendship, young love, personal growth to look back on in later years. I left that home with resentment, anger, bitterness and a deep craving for love. I bought friends, spent money to be with others. I fell into relationships that weren't only fundamentally wrong for me but were un-healthly emotionally and psychologically. People telling me I was unworthy was all I knew. And when some of those people weren't verbally cruel they did take advantage of my vulnerabilities and kindness of heart. And no I am not saying I am in the running for sainthood.
I do believe that I had a right to be angry but it didn't have to manifest itself the way it did. There needed to be some counselling to help work through the myriad of emotions and feelings of abandonment, and the anger. There needed to be some way to learn to love my self and know that I was okay. There needs to be someone to listen to the cries of the children.
I'm not alone in my loss. There are many others who have lost loved ones. Others who have been scarred. Others with crappy teenage experiences. Others who have been bullied at school and at work. Why do I continue to feel the way I do?
Life after Mom, I was constantly subjected to interactions that told me there was something wrong with me, that I didn't fit in, that I made people uncomfortable. That I wasn't okay. I was judged so they could put me in a place where I could be controlled. It took a tremendous and life-altering toll on my existence. I wasn't successful in school, I was told I was stupid. What career could I possibly have that would keep me hidden. Yes, I was told that my very appearance frightens people and I should do what I can to cover and hide my scars. The Unknown Comic could have been me without the laughs.
The difference then between me and others who suffer but still thrive is support. Primarily unconditional family support and love. If our families can be behind us we will be okay. Someone will be there to help us stand learn to walk and maybe even run again.
That's what I hope for these children who have been ripped from the arms of their loved ones. That they will be re-united with that unconditional love that will help them understand they weren't left because they weren't good enough.
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Final thoughts: I struggle to understand if all of this makes sense to the average person reading it. I can't do more to fix it. Let this graphic speak for me....
Be Yourself - Audioslave https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WC5FdFlUcl0
To Thine Own Self Be True. It's not an easy mantra to live by but I tried. We are all influenced by various factors in our lives. Traumatic events, abuse, self-doubt and with the constant bombardment of "Hollywood Perfection" we struggle to cope with self-love. Not easy to accept and be yourself. I think I was mostly successful.
By the time I had my children, I liked myself pretty well. Yeah, maybe lose that excess baby weight but, as a person, I could look in the mirror or in the eyes of my children and know I was okay! Although I was at times terrified knowing that I could not call my mom for her sage wisdom and advise, I was in fact ready for motherhood and knew I could rock that role! Go ME!
That was the kind of self-confidence I was dealing with at that time of my life.
Ten years later, I had made the decision to part ways with my then husband. I told the kids we would be moving wherever I got a job. I ended up with a job in the Toronto area and so we packed up our lives and moved. Life was good and after settling down I had a quick change of employeers to the Dufferin-Peel Catholic District School Board. I had a split school situation that year and to find my place in the organization, I chose to find a location the following year where I could be full time in one setting.
That year I met the first two of three Terri's that would come to mean a whole lot to me, they were classroom teachers. The student I worked with was amazing, the staff at the school was great. It was a wonderful time. Financially I had to take a second job teaching piano to make ends meet as support from the ex was not forthcoming.
It was the third year with the board that things changed. The school, staff and student were all the same but the classroom teacher was different. She believed my role to be "slave" for my CP student rather than assistant. She said I was working myself out of a job. She insisted on everything being done for him before he even decided himself that he wanted help. She made my role in her classroom very uncomfortable but I sucked it up. I didn't realize that there was a profound change in my demeanour until the custodian commented that I never smile anymore. On my breaks, I would write profusely about what was going on and she took great offence to that thinking I was writing untruths about her. My daily planner never left my side and I pleaded with the powers that be to cut me some slack.
The family of my student moved the following year so a transfer of location was in the cards for me too. As an aside, the parents of the student were aware that I was being handcuffed from doing my job as they saw a regression in the ability of their son. He was refusing to do anything independently whether it was put his coat on or propel his own wheelchair, even practicing with the walker had taken a dramatic slide. Years later I met them in a store and they reminded me how valuable I had been for their son compared to the other support he has had. It made me feel grateful that I had been able to tough it out for his sake and the validation of a job well done didn't hurt either.
It is difficult for me every September on that first day meeting all the new students and with increasing frequency for me, new staff as well. But as many difficulties we face in life we "suck it up". And so I did. It was really no different every evening that I walked into the piano student not knowing if I had a new student or a make-up lesson for another teachers student. Exposing myself to the the unknown was a part of my life whether I was comfortable with it or not. I doubt many people even recognized my inner turmoil.
Year 4 was a professional success and I met some amazing people that are still a part of my life. But as that year ended, declining populations dictated that I once again be moved. I could have used my growing seniority to insist on remaining but I took the moral high road and sucked it up. In hindsight...well, hindsight is always 20/20.
Year 5 was the year from hell. By the end of the first week, I was begging and pleading to be moved to a different location. On the first day, I walked into the school to introduce myself and the principal barked at me and I immediately cowered. And unfortunately time would prove that that in fact was the most civil she ever spoke to me. Not that I gave her a lot of opportunity, I did my job and avoided her like the plague. In the mornings, I would arrive and sit in my car until my yard duty started and then to avoid being stared at by her, I would hide behind trees. She would later claim that I was late every day because she never saw me in the staff room or in the yard. I won't get into all the details of her levels of madness, partly because it is still too distressing and partly because I have blocked many of the memories out and only know what I do because I have copious amounts of daily notations. The student I worked with bore the brunt of the abuse on my behalf. An autistic child with whom I had an excellent relationship with, and his mother and the classroom teacher too.
There was no denying what was going on but it was a school community that lived in fear of the principal. I was her current target. If I had the day off, when I returned I would be chastised for some behaviour that allegedly occurred by my student in my absence. I sucked up this degradation to my character and professionalism until March Break. I had been crying everyday on my way to and home from work for months. I saw my doctor during the break and he knew immediately that things were not okay, he approved an extended leave from work. The board said that I was angry. While I think I had every right to be, I was more frustrated and demoralized than anything else.
I eventually made it back to work at the beginning of June, but not before assurances dictated by my physician that it would not be to that place of torture. I could never be made to return. I would not even go back to collect my personal belongings. According to the teacher who did it for me, guess who hovered like a hawk to see what I had? Was she looking for journals or personal writings?
The rest of my career was spent in a single setting. A setting where my strengths as an Educational Assistant were really able to shine, a high school. Two good years were followed by a change in department head whose greeting to me in September was "I never liked you from the moment I first met you". Well hello boss! Yikes! I had two more long term leaves of absence under her rule and it became my last school placement.
In a brief nutshell. it was December 2010 and I was transferred to a school where the worst of the abuse started for me with the board. I was to start after Christmas break. I never went back again. I could not go back to the place of so much trauma. I had a profound understanding of PTSD and the fear of going back to the pain. That placement letter was the bomb that exploded in my head.
Knowing I was good at my job but they didn't like me I tried to change myself. That's when the distorted eating and extreme self-loathing came into play and remains a struggle. My doctor was supportive of my mental struggles and I started seeing someone professionally in late February 2011.
When the first round of papers came up after my sick days were done in March and I had squeezed all I could out of EI, I called upon our former union rep to help me fill out the multitude of overwhelming legal papers. She was awesome and I was soon (less than 1 year later) approved for both CPP-D and mortgage insurance coverage. For the record I don't understand how anyone of sound-mind could navigate all those forms let alone someone who is struggling either physically or mentally!
The board insurance company stood firm on their denial of benefits. They claimed that any trauma/breakdown I was suffering was due to a car accident I had been involved in 40 years previously. And while that accident was horrific, the two simply weren't related beyond affecting how I viewed the world and leaving me vulnerable to the maltreatment of others.
Anyways, denial upon denial and we kept going up the ladder of corporate fish at the Insurance Company. All this time, the former union rep was supporting me. But mentally I was getting worse. Lawyers wouldn't touch it because I had a union and they should be fighting for me. Our union with the new president was shit, a board patsy! So, my union friend became my legal representative and with that designation and some lawyer-ish documents I was finally approved for short-term LTD. Meaning that they decided that I could not work at my previous job. But I received that designation in May 2013, covering me for the previous 2 years that expired April 2013!
And so mentally and physically unable to fight anymore and on the verge of losing my house (mortgage insurance only covered 2 years), I decided to leave. But before I did I hired a lawyer that specialized in disability cases. Upon reviewing all the paper etc he decided to take on the case. Yes, he cost money but I had long passed the point where I was capable of opening any mail that came to the house. Bills terrified me because I knew I couldn't pay them. Seeing the Board letterhead on an envelope caused me extreme anxiety and the demeaning and belittling tone they took on the phone had me screening every call that came in. If I was going to leave my residence, I would have to leave forwarding information. We decided that the lawyer would handle all communication with the Board and Insurance company from here on in. He took care of all the paperwork and BS from my tormentors and gave me peace of mind.
Faith of the Heart - Rod Stewart
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t1sYjDc8i4I
Earlier this year, I was sent to see a psychiatrist appointed by the Insurance Company. I felt confident that he would indeed remain unbiased and not blame my Mother for what happened with the Board. My faith was misplaced. He took my words and the words of my professionals and twisted them, for they all knew me well enough to know that I am of at least average intelligence. His determination could have concluded the case, but he decided that with my ability to write my blogs and volunteer that I was smart enough to be retrained.
Logistically I was over the half-century mark in years on earth and by the time re-training was complete, I wonder how many employers would jump at hiring someone closer to Alzheimer's age rather than a 20 something ready to conquer the world. Did this re-training come with assurance that I would be employed and not lose my benefits on top of everything else? You have to look at the whole picture...not just the spot in the middle that is in focus. I had a career that I lost...not a job at MacDonalds that could be replaced by going to Wendy's!
Now, if you had asked me, I could have told you I'm smart. I was smart when I was 12 after my Mom and sisters passed away. I was still smart after my brother passed away when I was 22. And for the next 30 some years my intelligence level, if anything increased as opposed to going in the opposite direction. My intelligence saved me because I used it to keep myself going - I wrote about it all. All my life I've been writing. But even perfect diamond can crack with the right blow.
According to Psychology Today there is relationship between high intelligence/creativity and mental illness, although it is not a mutual exclusive relationship. You can have one without the other, but I bring up the concept as it relates to me. I think that it unreasonable for that psychiatrist that I saw to assume that a change of career will somehow cure my depression and anxiety.
Kurt Cobain was a tortured musical soul who took his own life, should we have taken the guitar from his hands and given him an accountants ledger instead? Would training Robin Williams to be a bus driver have saved his life? Could training me as an x-ray technician have made what happened at the Board go away? Or would it make it okay for them to hurt me? In many instances talent and demons seem to go hand in hand, in my case the demons where living and breathing members of the School Board. I couldn't make them go away.
October 2015, nearing 5 years off work and a decision was finally made. A settlement was reached. I paid a high price for the suffering that was doled out to me. If the same people had come to my home and robbed me of my personal belongings there would be some form of justice, they would be held accountable in some way. But my perpetrators/demons robbed me of my livelihood and career, the life I had worked so hard for. My house, my dreams, my life. I have to start over.
But at least I can start over. Not everyone has the stubbornness to want to prove them wrong. To prove that I am okay. That you didn't beat me, you broke me. There is a difference!
It wasn't easy and I don't wish these types of struggles on anyone. I wish I believed in karma so I could wait for the day when justice will be meted out, but instead they will become non-people to me. I write them off and give them no more space in my mind.
*If you or someone you know is struggling with abuse at the hands of their employer please support them anyway you can and understand that mental illness just means that we are given more than we can handle. We each have a cup that can "runneth over" and each one is of a different size.
Many of my supervisors were bullies who sensed the weaker in the herd to prey upon, no different than the schoolyard bully that we warn our children about. When the term schoolyard bully is uttered, everyone in that yard should be suspect - including teachers and principals. Sometimes they are also psychopaths.
FYI: I don't have a hate on for teachers. My mother and the most influential people in my life were teachers.
*If you know someone who is fighting for Long-Term Disability, know you don't have to fight alone. There is help out there. Don't be afraid to ask for it. You're worth it. Please, do not try to scam the system because it makes life so much harder for those of us who need the support for real.
*****NO!! I DO NOT CONSIDER MYSELF A TORTURED GENIUS!
Credit where credit is due: Psychology Today
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/ending-addiction-good/201503/is-there-link-between-intelligence-and-mental-illness Huffington Post
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/02/creativity-mental-illness-health_n_5695887.html
Stealing All My Dreams - Blue Rodeo https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y3C1SWVquXA
I first heard this song back in April of 2015 and being a self-professed Keelorite I was immediately drawn to it for that factor alone. But like the rest of Greg Keelor's body of work, I loved it because of what he had to say and how he said it. Greg's songs tend to have deep personal meaning for me and for the record, this is not his first protest song. I figure that Greg in his youth was probably the first one at a Sit In encouraging his peers to not "Stand for It." Just before the end of the election, Blue Rodeo released the song as a call to action. Smart move, it got people talking.
It is October 2015 and Canada is in the midst of one of the longest election campaigns in the country's history. Now, I'm not a staunch political person and I sure don't understand the reasoning behind the tremendous waste of money that went along with nearly 80 days of campaigning. But over that length of time it sure gave the average citizen the chance to hear all about the political promises of 3 men vying for the top position in the country, Stephen Harper, Justin Trudeau and Thomas Mulcair. There were other smaller players in the game like Elizabeth May (Green Party) and Gilles Duceppe (Bloc Quebecois) also.
There has been a growing dislike for the current Prime Minister of Canada, Stephen Harper for some time. That sentiment just grew as time went on. I had issues from the first campaign advertisement I heard that was not full of rainbows and promises but attacks upon the perceived greatest threat to Harper, one Justin Trudeau. In my world, there is no time or place for the bashing of another human being especially for personal gain.
There were many reasons cropping up on social media to Stop Harper. He was known for taking a back pocket position in the pants (near the farts and smell, not the wallet) of the corporate world. He seemed to speak for them more than citizen tax-payer. We faced such issues as the preservation of the environment, (what Kyoto protocol?) the safety and security of the people, scientist and researchers were handcuffed trying to do their job and slapped with gag orders (of a sort). And while the people were questioning their dwindling rights to freedom of speech, the oil companies were allowed to bleed us dry and don't get me started on fracking!
The only non-partisan source for news and information about our people and our country, the CBC has been decimated. Consider Clara Hughes fundraisers for Mental Health "Let's Talk" and "Clara's Big Ride" which are sponsored in part by Bell Canada. The CBC and Bell owned television stations supported and promoted this worthy cause but nary a word was spoken on Rogers owned stations. This is one example proving we need the CBC for fair and honest, non-judgmental information. News, sports, music, culture, entertainment "By the people For the people."
In my humble opinion, it is the lack of funding for the CBC that sold off our national dream sport of hockey to public enterprise and left it inaccessible to many without a Rogers account. Hockey knitted communities together from one end of this nation to another. In the most remote corners of this country, you could always get an antennae and access the CBC and come together. Not so much anymore.
The sky-rocketing incidence of missing and murdered indigenous women was just not very high on Harpers list of priorities. The veterans who made this country what it is today were cut off from services and support at the same time that incidences of PTSD among the military personnel was exploding.
Last (for the purposes of this missive but by no means the last of the atrocities committed by Mr. Harper), at a time when on-line shopping is increasing and delivery is necessary to complete the transaction, Canada Post has become a former shell of itself. Door-to-door delivery is all but gone. The elderly are encouraged to stay in their homes avoiding long-term facilities but many are unable to access their mail which is now a potentially hazardous journey. Even the able-bodied have issues with the lack of service and inaccessibility and safety of retrieving their mail. Winter in Canada is not community mailbox friendly.
Lots of reasons to Heave Steve.
Much of what I've said could easily have been shared long before the election. But I think people should make up their own minds. Besides, I am in some part responsible for the long tenure that Stephen Harper did have. In typical Canadian fashion we forgive and hope for better until we can't take it anymore.
Sunny Days Victory Speech Soundbite
I'm not saying I voted for Justin Trudeau and I'm not saying I didn't. But one thing you can be sure of is I didn't approve of what Stephen Harper was doing to the country. But in the aftermath I find myself wondering what good he did do during his tenure. I put out a honest request on Facebook to help jog my memory. Instead of a jog I am barely sauntering. Maybe with time it will become clear?
Map courtesy National Post
I wanted change. Canada wanted change. We got change but I was hoping for a little more colour in the political map. Democracy works best when there is a little devil looking over your shoulder. The morning after the election, I wasn't surprised by the victory of Justin Trudeau, what I was surprised by was the near annihilation of the New Democratic Party who's popularity fell below the Conservatives. I would have preferred a little more power for a dual-opposition party to hold the current government accountable.
Mr. Mulcair, I have only one question for you. Who was going to pay for your $15/day childcare plan? The aging Canadian population who is closer to retirement than child-bearing age? Although I understand that there are some people in true need of such a program, I object to paying for the childcare of people who live in a 2 income household so they can maintain their "mansion" in the burbs, cottage in the north, and annual summer vacay in the south.
No it is not statistically based but my views are based on facts derived from my experience in the system. How about paying the Childcare Workers a little more of a living wage? Many are making barely above minimum wage with no benefits. Hardly enough to pay off the college loans and certainly not enough to afford their own children.
Mr. Harper, I applaud your actions which did stabalize our economy but at what cost? I don't think it much matters that we are an economically viable country if we have no country left. There are economies in some Asian countries that are booming also...and they can't breath the very air that surrounds them. I can't be the only one that sees a problem with protecting the economy at the expense of the environment and the people!
Below is a graphic that illustrates the change in tide of Canadians leading up to the October 19, 2015 election that led to a Liberal majority government, and Stephen Harper stepping down as party leader. In the end 54% of votes went to the Liberals (LPC), 29% for the Conservatives (CPC), 13% for the New Democrats (NDP), the Bloc took 10% and the Green Party took one seat.
The people of Canada, in the end spoke loudly. More than 68% of eligible voters cast a ballot to make their voice heard. Although that figure is 7% higher than the last election it still falls short of the 80% average of the late 1950's and early 1960's.
So we will see how this plays out. Worse comes to worse, we will have the opportunity for a do-over. Because Canada is true, north, strong and free and a democracy.
By the way, this is not the only protest song released by Blue Rodeo. Nor is Blue Rodeo the only group to release a political or other protest song. In this election campaign alone Google tells me there were 10 songs. For the naysayers who think that artists like Blue Rodeo should "Shut up and sing" instead of the wealthy and well-known telling us what to think. May I introduce you to the television commercial? Have you heard of product placement? Has a politician ever tried to garner your vote? Has your boss/union/or life partner tried to sway your opinion? Have you ever buckled under peer pressure? You want to boycott Blue Rodeo because they jumped into the political arena, go ahead...it's your choice (democracy and freedom of speech in action). But, how many artists are you willing to not listen to for the same reason? Go back in history and consider the following very small sampling. The Times They Are A-Changing - Bob Dylan Eve of Destruction - Barry McGuire Smoking Gun - Blue Rodeo We Shall Overcome - Joan Baez and others Get Up Stand Up - Bob Marley Ohio - Neil Young Fools Like You - Blue Rodeo
STEALIN' ALL MY DREAMS
Your pipeline will spill its disease You shut down all the research libraries And you muzzled all the white coats in your laboratories Then you set your sites on the CBC You’re stealing all my dreams You’re stealing all my dreams Whatever happened to our democracy? Well, this train came into town, the Reform Party Little King, Stevie, & his monarchy Behind the closed doors of corporate-ocrasy You’re stealing all my dreams You’re stealing all my dreams He likes an enemy conspiracy Greatest threat to mass security He’ll throw me in jail cause I disagree And I’m so scared of your oil industry ‘Cuz I love the rivers & I love the stream But, I’m scared for the children & the babies I love the forest & I love the trees Have you forgotten that you work for me? You can start by honoring a treaty You’re stealing all my dreams You’re stealing all my dreams War planes, computer games, robo-calls & Senate shame It’s a crime if I descent Supreme Court held in your contempt Native women, not a priority Sometimes I wonder... just how you sleep? You’re stealing all my dreams...
2015 Prime Minister Justin Trudeau and his newly appointed cabinet
CREDIT WHERE CREDIT IS DUE: Proof of facts in the song
It was probably written as a love song, with the exception of a few lines, I hear an excellent theme song for the Canadian Mental Health Association. It has both hope and understanding. Maybe it will do for you what it does for me - makes me feel better and not so alone.
Going through days or even weeks of not feeling like yourself is actually quite normal, it is when your daily life suffers that it is indeed a problem. Most women are very familiar with these changes in outlook and we do our best to teach the men in our lives. Honest we are trying to teach you not torture you. :)
I don't claim to be any sort of expert on depression beyond some first hand knowledge, but then again I just read an article about a reputed health and wellness expert on a speaking tour - her qualifications? She lost some weight. Well, I have suffered (and continue to suffer) from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Depression, Anxiety and some phobias. Incredible that I can even get out of bed in the morning eh? The thing is that at this stage of my healing process, there are good periods and bad ones where I struggle to get up and dressed. Fortunately as time passes, the good far outweighs the bad. Like a wildly swinging pendulum, the mood swings used to be quite brief and very extreme. You know that boat at the amusement park that swings back and forth?
Pirate Ship Amusement Park Ride
Well, 1 1/2 years ago I was on that ship and it wasn't swinging it was sinking. It was only when I reached out for help that I got on the ride and started to see some positive periods. Initially, the pendulum swings heavily to the dark side and stays there for longer with the sun just barely able to penetrate. Being on that boat, you are sitting on the far extremes of bow or stern where the ride is more intense, wild and terrifying. Gradually, with the support systems starting to fall into place, you can begin to move more towards the centre of the boat. You are still swinging wildly but the lows aren't quite as low and the return to "normal" (or centre) is a little quicker. Ultimately the goal is to ride through life sitting 2 or 3 rows back from the middle of the boat, feeling the ups and downs of life but not being overwhelmed by them. Of course there are going to be times of extremes - a wedding, the birth of a child or the other end a death or illness. The main difference is that with the life events, we can see a definitive cause and a clear ending. With mental instability, sometimes it can be difficult to find the cause because it can be seemingly insignificant but in your mind it is overwhelming. Like a greasy stripper pole, once you are on it, there isn't much you can do to stop the downward slide. At best you can hope not to hit rock bottom.
If I could give anyone advice based on what I have learned thus far in my own process of recovery is:
1. Find and establish a support system that works for you. Whatever that may be, it does not need to be family - for they may not be in the best position to understand you. Family can sometimes revert to denial, not believing that there is anything really wrong that a canolli or a shot of some libation won't fix. On the other extreme they think they can fix your depressed state with some moments of laughter - folks, this can't be fixed with a some duct tape and WD40!
2. Don't be afraid to seek professional help. Even the seemingly most "together" people have sought the guidance of someone who knows or has been there. If you don't connect with the person/therapist you are referred to, I would suggest that you let the referring physician know. It is most important that you are comfortable sharing information and feelings with your therapist. Personally, I found that there were times when it felt like they were the only people who truly believed what I was going through. That's critical in the recovery process.
3. Don't give up and know that there really is light at the end of the tunnel, regardless of how dim it seems at times. There is help available, via phone contact, live person to person chat. If you have difficulty finding the financial or emotional support that you need, call your local politician. In Canada, services are administered by the municipal, provincial or federal governments. Try them all. Nobody knows what it available like the politicians whose salary we pay with our taxes.
4. Allow yourself to cry. The shedding of tears can be quite cathartic. Letting the sadness out may help us to return to an even keel with a different perspective on things. A sad movie or book with a happy outcome may permit you to feel some hope also. But know what works for you. Hearing the woes of others never had me feeling any better personally, because although I had buckets of empathy for other people in my own times of sadness I wanted the empathy and had none to share.
5. Know your triggers. When I was feeling "blah", I avoided television. I couldn't stand to see all the happy people with the intact families and perfect relationships and I won't even get into the physical image of them. Anything wrong with my life I didn't want to see personified on the screen without the troubles I felt. Movies were the same - no love stories with happy endings, no chick flicks.
6. Keep yourself safe. If you have been there, you know what I am talking about. Like climbing over the meagre protective barrier at the Scarborough Bluffs, when you are perched on the edge, you don't really know how far you can go before the ground disappears and you are on free fall. You need to understand that alcohol is a depressant and does not mix well with most medication. Don't drink alone, because the temporary "feel good" sensation does not last. Personally there were times I was afraid to drive - for I couldn't be sure where I would end up. I didn't trust my own thought process.
7. Find your natural high. Reading, creating, writing, gardening, shopping - whatever it may be and do it as often as you can. Find yourself with a lot of time on your hands suddenly because work has been put on the back burner - volunteer. There are so many organisations that need help that you will likely be able to find an outlet that encompasses one of your special talents or "natural highs". It's win-win for you and the organisation. It's also possible to create your own volunteer opportunities. There is nothing like keeping your mind off your troubles by focusing on the positive people outside the realm of your world of pain. 8. Get out!Another benefit of volunteering is that it forces you out of the house. You have to get dressed and out of bed to fulfill your commitments. The fresh air and vitamin D never killed anybody, and there is the added bonus of endorphines that are released when you are physically active. If I had a dog I think I would go hang around a leash-free dog park. Open air (not necessarily fresh :), like-minded company, and the love of dogs. All good.
9. Get moving. Besides getting your mind off your troubles and thinking about something else, something as simple as washing the car, mowing the lawn or dusting the knick-knacks will also leave you with a sense of accomplishment. You many even find you are gaining a bit of that self-confidence back that you used to have. Of course, studies have shown that exercise also releases feel-good brain chemicals like Neurotransmitters and Endorphines that may ease depression.
10. Know that this is not your fault. Like most other ailments, like the flu or Alzheimers, you did not cause this. There may or may not be anybody to lay blame to. There will be time for seeking retribution after you have taken care of yourself if you still need to close that door before moving on. A wise woman (Livia Sdraulig) often said "There are some people in the world that if they haven't got anything to talk about, they make it up just to hear themselves talk. In order to look better than you they have to tell lies about you - you are still better than them unless to stoop to their level and give them your time to talk to them."
11. Laugh! Sing! Dance! Believe me, I know that it is sometimes easier said than done to even plaster the smallest semblance of a grin on your face - but once accomplished it does wonders. At times even watching the funniest of movies I couldn't even get the corners of my mouth to curl upwards, but at least I wasn't crying. Singing, always makes me feel like I am talking to someone in words that I am having trouble stringing together. Of course if the room isn't empty before I start, it sure will be vacated after the first few notes emitting from my voice box. Is there anywhere to go to fix a broken voice box? Dancing gets you moving and your blood flowing. But be careful not to slip on the tears and if you are like me - stay away from mirrors and open windows! Slow dancing with your arms wrapped around yourself may have the neighbours calling for the rubber truck to make a house call.
"Sometimes I laugh so hard the tears run down my leg"
You may enjoy this website experienceproject.com it is a forum where you can speak to like minded people with integrity and consideration for each other.
For help in Ontario: call the Mental Health Helpline at 1-866-531-2600 or go to www.MentalHealthHelpline.ca I am sure that other communities also have help lines in place. Check out the facebook page (facebook.com/cmha.ontario).
In conjunction with Mental Health Week (May 7-13) Ontario launched a campaign aimed at raising awareness. I found the "Read Your Mind" self-assesment quite revealing and enjoy mapping my mood. You can find this site at www.notmyself.ca Turns out I am not alone - even within my small community. Indeed 1 in 5 Canadian adults will have a mental health issue in any given year.
The End Has Only Begun - Lifehouse
"What you do
No one can decide, it's up to you
And who you are is what you choose
These times when the world falls apart
Makes up who we are"
Have some compassion - you could be next. Educate yourself, understand and be understanding.
